Saturday, December 22, 2007

How to Find and Contact a Dominant Series - Introduction

"How does one find a Mistress?
Probably by looking..."
MissyRane CollarME

"you have to understand that this is going to be
a looooooong process. You’re trying to find someone
to fit a very narrow set of specifications,
and you can’t just order her up from Nordstrom"
Mistress Matisse, 24 August 2007
From The Inbox series

"from the sheer frustration of finding the
right submissive male that actually will let
me be Dominant in my own fashion and
not his script I would say that it’s
equally hard to find a real submissive male"

"Oh my God!" maymay exclaimed a while back, in response to a post by Ms Reciprocity:
"ironically, the very reason you just described (about finding it difficult to meet submissive men ...) is the very same reason I would cite as finding it difficult to meet dominant women..."
Whether sub, switch or dominant, we all face problems in our search for a BDSM partner. I have single kinky friends searching for life partners, who are beyond frustration with searching. But on the other hand I have other friends who met partners online reasonably quickly (including a dominant friend who married her partner - they met on CollarMe - a few months back).

It's the ultimate irony that while male subs despair when told of male sub / female dominant rations of up to 20:1 - or worse - female subs often feel "incredible outnumbered": "when i put myself back on the market", observed sweet_bits on MyDungeonSpace, "the volume of HNG mail became over-whelming". Yet at the same time male subs are bemoaning their single fate in chat rooms, I am surrounded by female dominant friends who simply cannot find a good sub.

Something is obviously going very wrong, somewhere.

Ah, the joys of communicating ... or NOT communicating, lol. Which is what this series of posts is all about.

Sure, we've all had experiences with rude dominants and rude subs of all genders. But you know, although I hate to admit it, a lot of the problems we face in our search for a partner come back to the fact we appear to be really lousy at communicating with each other. "i am NOT desperate", an exasperated sweet_bits informed the male dominants who contact her at MyDungeonSpace:
" i am not going to fuck you or submit to you simply because you deigned to contact me .... there is more to my submission than sucking your cock and being your whipping post ... do not inundate me with 1-2 line emails ... read my profile. please. we take the time to write them for a reason"
Female dominants often explode with similar frustration - here's a small extract of recent post by Lady Jadis:
"Well ... you can tell which individuals have actually read My personal information, as it is posted - as compared to those moronic idiots who haven't. Then there are those who just adding Me to satisfy their own urges - under the pretense of some sort of self satisfaction … while having no concept of what BDSM truly is - or can - mean. They're just contacting me for their own personal gratification ... like some lost little cyber puppy looking for his bone...

"Here's a news flash boys: a submissive is a mentality, a personality - not a God given right to hound every Mistress that comes across the screen! ... I am -NOT- here to entertain you ... I will not: train you, scene with you, command you or - god forbid … get you off!"
While I've been writing this contacting dominants series, several Dommes I respect and admire - including Mistress Matisse, Mistress Milliscent, Lady Myles and Elizabeth - have been posting about related issues. Mistress Matisse began a wonderful series on her blog called "From The Inbox" which often makes me laugh out loud even as I groan in sympathy (having received countless similar unsolicited messages myself). Her first post in the series (in July 2007) begins:
"Hmmnn, I'm feeling vicious today. I want to be mean to someone. Right NOW. That's easy. Just open the inbox, and presto!...

"Why [the writer] sent [the appallingly written attached letter to] me, I have no idea. The very smallest amount of research would indicate that I'm going to fillet him here on the public blog, but perhaps he'll enjoy the attention"
"It always amazes me the sorts of things some men think are attractive to a dominant woman", notes Lady Myles, in a post responding to a message in her own inbox:
"There are submissive males that do really get it, that by courting a dominant much like they'd court a vanilla woman (albeit with the addition of kink) is an effective way to get some of their dreams and fantasies fulfilled.

"Then there are others, the ones that absolutely don't get the concept that a dominant is just a human that happens to enjoy activities that are outside the realm of "normal" interaction..."
And then there are the women ... "a lot is made out of how men don't read personal ads very closely, but my experience says that women are just as bad", my MyDungeonSpace friend MinofSin emails me. And of course then there are the over the top communications sent out by - usually inexperienced - female dominants, don't get me started, quoting examples of those, lol. Maymay even recently posted an example of a message he received from a gay Dom, which he found:
"interesting because it's an example of a gay man doing it. I don't think that's something a lot of people realize happens, or if they do realize it happens, don't realize just how similarly pathetic and stupid it is as all the straight women (and straight men!) who do similar things.

"It's at least illuminating to see the cold, hard copy-and-pasted evidence that this shit goes on regardless of sexual orientation"
So WHY do we get the contacting / communicating bit so wrong?

I've seen so many posts like the one below:
"Searching for that special Mistress has been long road. I have met a few I would love the chance to serve. I think they know who they are. Wish someone would take the time to give me a chance and get to know me as a person before just saying I dont think were right for each other. I know given the chance I can make a Mistress very happy"
I'm sure the sub who posted this on My Dungeon Space is a really nice guy. And his post is sincere. But on the other hand he has been a member of MDS for three months and has not filled in his profile or interacted on the site in any way: he has no friends, his guest book is empty, he has joined no groups and has not been active on either the forum or chat rooms. Worse, he appears unaware that MDS is not specifically a dating site.

And this is a common online example. We don't put the work in, we don't read or fill out profiles, or interact on sites, but when we spot someone we like we expect an instant fix. We want that dominant to take us on NOW, despite the fact they don't know us. And when they say no, we are confused and indignant. "Wish someone would take the time to give me a chance and get to know me as a person before just saying I don't think were right for each other", writes the sub above. But did he take the time to get to know the dominant he contacted, BEFORE he contacted HER?

Sometimes our responses to such rejections are extremely rude. Why?? "I think what we all tend to forget is that we are talking about relationships, real people, real feelings. real risks", writes sweet_bits. Absolutely. But I also agree with Carrie Ann that there is a lot of confusion not only about HOW to contact someone, but WHO should contact WHO:
"I think male submissives have it much harder than females. The whole process is different. Male Dominants usually pursue the female submissive. It seems to be the opposite in the Female Dominant/male submissive arena. I don't know if I think that's a good thing. In keeping with the power structure I think it works better when the Dominant is the pursuer. And yet, traditionally, men chase women. So I think it's confusing for male subs AND for a lot of Dommes"
So in this BDSM For Beginners series of posts we are going to demystify the problem of contacting dominants.

But I need to make one thing clear right now. I shouldn't even be writing about this topic, because it's solutions are so simple - what CaptainTripps (prefacing a comment on subs not reading dominants' profiles to a post by Richard Evans Lee) once called:
"very far in “no duh” territory ... SO obvious that it isn’t even worth saying. Hell, those guys probably aren’t even reading this site anyway".
I feel rather the same with this series. To be quite honest all the information you need is in this introduction. But I made a promise to several of you, and others have reminded me that my BDSM For Beginners series is just that: for beginners.

So I have gone right back to basics with this one. If you are a regular reader here, but not looking for a dominant partner - or feel confident in your current search for that partner - I suggest you skip these posts. Because they are purely instructive; worse: they require homework, lol.

You might find some of the tasks I'm going to set you tedious, you might find some sections a tad obscure, and you are going to be VERY bored of my constantly telling you to be patience. But. If you are new to BDSM, and facing this problem, then by the end of the series - if you do the homework and put in the effort - you will understand not only specifically what you want in a kinky relationship, but what you want in a dominant. Which means you will know the right dominants to approach, and how to approach them, and your attempts at contacting them will be more successful.

The thing to always keep in mind, on this journey we are about to undertake together - whatever your gender or kinky orientation - is that the journey itself is an important part of your personal growth. "Sometimes I feel like searching for the perfect sub can be a process of searching for yourself and learning and growing as a dominant", writes Psychosis, and MinofSin agrees:
"Seriously, I think when searching for someone, you are searching for that compliment to yourself. You are looking for someone who can add to what you already have or are. So yes, in a way, I can see it being a search for ones self.

"Every sub or slave I have had has taught me valuable lessons, both about myself, about the details of dominance and submission, and about the lifestyle in general. I think if we ever stop learning and growing, we do everyone, especially ourselves a disservice"

I'm adding a note in here, regarding how this series has been received. You can read a post featuring comments and reviews here. Just to summarize, responses - from both dominants and submissives - have been overwhelmingly positive ... so apologies to those of you who pressed to me to write this series; yes you were right, there WAS a need for it lol.

I won't repeat all the feedback you will find in the link above, but here are a couple to give you an idea, as I think its important for people searching for partners to read. From a dominant perspective, Mistress Evita writes:
"I want to direct your attention to this wonderful and informative post by Mistress160. Mistress160 is compiling a series called; How to contact a dominant, and I urge any of you who plan to, or are currently in a position of contacting a dominant, to read it. In fact, it is a very interesting read for anybody and it is relevant to anyone, not just males.

