"Going Real Time" Series - Introduction

Xposted from Ms160's Abode 10 April 2008

Master Tony, sol + single tail,
HCH play party Feb 2008

" sounds like a sorta silly question but how
do you go about finding your local scene? "

"My girlfriend and I have been engaging in BDSM play in the
bedroom for almost as long as we've been together. Both of us
are very interested in playing semipublically ... So far, we
haven't been successful in our efforts to find a place to do this "
(Anon)

"Brand New To The Lifestyle I Have Read
All The Books. Now I Need To Be Around People Who
Share My Interests. Can You Help?"

I receive quite a lot of correspondence - from both couples and those searching for a partner - on the subject of real time BDSM. Regular readers will know that I encourage all kinksters - especially cyber only kinksters - to make a move to real time BDSM, if / when their circumstances permit it.

Some people who write to me want to make the move but are either unsure how to, or need support during the transition. Some have tried but have not found a supportive group. Some who are looking for a partner have become disillusioned in their search.

Others write to me arguing that in the 21st century cyber kink experiences are equally as valid as real time BDSM and that I should stop "pushing" people towards the latter. Ironically I myself often find myself defending this very view in dialogues with experienced real time kinksters who have little time for either the subject of cyber kink or the people who practice it. I published an article in Kink-E Magazine last year about this very issue:

"If we don’t want a permanently divided community we also need to work on redefining problematic and outdated terminology like “reality”, “real time”, and “real life”, which, as Sensuous Sadie points out:

” [are now] offensive terms because [they] suggests online relationships are imaginary. Even worse, some real time players flat out deny the possibility of an online relationship, an approach which is disrespectful at best and cruel at worst”

"The internet has created a completely different way of experiencing “reality”. “Some argue this is not "reality" in the same way people say going to school is not "real" life”, writes Sensuous Sadie, “I might suggest that all experiences are "real" even if they are so different from your own as to seem alien. If your cyber life brings you joy; that's all the validation you need”.

"If our main issues with cyber – and newbies entering real time from cyber - revolve around lack of education and experience then we should work on improving online BDSM educational resources. Share our knowledge, and act as welcoming advisers, actively encouraging dialogue as well as assisting them in seeking resources and real time contacts"

This is what this educational blog - and my own role - is all about: facilitating access to those resources and contacts.

When readers requested posts on making the move to real time I procrastinated, pointing out that the topic is covered in several other posts, such as the Online Resources post and the self presentation post in the Contacting Dominants series. But you still kept insisting you wanted the topic covered separately. You proved me wrong last time, over the Contacting Dominants series, so okay: I give in!

Obviously we are going to touch on the cyber vs real time thing at some points during this series, but the primary aim of this Going Real Time series will be to provide information for kinksters WANTING TO MAKE THE MOVE.

We'll explore some of the questions you have asked, including:

• First Moves into Real Time / Finding Your Local Scene
  
• Cyber Kink / Real Time Transitions (such as meeting a cyber partner for the first time) and Issues
• Finding / contacting a Dominant series
  
• Attending Your First Play Party
• Playing in public (this is usually different to your first play party) / acquiring real time BDSM skills / negotiation skills / aftercare etc
• What's a Dungeon Monitor?
• Attending a Femdom Tea Party
  

As the posts are uploaded I will link to them here.

As always, posts in the BDSM For Beginners series owe an enormous amount to the stories and opinions of real kinksters out there in the world. So please, if you would like your own experiences incorporated into this series, drop me a line. I'd be honored to include them.

(Photo: courtesy Master Tony and HCH)