BDSM for Beginners (part 9: aftercare for switches)

First published on Mistress160's Abode: 2007

(this post is for Nikita)

Toy Box by ~
danielhinds on deviantART

"I switch therefore I am"
(Ruby)

"switching is like having your
cake and eating it too"
(Nikita)

This is the third post in my BDSM for Beginners educational series about aftercare. The first explored aftercare and subdrop for submissives. The second examined aftercare, "drop" and top guilt issues for dominants. The next and final post will provide instructions for emergency self aftercare. This post focuses on switching and addresses the following readers' questions:

• Do switches experience both types of 'drop'?
• Does "drop" worsen when switching occurs over a short time period?
• What about switching online?
  
• Practical aftercare issues
  
• Advice for newbie switches on "drop", guilt and aftercare

A LITTLE BACKGROUND ABOUT SWITCHES

"There are always people who mistake their
own experiences for the way it is for everyone"
(Lord Saber)

"I just HAVE to do it"
(Wolffie)

"its wanting to learn and experience
from both sides ... I live ... to live"
(mont202)

As switching (being both Dominant and submissive) is an important subject for newbies - many of whom may find themselves to be switches - I will cover the topic separately in another BDSM for Beginners post. Here's a little background to whet your appetite.

Wikipedia defines a switch as:

"Someone who participates in BDSM activities sometimes as a top and other times as a bottom or (in the case of domination and submission) sometimes as a dominant and other times as a submissive.

"Switches are very common; partners may switch roles based on mood, desire, or to allow each partner to experience their preferred activity. For example, a switch may be in a relationship with someone of the same primary BDSM orientation (e.g., two dominants), so switching provides each partner with an opportunity to realize his or her BDSM needs.

"It is also common for people to switch with different partners, such as when a person acts exclusively as a top with one partner and exclusively as a bottom with another"

Squirt confirms the latter: "the dividing line has become crystal clear for me - i am always and completely submissive to my Mistress. In any other situation submission does not apply". His Lovely Rose ("I am submissive to [my Sir], to all others, I am Dominant") and many others share similar dynamics. For these people the term switch is confusing, because, like Saffron they:

"Don't even understand the "switch" thing since I don't consider it switching. I am who I am with people. Noone has to wonder "is she a Domme today or a sub?" I am always the person that I am. It is the individual relationships that may be different, but the relationships are consistent".

For others, argues Icky, the metaphor of a switch is more apt:

"Not only because we tend to switch back and forth to varying degrees, but because, like a light switch, there are two different, discrete, and identifiable positions. No one is likely to mistrust a light bulb's luminance because it vacillates between being on and off. The same is true with a BDSM switch. When I am sub, I am sub, 100%, balls to the wall. It is who I am and I feel it fully and without any sense or need to dominate, turn the tables or control the scene.

"When I Dom, I am the same. In fact, I find that knowing the "other side" helps me do a better job of exploring each. When I sub, I do not identify with the Domme, I don't wish I was in her position or question how she Dommes. I do, however, draw on how it feels to have that rush of power, control, and desire when I see another submit to me. And I want to give her that rush, I want it to be my gift to her. Not to control it, but to offer it fully".

Some (like satyrblade) find the term:

"Too limited a word for what I like. For me, a ferocious exchange of power, pain and pleasure is essential. "Switch" is just shorthand for something deeper. But then again, aren't all such terms?"

So, what makes switches "switch"?

Like anything in BDSM, it's highly personal. For some, switching is a learning experience, as Mont202 and Jadetiger observe:

"It's wanting to learn and experience from both sides ... I live ... to live"

"It is all about exploring, learning and growing as an individual. Being a switch fulfills that need in me. It allows me to go where ever my mind and body can take me"

Pet has discovered:

"With a regular partner, switching is a way to SHOW them what I like and what I don't - it teaches them how to dominate me and through their domination, I learn their likes and interests - it seems to create a better overall experience in play"

while Mistress Matisse muses:

"How will you know what you like if you don't try new things? When I was just a little baby kinkster, I bottomed about as much as I topped"

For others like Wolffie switching is more a matter of internal wiring:

"I like to explore but switching does not come from "I wanted to explore department" or anything of the kind for me. I just HAVE to do it. I am 70/30 Dominant (meaning that I am more Dominant to some degree).

"But after a period of doming (anywhere from few days to few months) I will begin to feel the need to submit. Somehow I begin to see the world from sub view point. I do not have to switch but if I do not at least fantasize in a sub direction the need becomes insistent..."