"Mistress160 has put in an astounding amount of effort into compiling all the information. She has liaised with many experienced Mistresses who have shared their thoughts and wisdom as they address all the classic mistakes (mostly) males make in their eagerness in contacting a Woman to serve, and the etiquette that should be observed"

From a submissive viewpoint, quietlisten provides the following thoughtful review:
"F$#%ing wow ... I'm floored by the effort that is so obvious throughout the series, from the overall structure (unusual in a blog) to the careful enumeration of options in various situations. It just exudes thought and care.

"One of the greatest strengths of the work is the way you've paired "here's what you should/shouldn't do" with "here are the consequences and what it looks like through the other person's eyes." That's far more persuasive than a rule book approach. There are people on the other end of communications and they respond best by being treated like (drum roll...) people!

"The quotes from Dommes and other subs made me feel like this is a dance we are all in together, not a competition. A few months looking can turn anyone into a jaded cynic, and it's great therapy to understand the viewpoint from the other side of the search. In fact, the "needle in a haystack" comment motivated me to not only want to be the needle, but to be the FOUND needle. The last part of the series has a satisfyingly positive ring to it.

"Speaking very personally, I've always felt that I was the odd man out in any BDSM situation or discussion because I didn't have any real interest in a sneering bitch who would whip me. This series is so well grounded in real people without the "here's how you're doing it wrong" flavor that those of us on the margins of the lifestyle could be convinced to look more carefully and with a broader mind.

"Again, speaking just for myself, I'm probably going to change my tactics in my search. I kind of stopped thinking of it as a search about a year ago, and I feel more satisfied now. Your series helped me understand why that might be. I'll let you know if and when I find the Domme of my dreams, and you can take full credit ... if she lets you!

"I can't thank you enough for this series. I know from the sub male's perspective how valuable this advice is. I appreciate all the work you put into it. If I'm ever in Oz, I promise a great big giant hug"

This series is written primarily with a male sub / female dominant slant, with the help of friends like MinofSin and many others to fill in other gaps. Like all posts in my BDSM For Beginners series, these posts will be constantly updated to include new information, so if you would like to share your own experiences and thoughts on this subject, please drop me a line.

(for those of you having a bit of a smirk that I'm taking five posts to cover "contacting dominants", you'll be interested to know a Chicago based group of Dommes recently held a series of seminars on "Find[ing] the Domme of your dreams" and broke up each week's seminar in a similar manner!)

Here are some of the issues we are going to look at:

In part 1 ("about you"):
  • what you want (from BDSM)
  • getting beyond dominant stereotypes and meaningless validation
  • online safety
  • what dominants want
  • what you want (from a dominant)
In part 2 ("self presentation"):
  • where to find dominants
  • how to get them to notice you
  • online names / avatars
  • personal ads / online profiles
  • the blogosphere
  • adult social network sites
  • virtual world social networking sites
In part 3 ("initiating contact"):
  • who should contact who
  • initiating real time contact with a dominant
  • initiating online contact with a dominant
  • the pros and cons of sending dominants photos
  • writing submission requests to dominants - practicalities
In part 4 ("writing to dominants"):
  • examples of what NOT to write - and why
  • examples of what to write - and why it worked
  • posts by dominants about the messages they receive
  • an exercise for those wanting to try drafting a message
In part 5 ("waiting, rejection + success"):
  • how to cope with the waiting (to hear back)
  • reasons for rejection
  • when to have a break from searching
  • seeking a professional dominant
  • how to reply when dominants write back
  • how to respond when a dominant contacts YOU
  • maintaining a D/s relationship
  • online resources
Ready? Then let's start on this journey together...

References for Introduction:
(full online resource list published in part 5)

CarrieAnn - FemSubStartingPlace
Lady Jadis Word of Warning
Lady Myles It always amazes me...
may may - FetishLore and Stupid stupid gay tops are just as bad as other men and women
MinofSin - correspondence with Ms160
Mistress Matisse From the Inbox (letters)
sweet_bits Some simple recommendations on first contacts
tacit post on MDS' When Do you Give up?

Thank You's for the
Contacting Dominants series:

While all BDSM For Beginners posts are collaborative efforts,

this series was especially so. Sincere thanks as always to everyone
who contacted me with experiences and ideas,
as well as:

Mistress Milliscent , Lady Myles
Mistress Matisse, Elizabeth, Eileen,
Richard Evans Lee Mrs Claudia
Mistress Tich

and friends at:

(Quesera, switch, Ms Reciprocity, Tom Allen,
JustMiss, may may, roo-roo and quietlisten),

FSSP (here's your "more fame, oh yay" credit, CarrieAnn!)
CollarMe (MistressKay, Stef,
(Miss Bonnie and Miss Bitch)
and MyDungeonSpace
(sweet_bits, billc393, lei_da
tacit, myraanken, pickin_grinnin ,
Vic, skyey, LadyUrsa, underwhere, Flaming_Redhead
and last but never least, lol: MinofSin)


Sonnets - Unrealities XI
by ~elided on deviantART)

Part 16: How to find and contact a Dominant - waiting, rejection + success

"Now I’ll tell you what I tell everyone:
you can get what you want, if you try.
It’s going to take some time and effort,
but the right person for you is out there.
Don’t get discouraged, and try to enjoy the journey
as well as looking forward to the destination"
Mistress Matisse, 24 August 2007
From The Inbox series

Welcome to the final post in my BDSM For Beginners educational series on how to contact dominants. If you are new to this series, please read the Introduction first.

In part 1 we looked at ways to work out your own needs and desires, so you can begin to establish what you want in a dominant - knowing the right dominants to approach means your attempts at contacting them will be more successful. In part 2 we discussed how to find dominants and how to present yourself so that they notice you. In part 3 and 4 we looked at the issue of actually writing to a dominant. Perhaps you tried the exercise in writing a letter to Mistress Milliscent at the end of part 4. Congratulations. You are doing really well.

In this final post we are going to explore ways to cope with waiting to hear back from dominants, and with rejection. We will also talk about how to reply when a dominant contacts / responds to you.


Okay. So you sent the message off, and are watching your Inbox desperately. Stop it right now. Patience. Under no circumstances send more messages. Here's an example [of unsolicited mail] of how it looks from the dominant's end:
DATE: Aug 07 2007, 8:33 am
i would love to apply to be apart of your stable mistress i do have a webcam mistress

DATE: Aug 07 2007, 8:42 am
where do i apply mistress i am very intrested i have a webcam also

DATE: Aug 07 2007, 8:53 am
i am [several sentences about himself] i could webcam very intrested in being taken over by you mistress hope to hear soon from you

DATE: Aug 07 2007, 9:32 am
i am sitting here naked mistress about to drop some hot wax on my cock i really hope you take me on
And it got worse. When he received a rejection from my mail sub he changed his name and tried again. Then when he got no response, he created a new identity on the site and sent another message. He then posted on a public blog at MDS:
i am very new to the scene i have read some profiles on here
i am very intrested in mistress160 i hope to hear from mistress160 soon
Believe me, this doesn't work. It gets you reported to the site's administrator as a cyber stalker. And it gets your various names known to dominants as trouble. I was not surprised that this man was still posting months later about not having a Domme, although in his case the problem was compounded by the fact he never understood that the site where this occurred was not a dating site.

I know its hard to wait. But be patient. Just to show you subs are not the only one having a tough time, here's sweet_bit's advice to Doms on this same subject:
"if i don't respond to you right away, even though you may have spent hours on the perfect email, it is not a reflection on you. i have real life issues and responsibilities that have to come first... if you send me one that really touches or intrigues me, you will undermine it immediately if the next one i open starts whining that i didn't answer yet. and i have to tell you guys - nothing makes my skin crawl faster than a Dom that whines, you just handed me power that i have no desire for".
If you haven't heard after a week, then it's fine to send a brief courteous email double checking the dominant received your message or petition. It's much more polite to put it like that, rather than demand a decision.

If you receive a response back requested you resend your first email, then do so, and for God's sake don't take the dominant to task for losing the first copy. You don't have to deal with the enormous amount of mail that they do.

Waiting, after you've been
requested to send further info

There is a special hell I think for this kind of wait - the "wait" after the first wait, when you've had a response, and have forwarded the further info requested, or filled in the dominant's questionnaire.

My Fetlife friend cracked has kindly allowed me to xpost what he wrote during such a wait. It's a dreadful period ("tortuous") ... but equally the vision of potential futures, of possibilities, of "what might be" is endlessly sweet:

It's the 1st time I've seriously sought to contact a dominant woman. I was asked to send a letter and fulfil other tasks by doing so. The letter has been sent and now I must wait. And even though the wait has not been long, it's still tortuous.

Doubts plague my mind. Have I said the wrong thing? Have I said the right things? Will she be pleased by my efforts or dismissive of them? What will she think of me? It's only been a day, and the chances are I won't know until she responds, or doesn't (that would be worse).

But the much harder aspect is the fantasies that plague my mind since sending the letter. I often find myself distressed by my submissive nature. It's an itch I can't possibly reach myself to scratch. I haven't made any requests (no good slave should), and so thoughts of what might happen race through my head... I know how'll feel when I kneel before her wearing only the collar with her name on it: it's perhaps my only certainty right now. Will she smile as I suffer? will I ser her eyes light up as she decides precisely how? will she keep her face stern? will she rob me of the opportunity to see with a blindfold? Do I have any idea of what she'll put me through? I cannot possibly think of all the things she might do, and that powerlessness only feeds my yearning. Is this how every slave feels when they await their fate? To hunger for every cruelty and punishment, so that the hunger is a torment within itself. She's promised me that I will never escape her once the collar is on? I swooned when I read this.

Will she be the one I love? the one that I fall for, such that my helplessness becomes palpable, something I can touch. Is she the one I devote myself to selflessly? the one who'll free me from the torment of freedom? Will she be the one who brings the best out of me? Ripping it out with gleeful satisfaction. I can cope with the sexual torment to some extent and relieve myself... the emotional desire is harder, and cannot be relieved without ceding completely.

It begs the question of whether such love would be purgatory: an unending test of ones resolve, bitter and sublimely sweet.

Coping with rejection
Part 1: no response at all

"Sometimes no response *is* a response. Mull that over
for a while and wonder why it is that people might not
feel the need or desire to reply to your email"
(Stef, CollarMe)

Sometimes your petition is unsuccessful. Either the dominant didn't answer at all (as many don't with unsolicited messages, of which they may receive hundreds) or they responded with a rejection.

Let's look at the not answering thing for a minute. Unless you have run into a very busy or discourteous male dominant, this is usually a very specific male sub / female dominant problem. And male subs (with respect) make a lot of noise about it. "Poor fellow, you've emailed countless Dommes and none of them write back", writes Richard Evans Lee,
"What is wrong with them? You've expressed your willingness to do "anything." What more could they ask? Really the question is what is wrong with your or at least your presentation of yourself".
Exactly. So have a think about:
  • Who you wrote to. Contacting Bitch Goddess type Dommes on major sites, for example, may suit the stereotypes in your fantasies, but (even if you are into financial domination) rarely produces a play / life partner.
  • How / what you wrote. If it was the kind of message you saw examples of in part 4, perhaps you can understand why they didn't reply. Also, did your criteria match with the dominant's? If not, well, really there was never much chance of a response. Did the dominant know you? If not, same problem.
  • Why you wrote. This last may sound strange, but let's listen to solipsist for a moment:
"one reason many Dommes don't reply (from observation of the boys who contact Mistress160 and tales I've heard from other Dommes) is that while Dominant Women get deluged with unsolicited approaches, 99+% of those who contact them aren't genuine.

"If a Domme replies to a boy who has contacted her, and at one time Mistress did reply to almost all her mail (or gets her mail sub to do it for her), 9 times out of 10 she doesn't hear back from them. Of those who do reply, if She does take an interest in what they have asked for, half of those remaining exchange an e-mail or two, and then disappear.

"One common complaint among Dommes is that they can't find good subs. Or subs at all. Given the apparent disparity in numbers between male submissives and female dominants online, this is surprising, but appears to be true. The obvious conclusion is that most of the 'male subs' online aren't really what they appear to be.

"So perhaps the first thing you need to do before contacting a Domme is to be sure that you want contact with that Domme".
Sol's absolutely right about all this. I can't stress this too strongly: don't ever contact a dominant unless you sincerely want (some sort of) relationship with them.

But what if you feel you did everything right? As roo roo points out, if a dominant has posted publicly that she's looking for a sub:
"then she should have the resources (time, energy, willingness, etc.) to sort through all the responses. Saying "no, thanks" is a common courtesy. Of course, that common courtesy doesn't apply to those who obviously don't possess it themselves. Ignoring someone who went through the appropriate channels and did everything right is rude".
Yes, it is rude. But this raises the question: why are you trying to contact someone you know is rude ... because surely the research you've undertaken on the dominant
(the tone of her profile text / the reputation she has amongst others on the sites where she is active, etc) prior to writing to her, revealed this. Perhaps she wasn't quite the right match....

What can you do about a no response?

Let's talk about a situation where you really feel you've found the dominant of your dreams, the closest match you've ever had to your interests, you've done all the right things but you are not getting a response - but you don't want to give up. What can you do to bring yourself to their attention?

What you've probably come up against is someone who's at the end of their tether with vast amounts of unsolicited mail. As quietlisten has observed:
"it only takes a small percentage of inconsiderate subs to make life difficult for a whole lot of dommes and, by extension, the rest of the subs".
I know we've discussed this before, but it's worth repeating here because some male subs have sincere trouble understanding this: sol is right that "that most of the 'male subs' online aren't really what they appear to be". About half the unsolicited mail we receive is not even from subs, is usually highly obscene ("CUNT CUNT CNT CUNT") or written as a "joke" ("show us yr tits cuty pie"). The rest appears to be from subs but are usually the kind of messages you've just seen in the "samples of what not to write". Many are vanillas looking for kinky sex.

An interesting research project...

I can't verify this research's data acquisition methods (and have had no response to my email at CollarMe to Lady Kay) but here's what Lady Kay discovered, when she ran a research project in 2005 on why dominant women often can't find a submissive:
"I ... came up with some very interesting results ... the research panel consisted of approximately 2800 women and approximately 8,000 males in addition to scientific research of which there is little...
  1. The average women is genetically dis positioned to be submissive - so FemDommes are rare in the bigger gene pool of life (only 1 out of 1000 on average). Most women can be domineering and bossy, but that is not the same thing as erotically Dominant
  2. The average heterosexual male fantasizes about being taken by a powerful dominant woman (98%).
  3. On average there are 100 male submissives to every 1 FemDomme.
  4. Out of that 100 male submissives - 87% of them are just looking for kinky sex with a dominant woman - in other words they are bottoms at best for they have no true desire to submit, only to be sexually used by a woman and if it doesn't include sex they are not interested. They are only submissive if they are horny - take away the arousal and they are no longer submissive. (I refer to these men as kinky, not submissive).
  5. Out of the 13 male submissives left 5 of them want to be feminized and are not interested in submitting without being dressed as a woman (so if a FemDomme is looking for a MALE who loves serving as a male - it only gets harder to find).
  6. Out of the 8 left 4 are looking to be rescued - they don't want to have to initiate anything and although they say they will serve - they don't actually want to do anything. They tend to complain alot and have a long list of sad stories about the woes of their life. They carry more baggage than FedEx and if you don't Domme them exactly the way they want they will blame you for abusing them as well.
  7. Out of the 4 left 3 just want to avoid responsibility- they are basically lazy and want a woman to make all the decisions. They tend to stay detached as they can't be bothered to actually "participate" either... they just tend to float through life.
  8. There is only 1 submissive who is emotionally balanced with a true desire to explore his submission (which isn't based on arousal alone).
"So odds are FemDommes will have to go through hundreds of submissives to find just a couple of potential matches. To the submissive out there looking - you are a needle in a haystack of horny men. Don't give up - we are looking for you!"
Dominants talk about responding:

Some Dommes do try and respond, as JustMiss explains, re her CollarMe account:
"If someone read through [my profile] and they didn't match and they were a one-liner, I didn't feel obligated to reply.

"If someone didn't match me but they wrote out a really nice letter to me, I always replied. I'd thank them for taking the time to write, for sharing themselves with me, but that I didn't think that we were compatible and wished them luck on their search. If they wrote back again to pursue me, I no longer felt obligated to respond.

"If someone wrote and it was well written I'd respond with a well written reply and make further inquiry. Sometimes it went somewhere, sometimes it didn't.

"I personally enjoyed the fact that someone would take the time to write me, as I certainly wasn't browsing profiles to find anyone. I was just going off of the feedback and the mail I was receiving. I didn't mind taking the time to respond to anyone that seemed to put any thought into any response, even if it was only a few lines long"
But responding can be very wearying for many dominants, both because of constantly dealing with obscenities, and because the majority of people writing only see us as fantasy constructs, there to provide further stimulation for themselves. "Being a polite person", writes Elizabeth,
"I sent off "not interested but good luck to you" responses and get back either whiny manipulative missives or "that's okay, just tell me what you do with your husband" ... That's likely. Me using my husband to provide whack material for you.