To those parts of the kinky community who believe switches are simply people who can't make up their minds - and worse (we'll look at discrimination against switches in the BDSM for Beginners post on Switches) - Franklin Veaux argues:

"The idea that if you are "really" dominant you can't also be submissive, or vice-versa, rests on the fallacy that these two things are opposed to one another, rather than two facets of the same thing. It also denies the basic and observable fact that human beings--or rather, some human beings--are complex, multi-dimensional creatures capable of a startling array of different emotional and philosophical responses...

"At the end of the day, the fact still remains that not everyone has an identity or a role which is so cut and dried. Many people (I suspect most people) who practice BDSM are capable of doing so from more than one direction. And that's a feature, not a bug"

He's absolutely right: switches are definately NOT bugs! You can understand now a little of the unique position switches find themselves in, in regard to issues like subdrop and domdrop.

SWITCH "DROP"

"I don't think I've experienced drop
on the Top side of the equation"
(siannyn)

"the intense concentration and control I
exert during a scene does cause domdrop"
(Nikita)

Aftercare, you will recall from the earlier posts on this subject, is defined by Wikipedia as:

"The process of attending to an s-type (submissive, slave, bottom, etc) after intense activities of a physical, and/or psychological nature relating to BDSM activities".

We discussed in my last post how definitions like this were in part responsible for domdrop (experienced by dominants post play) and aftercare for dominants remaining unacknowledged by many members in the kinky community. Well, believe me, lol, there is even less published about how switches deal with "drop".

This is rather strange because when you think about it, switches provide a unique study group: they experience both types of "drop" - being in a position to experience both dominant and submissive psychological and physical extremes - and can compare those experiences. The results could be very insightful indeed, on the whole issue of "drop". It's a fascinating thought and it would be great if someone did some serious research on it.

Of course many switches - as with many subs and Dom/mes - don't experience 'drop' at all. Others only experience "drop" on one side (usually when in a submissive state) as siannyn encountered:

"I don't think I've experienced drop on the Top side of the equation ... I feel in control of, and consequently responsible for my bottom(s)"

Those who do experience dual "drop" often report on how different their experiences are. Wolffie writes:

"There are similarities – it is very difficult to describe them as it is difficult to describable how it FEELS to be Dom or a sub. I do have drops. They certainly do not happen all the time and I know that my drops are not as intensive as with some other people.

"Dom drops are less intensive. Common characteristics would be exhaustion (physical and emotional) coupled with feeling of charge. Those things do not necessarily take sway at the same time and they do not cancel out. I can be physically exhausted from domming even from on line play"

Dominmd has documented experiencing a post endorphin rush which extended some days after play, leaving him feeling:

"A very perceptable almost physical emptiness that seemed to border almost on the spiritual side of consciousness ... completely different from the subspace and sub drop I have experienced to date"

For Janiceleeinsc "sub space ... was like a crazy high without medication. It dropped slowly for me. The domdrop is much quicker and intense" while sensualips found:

"After bottoming I get more of needy or lonely feeling. I want the top to get with me, let me know all is well, connect ... I also tend to get a little preoccupied with soreness or marks ... After topping it is more of an empty let-down feeling plus some anxiety over his/her physical or emotional state. I deal with it by connecting with the bottom, reflecting, getting feedback, etc."

Nikita (Wolffie's switch partner and author of "Tales from the Whipping Post") wrote to me:

"The intense concentration and control I exert during a scene does cause domdrop in the form of fatigue that extends from a few days to weeks...

"Top drop is tricky to deal with. When I'm in it, I can't tell you much about it as I am so focused on the sub. But, I feel guilt, slight depression, and the need to be alone or send my mind on vacation. Does it sound familiar? IMO, I don't think there's been enough discussion on top drop".

I agree. Let's examine now how switches deal with "drop" and aftercare, and whether any switch health issues specifically link to these topics.

AFTERCARE FOR SWITCHES

"I can be physically exhausted from
domming even from on line play"
(Wolffie)

"I experienced both a need to be held
and then a need to be alone"
(siannyn)

Franklin Veaux writes in his article What's with switching, anyway?:

"One can easily argue that by exploring both roles, and being familiar with the headspace and psychological experience of both dominance and submission, a person can get a better grasp of the dynamic of power exchange - better, in fact, than the person who is familiar only with one part of it."

The same argument may be applied to a switch's understanding and experiences of "drop" and aftercare.

"Balancing Acts"

(taking care with switch duality)

Obviously switches have a great deal in common with everyone else regarding aftercare requirements. However there are a few health issues specific to switches, such as the way a switch's dual nature requires a certain internal balance / harmony. rhia explains:

"For me being a switch is a balancing act. My body, and mind will crave to be one way or another. Or the situation may push me in one direction or the other. However, I hit a certain point that if I've been Topping too much, or have been submissive a lot, that I will have to be my other side or I feel unbalanced. I start to literally feel like I'm missing part of myself, which I've come to discover is awesome for me."

Switch duality - with its inbuilt awareness to both the highs and lows of BDSM play - also has the side effect of making switches especially aware of the importance of aftercare. It's very common for switches to define their experiences of post play domdrop in terms of their interaction with their sub (sensualips noting:

"After topping it is more of an empty let-down feeling plus some anxiety over his/her physical or emotional state. I deal with it by connecting with the bottom, reflecting, getting feedback, etc")

while others believe they don't experience domdrop because of that interaction and focus (siannyn writes:

"I don't think I've experienced drop on the Top side of the equation .... I feel in control of, and consequently responsible for my bottom(s). Aftercare for me as a Domme basically equates to caring for my sub(s)")

The interesting question here is whether the intense focus during play followed by equally focused aftercare interaction with the sub actually NEGATES "drop", or whether it simply delays it. Certainly some switches report experiencing delayed aftershocks. Others ( like Nikita) are aware they experience "drop" but find themselves unable to describe it because of aftercare interaction:

" When I'm in [top drop], I can't tell you much about it as I am so focused on the sub.

"The intense concentration and control I exert during a scene does cause domdrop in the form of fatigue that extends from a few days to weeks. At these times, I'm also more tuned into the drop in my submissive"

That last line is very important - it's another example of the tremendous usefulness of switch duality and experience: being able to recognize "drop" in your play partner because you are intrinsically familiar with the sensations. Nikita confirms this:

"Likewise, as a sub, even the drop phase, I am attuned to my dominant and can read if he's experiencing domdrop. Why? I imagine it's the duality of roles and sensitive anticipation we develop".

I asked how Nikita how she handled aftercare in her dominant persona: "I give tasks, take a break, and do something outside of my daily routine". And in submissive mode? "I ask my dominant to give me a break for several days or so". Does "drop" have an effect on when switches switched roles, I wondered? "We tend to need [a break] at the same time. If we are both in heavy drop, we tend to stop for a week or two, then switch roles if we are so inclined".

"Rebuilding Defences"
(aftercare requirements)

Switch duality also commonly manifests in switch aftercare requirements. For Wolffie:

"After care can be anything from cuddling to just being left alone. Sometimes I just need to do something else immediately (if I can). Dom ‘drop’ can take the form of burn out. But not for long..."

siannyn discovered similar requirements:

"I've experienced subdrop after coming out of a particularly intense scene with a Dom friend of mine. I don't know if it's because I'm switchy or not, but I experienced both a need to be held, and then a need to be alone in rapid succession.

"At first, I needed the cuddling and reassurance that my Top was with me and taking care of me. But very shortly after that, I needed to go away and be alone in order to feel like I was "putting myself back together." It was almost as if I had to rebuild the defenses that I had let him break through during the scene"

This idea of rebuilding defences is a very interesting one - it suggests possible internal conflicts that I've encountered myself - and something I'd like to talk to other switches about. siannyn also notes about the scene above:

"As I said, he was a very good friend of mine and one that I obviously trusted a great deal, but this was just a scene, not a relationship, so I don't know if my drop experience would be different within the context of a committed relationship"

This raises other interesting questions, such as how switch couples in longterm relationships interact and cope with "drop" and aftercare, and how often switches seek out other switches for play.

"Switches For Switches"
(taking care with play partners)

While all kinksters manage vanilla and kinky lives, it's quite common to meet switches who intricately juggle a variety of relationships, including primary partners, various play partners and "switch partners". Many switches agree that the best partner for a switch is ... a switch. Why? It goes back to those percentages Wolffie mentioned. Remember he described himself as being "70/30 Dominant (meaning that I am more Dominant to some degree)"? Maitre Pierre explains:

"Often a switch will refer to themselves like this example: submissive 90% of the time and Dominant 10%. So if this switch could find a partner who is a switch too for the same example; submissive 10% and Dominant 90%, this would be a match made in heaven!"