"it didn't take long for me to feel like, as a dominant woman, I was being seen as some cyber blow up doll by pretty much anybody who contacted me. Which is unappealing to most women, but an absolute no go for a dominant unless she's looking for your Mastercard.

"how a real guy gets through to a real woman through all that noise, I couldn't imagine"
Good point. I know male subs find this hard to believe, but messages from what I call true subs - intelligent, sane submissive men who are sincerely making a request to serve - are very rare and (as Domina writes) "treasured above rubies" by Dommes. But I'm sure you can see how easily they can be lost in all the "noise", which heartbreakingly also acts to drive away those sincere subs. "This is reality", writes may may,
"and it's a damn shame. Whether I was dom or sub, with my nature, I'd have exactly five minutes patience to operate in a meat market culture in a crowd of people who *seem* as it their primary goal is to play the numbers to find someone willing to cyber with them without a Mastercard ... the noise they create actively makes it harder for people like you and me ... it devalues both submission and dominance"
It certainly does. And that "noise" means sometimes it's impossible for the dominant of your dreams to hear you. Their policies of deleting all unsolicited mail, or using a mail sub to sort their mail, are the result of trying to find ways to cope with that "noise".

So: if you have put time and effort into finding a good prospective dominant, then its worth trying other ways to reach them, such as interacting with them on the sites and forums where they are active, so that when you try contacting them again you will be known to them. I'd suggest you head back to part 3 for some practical ideas.

And keep in mind quietlisten's excellent advice for patience:
"It would be nice if a well-composed, thoughtful, focused note could open up a dialog, but from what I've seen the fatigue factor for a domme can be overwhelming. ...of the roughly a dozen notes I've sent during the past year and a half or so, about the only other response I have received is "Send a pic," then nothing. (I'm pretty ugly, so that's not surprising!)

"I figure it's a game of patience. If I'm just my adorable acerbic self and don't get in a huge rush, things will work out the way they are supposed to...."
Coping with rejection
Part 2: being turned down by a dominant

This can happen for many reasons. In real life it can be because a dominant doesn't feel your interests match, or that they don't play with people they don't know, or that they have a partner and do not play out of that relationship, etc. Online, it might be because their stable is full (cyber subs take up a lot of time. A Dom/me really can't take on many). Or because your interests don't match. Or because they don't take on subs they don't know.

But don't give up when this happens. As Master Eso says in his article The Process of Selection:
"don't be afraid of rejection. It is not only a process of selection, but also a process of elimination. If a Master chooses not to accept you as his slave, it might indeed be a good thing. A Master too, does know what he needs and desires. And if it doesn't fit for the Master or the slave, there is little point of trying to force it"
What can you do about this? In most cases, not much more than accept it and move on. But do so with grace. Don't do the sending nasty emails bit. All that does is confirm to the dominant that their decision was the right one. If you've made a mistake about the dominant's preferences re BDSM and sex, and they've responded sharply (as can happen) do what Domina advises, just:
"accept it. Don’t write back with justification. Don’t call him/her names. Go on to the next. You are not going to change anyone’s mind, and you are just ruining your chances for any of his/her friends".

A word about mail subs:

"I have never had so many emails I have had
to have some bloke in a dress process them for me.
I really believe this is a stupid femdom myth"
Bitchy Jones

Mail subs are a FemDom reality, and they fulfill an important function: they take a great deal of stress off their dominant by handling unsolicited mail. Not every dominant needs one, obviously, but if you have written to a very popular dominant your reply/ rejection may come from their mail sub.

It never ceases to sadden me how rude subs applying to serve are to subs who hold this trusted position, even when the mail sub has gone to considerable effort to advise them in a respectful manner how to make their next application more successful. My own mail sub has never received a single thanks for the hundreds of personal responses he has sent in reply.

Being rude to a mail sub is the ultimate short sighted response. If your application had been successful, this mail sub would have become your colleague and friend. And apart from the fact that being discourteous to a mail sub is being discourteous to their Dom/me, mail subs are your direct access point to their owners. They may have strict instructions as to what messages to pass on, but a dominant will always listen to their mail sub's advice on an applicant.

Turn your brain on, lol: be nice to the mail sub!!!!

Sending a thank you letter:

Whether the rejection message came from a dominant or their mail sub, always send a thank you message, thanking the dominant for their time / consideration of your petition. If the mail sub has offered advice as to how to improve your application, thank them too. And take on board their advice - they, after all, are in the best position to know what works and what doesn't with the dominant you would love to serve.

Sometimes a dominant will provide reasons for the rejection, sometimes they won't. If they don't, and you are feeling brave, ask them politely in your thank you letter what those reasons were so that you can refine your application and avoid similar mistakes in future. Its worth doing this for exactly those reasons, but also because some rejection reasons might allow a second chance. For example:
  • Rejected because you didn't provide the information the dominant requested, or follow the instructions they specified regarding applications from subs? Send an apology and ask whether another application with accurate info will be accepted for consideration.
  • Rejected because your kinky interests didn't match? Three things here. Firstly, communication, communication, lol: make sure you read your next prospective dominant's profile and interests better. Secondly, go back to your lists from part 1. You obviously contacted someone who didn't match your criteria - so go back, and double check that criteria. Make sure you apply it next time. Thirdly, if you feel the dominant has made a mistake, perhaps in haste, and that you do match, you could either try to raise this (politely!) in your thank you letter, or back off for a while, and get your interests across another way (start a thread in a forum / post on your blog / upload some photos)
  • Rejected because the dominant has a full stable? Include in your thank you letter that you'd be grateful if your name / application could be added to their waiting list. As Ms Margo points out, "there are many submissives that I've had to say "no" to because the timing wasn't right, but some have stayed in occasional polite contact (polite is the key word here!), and if I ever wanted a new submissive those would be the people I would think of first. If you have the patience to wait until the timing is right, you will increase your chances of finding a Dom".
Back to the drawing board?

Okay. It happens. Sometimes communication just doesn't happen. Or you can't find a dominant partner you feel is right for you, to contact.

Perhaps, as Ambrosio has observed:
"you have been trying to hard, [you have] too much focused on your own [f]antasy, you may be looking in the wrong places or it is a combination of all three of these factors ... I personally have always found my S&M-partners, including my girlfriend, outside S&M circles. ... Be like an antenna, sending out signals that other people will understand. The main signal is not "I am into S&M", the main signal is "Don't be afraid to ask. Talk to me"
Don't let frustration drive you nuts. Keep your energy focused on something constructive, preferably building on your experience levels / reputation in your local real time kinky community. "While you are being patient waiting for the right Dominant to come along, learn about the scene and socialize in it if possible" advises Ms Margo:
"Read the newsgroups and FAQ's for information. If you have questions, post them. If nothing else, it will get you mail. Read scene related books and magazines, not just to look at the pictures. Go to [local kinky] events, where you have the opportunity to meet more people in the scene".
Keep an eye out too for paths you may not have followed in your original attempt to find a dominant. Join different sites. When you hear of dominants trying to help, support their attempts. To provide one example, Mistress Milliscent made a wonderful offer on her blog earlier this year:
"I know how difficult it can be to find a bdsm partner, both for those seeking long term relationships and those just seeking occasional bdsm play with someone they enjoy.

"Large internet dating sites offer good chances, as do the myriad of SM events and groups around the Puget Sound. Both of these are not without their drawbacks though, so I've decided to offer my readers the following service.

"If you are searching for someone, as another way of getting your message out there, I will at my discretion, consider posting advertisements here on the blog on your behalf ... Be creative, make your ad interest me ... I assure you that if your ad sounds interesting to me, it will be interesting to a potential partner"
Have a guess how many responses Mistress Milliscent received? If you are still searching for a Domme, why not take her up on her offer. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Finally, read these two posts by Axe of Unspeakable Axe :
And you'll feel better immediately, I promise.

Casual play ... and the importance of friends:

You will find someone eventually", advises oscagne:
"just don't expect it to be instantaneous - you will have to give a lot, and be extremely patient - but trust me, there is someone there for you. And even in the meantime if you don't find the relationship you are looking for, maybe you'll find some very good friends in the process - [and] get some "casual" play along the way".
I am sure you have, or will have, both of these things, because by now you will have local contacts with your kinky community and will be attending local events and play parties. You may also be playing online. Sometimes its best just to put your search aside for a while, and enjoy your friends and any casual play that comes your way.

(I know sometimes this can be especially difficult for switches, who often feel forced at parties to "switch" to the role
(usually to act as a top) most desired by others . This can lead to nasty cases of drop, so make sure you obtain proper aftercare. You might like to read the BDSM For Beginners post on aftercare for switches, as well as my Emergency Self Aftercare Instructions)

Sometimes stopping your search and focusing on friends is the best thing you can do.
As Miss Bonnie has wisely observed: "I think when you stop looking you have more chance of finding others". typesgirl on CollarMe agrees: "i found my Master before i knew i was a sub and when i wasn't even looking. i think "true love", or whatever version of that you believe in, happens when you least expect it", while 1wildwolf:
"finally found my Domme when i got so frustrated at being online and got my ass out into a local munch ... that said, it took over 2 years of trying to get the confidence....and a lot of walks up and down the street before i walked into the bar, lol..."
Meanwhile, as switch discovered:
"People with interests other than "looking" are more attractive than people who are frantically looking. Self sufficiency is sexy. It's hard to look sexy in this particular way on a dating site.

"Also sizing up everyone you meet as a potential lover tends to cause you to dismiss good matches for superficial reasons. Most happily coupled people I know (myself included) are not with the person they would have or did describe in a personal profile"
Desperate Measure No 1: when you really need a rant....

When you need to have a rant about the whole experience (we are all entitled to the odd bout of self pity) remember to do so in a secure environment, such as a private group or chat room, surrounded by friends. In the dominant hunting game it's important to conceal too much negativity - you don't want to drive away the one you seek, who could be checking you out right now.

I read a thread on CollarMe recently where a bitter, disappointed male sub made his feelings against "
the nacissistic bigots I meant dommes in this site" known:
"A male is seen as a pathetic whiner for complaining about getting no attention while its acceptable for a woman to complain about getting too much attention. What should be classed as the most pathetic?"
To which one dominant, LaMistressa responded:
"even if [this sub] had a picture like Brad Pitt, his poisoned attitude would get delete/block from me. That negativity permeates everything in his profile, not to mention his posts".
So have your rant privately, amongst friends - or if you really must do it somewhere in public, make it amusing. What's the first thing a dominant will do after they burst out laughing at some witty remark you've made? They'll go check out your profile.

and one more thing: I have fantastic dominant friends, both online and real time, looking for subs even as I write. We have long conversations about how good subs are impossible to find. We sometimes settle for second best because the best remains elusive in the constant "noise" around us. So KEEP TRYING.

Desperate Measure No 2: "building your own dominant":

Ms Margo suggests that if you are having trouble finding a BDSM partner, don't forget you may be able to work on the vanilla relationship you have at home - you can read more on Ms Margo's "build your own dominant" ideas here.

It's a terrific line, and I appreciate Ms Margo's aim with this, but I think the whole subject of involving vanilla partners is a separate series on BDSM For Beginners' posts.

The one thing I want to stress here now, is that you really need to examine your motivation for "building" your own dominant. If you have always desperately wanted the love of your life to dominant you, that's worth doing some reading about (a couple of places to start: the books on this subject suggested in my BDSM For Beginner's post on published resources, and
Mistress Rika's brilliant article "The Vanilla Domme: tips for enjoying D/s when you're not a dominatrix").

However, I don't support people who only want to change their current vanilla partner to "fill in", so to speak, while they seek the perfect (replacement) partner online.

Desperate Measure No 3:
ing a professional Domme:

"It's not working, Ms160, I can't find anyone,
I'm so lonely and I feel like BDSM is an itch I can't
scratch. What about seeing a professional?"

Why not, indeed. This really isn't a "desperate measure", it's just some people view it that way, but there is nothing wrong with seeking a professional dominant, either real time or online. You may have real life circumstances that preclude your finding a BDSM partner. Or not want to place your high profile job at risk by getting involved with your local kinky scene. Or like the sub who wrote to me above, you might be feeling too frustrated to keep looking for a partner. The loneliness may become too much.

In these cases, if your submissive itch is simply getting out of control, there is always the alternative of meeting with a professional, either in real time or online. This won't be cheap. But you control the situation (by which I mean they will provide you with exactly the scenario that will scratch your particular itch), and if you choose the right dominant you'll have a lot of fun. In fact, I think everyone should visit a professional dungeon during their kinky lives. It's a great experience.

How to choose who to visit? Well, you've already done all the work. You know exactly what you are looking for in a play partner. You know exactly what scratches those itches of yours, lol. So get online, find where the local BDSM dungeons / professionals are, and start the procedure (which will be outlined on their website) that will lead to your appointment with a Mistress or Dom that suits you.

Some advice from Ms Margo:
"Keep in mind that a professional Dominant is not a prostitute. Do not expect her to have sex with you, or even allow you "manual release", just because you are paying her. You are paying for her time and her skills, just like you would pay your doctor or your dentist

"She is also not your girlfriend. If you come to see her often you may develop a friendly relationship with her, or you may not. She likely has lots of other clients and you are just one of them. Remember that no matter how pleasurable it is, it is still a business transaction"
So if sex is what you want, make sure you check the Domme provides it. As Mistress Alyssa once responded in a forum thread called "Why are Mistresses so anti-sex?":
"Some dommes won't escort. Some escorts won't domme. Some strippers will escort but won't domme. Some dommes will strip and escort at work but not at the other work. Some strippers domme onstage but not in private. Some strippers will domme with an escort but only every other Thursday. You need to find the right equation. Keep looking and you will"
Want to seek a proDomme online?

Again, fine. You have all the info you need to select someone who suits you. There's a lot of gossip in the chat rooms about the pros and cons of online proDommes, and I don't deny there are some seriously unpleasant (often non kinky) women acting as proDommes online. But there are also some really great women, some of whom I'm honored to call my friends (such as the beautiful and fiendish Mistress Tich) who are proud of the professional service they offer.

So ask around. And unless you have a very specific financial domination kink, simply avoid the financial dom princesses with their little girl avatars and flashing tribute signs.

"OMG, the dominant I contacted actually
answered positively ... what do i do now??"

LOL. Seriously, that's great. Let's look carefully at what they've written, so we can put some thought into getting the response right:

  • Have they responded with a single line? "Tell me more" or "send a photo" are quite common responses on dating sites. Not exactly helpful, but not negative either. Okay: tell them more. But don't go overboard. Keep your response to a couple of paragraphs, and make sure you mention interests you have in common. Re the "send a photo" response, I'd actually risk a further message to clarify what type of pix to send. Because sending the wrong image is going to put an end to the communication.
  • Think about: why have they responded? Do they mention what about you intrigues them? Do they ask any specific questions? If so, answer them, keeping your response short.
  • Is their manner formal or informal? Make sure you respond with a similar tone. Don't get too informal! Double check how they sign their name.
For each message you receive in future, keep these points in mind.

If all goes well, other forms of contact will be suggested. IMing is good. The chat room is good. Always keep being courteous a priority. Oh, and if you meet in the chat room, refrain from boasting that you are meeting a dominant shortly. If you really can't refrain, lol, be VERY careful what you say - all chat rooms have transcripts as well as regular gossips. A dominant doesn't need to be in the room to know what been said. I've seen several tentative new friendships go right down the plughole because a sub forgot this.

Once a dominant gives you a private IM address, don't misuse it. Don't contact them at all hours. Don't give it to another sub. Oh, and keep time differences in mind. As I wrote once in desperation in a comment on Richard Evans Lee's How To Woo A Domme Online post:
"contacting Mistresses with requests for attention at their crack of dawn (or earlier) is a tad unwise. You are unlikely to receive the kind of response you want when Mistress has been woken at 4am (as has happened to me these last two days). Believe me at 4am Mistress does NOT want to want to consider your submission, does NOT want to play, does NOT want to see your (I am sure very nice) dick photos and does NOT want to watch you wank…"
LOL. What about voice chat? Richard makes some wise points on FemdomDating:
"nowadays Yahoo Messenger Google Talk, not to mention VOIP services like Skype enable you to chat over the web without losing the safety of anonymity.

"going to spoken chat is probably best reserved until you feel really sure about the other person. The very beginning may be a bit stiff, you’ll each be nervous. While there may be some stuttering and stumbling hopefully each person can take that into account and allow time for comfort and confidence to develop"

How do I respond when a dominant contacts me, out of the blue?

How wonderful. What do they say? That they know you from, that you have mutual friends. Oh and they like your sense of humor in your posts? That's great.

You do realize, this is all your hard work paying off? You are part of so many great kinky communities, you have good friends, such great networking, now. Have you checked their profile? And you like it? What else do they say? That they'd like to know more about you. So. What to write back???

My dear friend, after reading your way through the five long posts in this series ... after completing each assignment ... I think you know how to respond ...

Go on ... and good luck!

"okay, so now I have a dominant, and its great, but..."
(maintaining a D/s relationship)

Sometimes we spend so long on the journey that we forget that the D/s relationship we finally achieve - like any new relationship - will need work, too. As Mrs Claudia observes:
"When a Dominant accepts the service and submission from her husband... or boyfriend, it is very significant. The Dominant needs to realize that she is responsible for the safety and well being of her slave and he is trusting her to not do many things. The submissive is trusting her to not:
  1. Take advantage of him.
  2. Injure or hurt him (in a bad way)
  3. Abandon him, ridicule him.
  4. Emotionally, psychologically or physically abuse him or
  5. Humiliate him (again in a bad way).
"It takes great amounts of trust and respect for a submissive to allow the Dominant to take control of his life"
As Mrs Claudia notes, such relationships "never happen instantaneously, nor smoothly". While I will definitely write a BDSM For Beginners post on maintaining D's relationships, for now if you are experiencing teething problems I suggest you read Mrs Claudia's terrific post. But be warned, she uses that dreaded word: COMMUNICATE!! And here's a final one from me: patience! And I mean it. Because you finally have the relationship of your dreams in your grasp, so treat it with respect and care.

And congratulations, by the way, from myself and everyone in the acknowledgment list below, on finally finding your dominant....

(smaller lists relating to topic can be found on each post)

Online Resources on finding a dominant - general:

Ambrosio Meeting Someone Else into BDSM
Anon Finding Your Dominant
Anon The Acid Test (checks for weeding out fake online Dom/mes)
CarrieAnn - FemSubStartingPlace
Domina BDSM, Dominants, Switches and Submissives
Eileen Until they become conscious they will never rebel
Eileen, quoted by Richard Evans Lee Who Should Say Hello First?
Elizabeth Bow before my Splendiforesness
Elizabeth No Strings Attached
IrishWinks What I Learned about Personal Ads
Richard Evans Lee Femdom Dating
Richard Evans Lee Femdom Weblogs & Forums
Richard - How to Woo a Domme Online
FAD How to Meet Dominant Women ... from a Sub's Point of View
Bob Harris To Catch A Dom
Miria Hunter Preparing the Gift for Giving
Jade D/s cyber relationships of the wrong kind
Jade Dominants ... what am I looking for?
Tamar Kay Finding A Kinky Partner, part 1, part 2, part 3
kim "What makes a good dominant" (2007 unpublished)
Lady Myles - Ms160's private Mistress Forum
Marquise Meeting a Dominant Woman
Master Eso The Process of Selection
MinofSin - correspondence with Ms160
Miss Bonnie Finding Miss Right
Mistress Michelle Choosing a Mistress
Ms Margo On Patience: Or, How do I get a Dom, Anyway?
Ms Margo How do I find a Dom / Dominant/ Dominatrix/ domme/ Goddess/ Mistress/ dominant Lady/ dominate woman?
Mistress Steel Finding your Dominant
Mrs Claudia What exactly is the role of a Dominant?
oscagne Looking - advice
Jack Rinella Seeking Partners
Raven Shadowborne Finding a partner in BDSM
sweet_bits Some simple recommendations on first contacts
Trixie "Advice on applications to a Mistress" (you will need to sign up as a member to access this:

Virtual world social networking sites:
James Harkin "Get a (second) life" (Financial Times 17 Nov 2006)
Roz Kaveney "Second Lives and Online Utopias" (TLS 16 May 2007)
Victoria Paine "Kinky Demographics of SL BDSM Community" (Second Life Herald 11 Sept 2007)
Irene Sege "Leading a double life" (Boston Globe 25 Oct 2006)
Wikipedia "Red Light Center" (October 2007)
Wikipedia "Second Life" (October 2007)

Published resources:
Esther Gwinnell Online Seductions: Falling in Love with Strangers on the Internet
Karen Martin How to capture a Mistress

Aldra Robinson Kinky Love: BDSM Dating Sites

Real life interactions:
BDSM local scene list
FAD General Etiquette, Dress and Protocol
Horseman Play Party Etiquette
Miscellaneous Tips for Newbies
Miss Bonnie Warning Signs
Mistress Matisse Text of a not-uncommon type of email for me
Roo Roo Beginning Real Time
XMentor Munch Etiquette and Dungeon Party (Scene) Etiquette
Franklin Veaux Folks I can do without

Dominants and subs on contacting dominants:
Eileen Until they become conscious they will never rebel
Elizabeth Bow before my Splendiforesness
Lady Jadis Word of Warning
Lady Myles It always amazes me...
may may - FetishLore and Stupid stupid gay tops are just as bad as other men and women
MinofSin - correspondence with Ms160
Mistress Matisse From the Inbox (letters)
Mistress Milliscent Personal Ads
Mistress160 How NOT to contact a new Mistress
sweet_bits Some simple recommendations on first contacts

Forum discussions:
Want to join in discussions with Ms160 and others quoted in this series?
Come and visit Fetish lore's Finding Others forum, including:

On CollarMe:
On MyDungeonSpace:
You'll also find lots of people to discuss this topic on, which started after I posted this series.

Emergency Need Hope! posts:

Axe of Unspeakable Axe :

Thank You's for the
Contacting Dominants series:

While all BDSM For Beginners posts are collaborative efforts,
this series was especially so. Sincere thanks as always to everyone
who contacted me with experiences and ideas,
as well as:

Mistress Milliscent , Lady Myles
Mistress Matisse, Elizabeth Eileen,
Richard Evans Lee Mrs Claudia
Mistress Tich

Master Joe's kim
and friends at:

(Quesera, switch, Ms Reciprocity, Tom Allen,
JustMiss, may may, roo-roo and quietlisten),

FSSP (here's your "more fame, oh yay" credit, CarrieAnn!)
CollarMe (MistressKay, Stef,
(Miss Bonnie and Miss Bitch)
and MyDungeonSpace
(sweet_bits, billc393, lei_da
tacit, myraanken, pickin_grinnin ,
Vic, skyey, LadyUrsa, underwhere, Flaming_Redhead
and last but never least, lol: MinofSin)

Part 15: How to find and contact a Dominant - writing to dominants

trust me - the written word and approach
are very revealing ... trust your instincts

hello **** plz make me your slave.
whip me nd embarrass me nd ill b ur
bitch nd follow ur every command

I replied to him politely and told he might benefit from Ms160
latest article on how to contact a Domme and gave him the link
surprise he read it, he did his research but must of gotten
about half way through LOL he then sent the same message to me
on three other sites, at least he researched where I go
Just goes to show with a little help some subbies can ALMOST improve
Miss Bonnie

This is the fourth post in my BDSM For Beginners educational series on how to contact dominants. If you are new to this series, please read the Introduction first.

In part 1 we looked at ways to work out your own needs and desires, so you can begin to establish what you want in a dominant - knowing the right dominants to approach means your attempts at contacting them will be more successful. In part 2 we explored how to find dominants and how to present yourself so that they notice you. In part 3 we examined informal and formal ways of initiating contact, and practicalities of writing.

In this post we'll look at examples of real letters to dominants:
  • examples of what NOT to write
  • examples of good letters
  • posts by dominants about the messages they receive
  • an exercise for those wanting to try drafting a message
In the final post we'll discuss how to cope waiting to hear from dominants, how to deal with rejection - and how to reply when dominants respond, or contact you direct.

Examples of what NOT to write:

"Please - seriously - show the subs reading this
the kind of messages we constantly receive"

This post has been added at the request of dominants - including myself - who'd like you to experience a small section of their daily mail, so you can see why so much unsolicited correspondence frustrates them / gets deleted upon receipt / takes time to sort and respond.

Keep in mind when you read this section that the majority of mail we receive is from non kinky men simply writing to be rude ("u ned a hard fuck dommo bitch, my cock will fix u") or wanting kinky sex. I'm not bothering to include examples of these.

The following messages are from men and women who believe themselves to be submissive. How they write is typical of the kind of mail we regularly receive every day, en masse. These are recent examples (most unsolicited, a few in response to personal ads) received by myself and Dom/me friends, including Elizabeth's fake profile. Each message is followed by a "what's wrong" comment (with comments collated from several dominants) and in some cases a further section with comments by the dominant it was sent to.

Reading these carefully will mean you will avoid making similar errors when you write.
nyc slave 54 fit trained
WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Spelling / grammar errors. Doesn't address dominant's criteria (ie, the dominant's kinky interests, preferences or statements regarding how they'd like to be contacted / applications be sent, etc)
hi Ma'am , i really wanna be ur slave , to serve and obey u , be ur servant , even ur dog Ma'am . am 20 male Ma'am . am a begenner Ma'am , so i don't know my limits but i believe that i can push any for my mistress , MA'am
WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Spelling / grammar errors. Doesn't address dominant's criteria. Unrealistic offer / request ("can push any [limits]") made to complete stranger (result= reduces sub's credibility)
Hello, I'm an experienced, obedient sub/slave in central NJ. I'm 6'1", physically fit, D/D free, non smoker. I'd like to serve you any way that you'd like . Please write
WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Doesn't address dominant's criteria. Pressures for response. Unrealistic offer / request ("serve you any way that you'd like") made to complete stranger
hey Mitress id love to be yrs 24/7 no limits
WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Spelling / grammar errors. Doesn't address dominant's criteria. Unrealistic offer / request ("love to be yrs 24/7 no limits) made to complete stranger
Hello, i have not seen You here before on [...]. i am seriously looking to serve and please a dominant woman. serving and pleasing is my utmost desire. wWhile You have not written anything, i have responded as i am very attracted to tall slim women which You appear to be. i would love to hear from You.
WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Spelling / grammar errors. No useful info provided. Unrealistic offer / request
Are You looking for a sub?
WHAT'S WRONG: Obviously the dominant is looking for a sub. Obviously you know they are looking for a sub. Otherwise why are you writing to them? If you are interested in a dominant and don't know if they are looking, then find out before you write. If they are not looking for a sub, don't write. Go back to the other posts in this series and explore other ways to bring yourself to their attention.

Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Doesn't address dominant's criteria. No information about applicant.
u sound ok as a domme so send me your complet mesurements IMMEDIATELY so i can see if u are what i want. And DONT LIE. fat pig dommes that lie about their fat are just the lowest
WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Spelling / grammar errors. Insults Domme. Doesn't address dominant's criteria. Pressures for response.
Greetings Ma'am ,,may Wwe talk ?
WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Spelling errors. No info about applicant. Ignores dominant's criteria (which in this case stated the Domme doesn't IM or chat because of different time zones). Nothing wrong with asking a dominant if you can chat with them, just make sure they DO chat and that your message is courteous.
Sir i really LIK your profile hear please tell me how do yo will help me serve u i am hapy to be BBW sex slave than yr bitch wife. contact me
WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Spelling / grammar errors. Ignores dominant's criteria (offers as sex slave when in this case the Dom's profile was clear sex was not part of his BDSM practice; also ignores dominant's preferred form of address). Pressures for response. Insults Dom's wife.
hi mistress can i serve you some time?
WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. No grammar. Doesn't address dominant's criteria. No information about applicant. Unspecific offer, made to a complete stranger
title: im ur slave
message: please humilate me mistress my little cock and ass is urs
WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Spelling / grammar errors. Ignores dominant's criteria (information was available that she was not interested in Small Penis Humiliation. Also ignores that Domme's profile said she was not seeking subs)
Hello Mistress, I am a mature slave dog with no limits,have been in the lifestyle all my life,i am now uncollared and unbranded,i wish to serve a mistress 24/7 i am single and unattached ... would now like to relocate ...are you interested mistress i will serve and worship you
WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Doesn't address dominant's criteria (in this case ignored the fact the dominant's profile said she was already in a D/s marriage and not looking for a sub, as well as ignored specific directions re how to contact her). Unrealistic request ("no limits").

COMMENT FROM RECEIVING DOMME: "This message sent immediately warning bells. No sub with significant experience ("have been in the lifestyle all my life") will claim "no limits". Rather, they will provide a list of them, both soft and hard, along with their interests. Its also a form letter. I HATE form letters, lol".

Remember Mistress Matisse (from her From The Inbox series, July 2007) on form letters?:
"This email [quoted on blog] has the distinct whiff of a form letter. I suspect that the writer CC's it to ladies on the various BDSM personal ads sites. (Probably without regard to whether they identify as dominant or submissive - men on those sites often do that. Post a cute picture, and no matter what you say about yourself, some guy will write you and say, no, no, you just don't understand that it's your true nature to be a stern Mistress/helpless slave!

"Or they'll just ignore your text completely and address you as if you already are what they want you to be"

Morning.....I am a attractive,professional submissive male seeking to serve and understand the female supremacy. I am in [city] and wish to find a lady who demands her man is obedient and wishes to and train him as she ses fit. I appreciate your reponse and hope to talk. Thank you [name]

WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Spelling / grammar errors. Ignores dominant's criteria (the dominant had female supremacy listed in her profile as a hard limit, lol).

Am sorry ma'm. I was wandering if i could apply for being a personal slave of a [country name] mistress in any way. I saw you on [site name] and was immediatly aroused. I am [personal details]. You do with me what you will. Please Respond !!
WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Spelling / grammar errors. Doesn't address dominant's criteria (re sub application instructions, amongst other things). Pressures for response. No useful info about applicant. Unrealistic offers.

COMMENT FROM RECEIVING DOMINANT: "I'm sure he's a nice guy but writing this sort of letter, he can't expect to be taken seriously. To offer to move half away around the world for a woman he has never even spoken to, or seen - and who's profile says is not looking? Dominants just lose interest when they receive this sort of thing. A courteous and realistic introduction letter will get subs much further"

“Hey Mistress, I am very new this. I think you’re gorgeous, can we chat?”
WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Form letter. Doesn't address dominant's criteria.

COMMENT FROM RECEIVING DOMINANT: "I wouldn’t call them letters, more, ‘form text messages’ ... at the moment I just delete them and don’t bother to reply"


First i am a new sub guy, looking to learn all about BDSM. i havent had much experinace, but jkeen to learn, sounds if you might know abit about this, so be good to read what you say etc, and some day put into practise. can you point me inthe direction , so i can read an learn more, would muchly appriciate it, i would really like to talk to you and learn from you , hope to hear from you soon,
WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Spelling / grammar errors. Pressures for response.

COMMENT FROM RECEIVING DOMINANT: "I'm always happy to hear from subs interested in education, but in this case the info he wanted (links to my site) were provided on my profile, so he hadn't read it. He received a response from my mail sub giving the info again, we never heard back. If he had truly wanted a dialogue with me, all it would have taken was a thank you message to my mail sub".
Hi Mistress,

i was wondering if you enjoy teasing and denial? My record is 30 days of denial. If you think that controlling my cock and orgasms would be fun, then please write me back.

Thank you
WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. The message is too familiar.

COMMENT FROM RECEIVING DOMINANT: "This is a polite message, decent grammar and spelling and all, although as a form letter it's obviously gone out to every Mistress on the website. It's the subject. I mean, if he met me on the street for the first time would his first words be "hi, want to control my cock and orgasms?". Just because I'm dominant he thinks he can speak to me like this? He should treat a Mistress like a real person not an online fantasy!"
Hello there,
How are you today? I am a submissive male, age [..], from [...]. I know it is about what you desire and how I can please you. I know you may not like a "laundry list" from me but its more for you to see if we have some common interests and if we should chat or act further with them. By no means am I telling you what I want or what has to be done that is for you to decide. However, some of the things I have done/tried and want to experience are [...] I would love to be used and humiliated for your pleasure, discliplined anyway you desire. I have also recently had some interest in [...]. I am open to much, Do you have any [...]

Hope to hear from you soon!

P.S. IM address
email address
AIM address
WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Opening sentences too familiar. Not signed. Spelling errors. Form letter. Therefore, doesn't address the dominant's criteria

COMMENT FROM RECEIVING DOMINANT: "This message provides a classic example of why subs should avoid form letters. The sub obviously went to some effort to write this, but it's just not what a dominant wants to hear. The line about "I know you may not like a "laundry list" from me but its more for you to see if we have some common interests and if we should chat or act further with them" really irritated me: this man is contacting ME. Why am I having to check whether his interests match mine?

"He should have checked our interests matched before writing. But of course this is a form letter. If he'd written to me personally (addressed me by name) and expressed an interest in me personally (rather than as one of many dominants he's sent the letter to) he would have had my attention. As it is, his obsequious tone just irritates me".

Hello my Lady

I am currently looking to serve at my Lady's whim and I am available to immediately meet you ... I can spend numerous hours serving you as your sex slave, personal and house slave as well as your partner in many things. I can cook, clean, massage you, bathe you, give you pedicures, foot and body massages, financial advise...

I have been somewhat in the lifestyle but I am yerning to truly belong to someone ... Please consider me at least for an interview and I do promise you will be happy that you did. I am eagerly awaiting your responce on ****... you may call me now if you wish.

Thank you, I remain your humble servant. [name]

WHAT'S WRONG: Interestingly several of the subs I showed this to thought the letter a good one. If you did as well, then make sure you take on board the following points that irritated dominants.

This is a classic example of what Mistress Matisse terms:
"the Panty-Washer type of guy – someone who at first tries to convince you that his fetish is all about your pleasure. But upon closer examination, it’s all about his fetish. That doesn’t surprise me. I know when I hear someone say “I want to do whatever pleases you, Mistress”, I always mentally add, “…as long as it’s something I find erotic.” ... don’t play manipulative games and pretend that you're just doing something for her."
Doesn't address the dominant by name. Spelling / grammar errors. Smarmy, ungenuine tone. The sentence "I have been somewhat in the lifestyle" sends up alerts to a dominant that actual experience levels are being dodged. Pressures for response.

Ignores dominant's criteria (offers himself as a "sex slave, personal and house slave as well as your partner in many things" and lists in detail many intimate services, when the dominant is not seeking a sexual or life partner, or a "financial adviser". This is presumptuous). As Mistress Matisse points out, in response to receiving something similar in her mailbox:
"see, this is why many women would say no to allowing a strange man even limited erotic access to their bodies – give them a foot, they’ll take a pussy"!
i am sitting here naked mistress about to drop some hot wax on my cock i really hope you take me on
WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. No grammar. Doesn't address dominant's criteria. The message is too familiar.

COMMENT BY RECEIVING DOMME: "From a complete stranger, this message had waaaay too much information, lol. He sent six messages in one day, then changed identity twice and tried repeatedly to contact me over the next month, after receiving rejection from my mail sub. He also posted a blog on MDS that was worded to make other members think I'd taken him on. I can't think of a faster way to turn a Dominant's attention off".

Goodevening Mistress, I am ** years of age and a student here at ***. I have no experience of BDSM, but am a willing an devoted learner, ready to be nurtured into the exact slave you want.
Thank you for your time, Yours Obediantly

WHAT'S WRONG: This one is interesting. He makes a lot of mistakes (doesn't address the dominant by name. Spelling errors. etc). He also included a photo, which can go either way, in terms of interesting a dominant. In this case the photo (he was young and cute!) and his being clear about his inexperience attracted the Domme's interest. So it just goes to show, if you put the effort into contacting the right Domme, even with mistakes you can have success.

COMMENT BY RECEIVING DOMME: this was one of Elizabeth's fake profile responses. She writes: "I had to slap myself and remember I'm not looking!".

Examples of what TO write:

I'm sure you've had enough of the letters above, but it was well worth your time to read them as you can now avoid similar errors. Time for something positive. Let's look at some real letters that dominants liked, and that may have resulted in a sub being taken on. Read these equally carefully.

The first is by a male sub friend contacting Dommes via CollarMe. He focused on contacting women who's:
"profiles screamed "competent, compassionate, and dominant." They are geographically dispersed and/or are in a relationship, but each has turned out to be wonderful to know on line".
Dear [name],

While I don't reach out to a lot of women on this site, your profile really caught my attention because your Likes list shows you are both a thinker and doer. You also understand a submissive male's need to please.

I am searching for a woman I can serve in ways that bring us both great happiness. I see such a relationship as having all the closeness of a traditional relationship but with an added level of D/s commitment. I often imagine an ideal future in which we journey together, our power exchange concealed from those who see us, yet neither of us able to forget it.

I can't tell a lot from your profile, but if you decide to look at mine and want to chat more, please let me know what additional information I can provide. Either way, have a wonderful day.

Best Wishes,
WHATS RIGHT: Addressed the Domme by name. Signed with author's name. Spelling and grammar good. Pleasant, polite tone. Has very little info on dominant's profile but tries hard with what he has, and also provides info on what submission means to him personally. This reassures the dominant that he is a genuine sub, and thoughtful about his own nature, and what type of relationship he is looking for.

WHAT'S WRONG: Nothing really wrong in this case, but keep in mind if you are contacting a dominant outside the US that some American colloquialisms may appear too familiar. I'd replace the "if you decide to look at [my profile] and want to chat more", with "if my profile is of interest, please let me know what additional info", etc - this removes pressure to respond.

The next letter is from a female sub to a Dom she found intriguing on MyDungeonSpace.
Dear Master [name],

I hope you don't mind my writing to you. I'm new to BDSM. I saw your [site name] profile and there was something about your photo, you seemed both kind and stern. And then I met your sub c** in the chat room. It was so interesting to hear how your interests are similar to mine, although of course my (submissive) journey has only just begun.

I have been hoping to find someone who I could contact now and then about BDSM issues that confuse or trouble me, and I wondered if I might write to you, or whether you could advise me who to contact?

Please give my best regards to c**.

Yours sincerely,
WHATS RIGHT:Addressed Dom by name. Signed with author's name. Spelling and grammar good. Courteous tone. Compliments Dom. Mentions similar interests and a connection with Dom (via sub, who she purposely sought out in the chat room and made friends with).

COMMENT FROM RECEIVING DOM: "I liked her courteous tone, and that fact she'd gone to the trouble to speak to my subs - it showed forward planning and the ability to take a risk. I also liked that she didn't push to be taken on as a sub, but suggested I act as an adviser / mentor. Obviously she hoped this would lead to other things - which it did"

The next letter is also by a female sub, writing to a female dominant:
Dear M ***,

My name is [real name]. We met last year at [site name], and once in the [site name] chatroom as [name]. That was such a great scene, your sub [name] was so funny. After you left, when we were the only girls there, I swear she controlled all the boys in the room!

I know you are not taking subs on at the moment, but the boys in the chat room always claimed you had a waiting list. I wondered how I might get my name on that? I've not filled out a formal request to serve (as per your blog's instructions for subs), I thought I'd wait to hear whether it was required for waiting list members. Hope that was the right thing to do.

Best regards
[first name]
WHAT'S RIGHT: Addressed Domme by name. Signed with author's name. Spelling and grammar good. Courteous tone. Compliments the Domme and her sub.

RECEIVING DOMME: "She used my name which almost never happens! Her tone was courteous, she'd obviously spell checked (also rare). I appreciated her reminding me when we met (extra points for remembering to provide her name from that site). She showed awareness of my sub contact instructions and gives a reason why she has not followed them. I responded that she was welcome to reply, and ended up taking her on early in 2007 when I had a vacancy in my sub stable".

Posts by dominants (and subs!) about messages:
  • For an example of a message - in response to a profile - the dominant in question (devastating) thought "a pretty high quality response, and I definitely wrote back ... things haven’t proceeded very far with this guy, but we might still meet, I think", as well as examples of mail devastating didn't respond to, see her blog post here.
  • To read Mistress Matisse's From The Inbox series (which includes her views on some seriously BAD examples of letters, lol) click here.
  • To read Lady Myles' response to a "fairly articulate, which leads me to believe that reformation is possible" message, click here.
  • Maymay's post about a gay dom message he received is here.
  • Elizabeth's CollarMe "experiment" here.
Today's homework: want to try writing a letter to a dominant?

If you are serious about giving this a go, and want help with creating a letter, here's a golden opportunity. I'll help anyone who wants to try.

Rather than apply to me - as that gets too confusing - lets use as a test base the post Mistress Milliscent published last July:
"I am currently seeking a housebitch to serve and pamper me. A person capable of finding joy and fulfillment in sublimating his or her own wants, needs, and desires in favor of mine. A person capable of thriving in a strictly controlled and disciplined environment.

"The successful applicant would find me to be sadistic, cruel, selfish, and controlling in my use of him or her. The successful applicant would also however find me to be fun, caring, and loving. It would be twisted indeed"
So: what you send me, Ms160, will be an letter addressed to Mistress Milliscent. It's okay, Mistress Milliscent does not expect your letters to be passed on to her (unless you'd like to really apply, in which case send your letter to her direct). This is a test ONLY.

However, that still means that you need to do your homework about Mistress Milliscent, so that you have enough info to make your test letter credible. You'll need to visit her site, her blog etc. Obviously most of you will not be close enough geographically to apply for a real time position, so pretend you are about to move to Seattle.... remember you need to be convincing re how much you want this position.

Either include your letter in a comment at the end of this post or via a private message at FetishLore or MyDungeonSpace, or leave a comment with an email address where I can reach you, if you'd prefer your letter to be looked at privately.

Good luck!

See you in part 5, when we'll look at:
  • how to cope with the waiting (to hear back from dominants)
  • reasons for rejection
  • when to have a break from searching
  • seeking a professional dominant
  • how to reply when dominants write back
  • how to respond when a dominant initiates contact with you
  • online resources

Thank You's for the
Contacting Dominants series:

While all BDSM For Beginners posts are collaborative efforts,
this series was especially so. Sincere thanks as always to everyone
who contacted me with experiences and ideas,
as well as:

Mistress Milliscent , Lady Myles
Mistress Matisse, Elizabeth Eileen,
Richard Evans Lee Mrs Claudia
Mistress Tich
Master Joe's kim
and friends at:

(Quesera, switch, Ms Reciprocity, Tom Allen,
JustMiss, may may, roo-roo and quietlisten),

FSSP (here's your "more fame, oh yay" credit, CarrieAnn!)
CollarMe (MistressKay, Stef,
(Miss Bonnie and Miss Bitch)
and MyDungeonSpace
(sweet_bits, billc393, lei_da
tacit, myraanken, pickin_grinnin ,
Vic, skyey, LadyUrsa, underwhere, Flaming_Redhead
and last but never least, lol: MinofSin)

ghost's typewriter
by ~cela-me-va-bien on deviantART