Finding the "perfect" corresponding switch partner increases switch compatability. While the possibility of "drop" and the need for aftercare are related more to the intensity of play, one wonders whether the chances of "drop" increase if the switch is unable to find that "perfect" play partner match. It would be interesting to have the research to link the % of "drop" with the % of play partner compatability.

"Getting Stuck"
(taking care to alternate roles)

Another switch health issue - which impacts on "drop" and aftercare - relates to play party behaviour. Some switches, according to Maitre Pierre, switch at play parties:

"Because they cannot find a partner, [they] switch among themselves, so they could play. We have seen subs switching with each other because they could not find a suitable Dom".

Other switches stay with the role they have come to be identified with publicly, a trend that has also been observed by Nikita:

"Having observed switches topping and bottoming at the same play party, it was not that easy for them to switch out because once they performed in a role, they were perceived to be only in that role. Therefore, more often than not, the dominant switches remained in control of themselves while submitting. i.e. not fully submitting".

The side effects of this sort of behaviour are obviously not going to be very healthy. Mistress Steel elaborates:

"Choosing or naming yourself something that does not fully address your reality is a recipe for future problems and extensive personal grief. If you attempt to 'force' yourself into 'performing' as just one side or the other then a part of your self will remain unaddressed. Eventually this can ... be enormously destructive..."

"Maintenance of good mental and physical health are essential in preventing these types of destructive events. This is done through healthy choices. It is all about keeping a balance, addressing all sides and attempting to neglect or ignore nothing. Being honest about your needs is essential".

Again: balance. So important for a switch's health. And so important for switches and their play partners to take into consideration in regard to before scene care as well as aftercare. But what other ways can we suggest to create a confident, healthy switch as well as counter "drop"? parttimeswitch suggests another interesting solution:

"I don't experience drop. On the sub side this is probably because I'm not very submissive ... On the dom side I've only played with men who like to finish with orgasm. The obvious up at the end seems to prevent drop"

Anyone out there interested in researching that further?!

"Transition Blues"
(taking care re fast switches)

The transition process is an extremely personal - and often complex - process, one Mistress Steel describes as:

"In many ways it can feel like moving from bright daylight into total darkness, everything needs to adjust. Adjustment takes time. And, being able to shift back at will doesn't come instinctively or easily for many people. This is especially true if a person has denied freedom for their Switch side for a long time due to attempts to 'fit' into one of the more acceptable roles".

We've talked about what happens if a switch stays within a publicly "enforced" role. But what happens in cases where switching occurs quickly?

[BDSM resource detour: want to
take part in a discussion about
switch transitions? Click here]

Does the possibilties of "drop" increase? I questioned Nikita about the practicalities of coping when switches "switched" during the same play party:

"I think coping is directly related to how intense the play session was. However, your question infers there might be an imbalance in the power dynamics within the switch himself. That is something to consider. Having observed switches topping and bottoming at the same play party, it was not that easy for them to switch out because once they performed in a role, they were perceived to be only in that role. Therefore, more often than not, the dominant switches remained in control of themselves while submitting. i.e. not fully submitting.

"Having been in that situation, it was difficult for me to just having participated in intense S/m, then turning around to administer some paddling, flogging, etc. It was too hard for me to focus on doing it properly and I stopped, handing the instruments over to someone who was in more control. I was flying too high to be doing any topping at that time.

"In summary, observing the others, I noted they tended to stay in one role, thereby coping with only one set of feelings. Having been in the unique position of being on both sides of the paddle, I had to give up one in order to cope with being the other"

Nikita shows her experience of her own bodily needs in being aware that domming was impossible - "I was flying too high to be doing any topping at that time" . Imagine for a moment the type of "drop" she might have experienced, and the kind of intensive aftercare she would have required, if she had continued to play. Sometimes it's very difficult to stop, because you don't want to let down other players. But the personal cost of a quick transition (= increased "drop"+ increased aftercare) can be high, as Saffron discovered:

"When I am on the bottom in a scene, then I feel high, drugged, confused a bit, that sortof thing. They are very different experiences. And of course they aren't occurring at the same time.

"However ... as a switch who has a Master and a slave, I have found that when I am out with the two of them at a play event and I play with both of them - first for instance I might Top my slave and then a half hour or so later I might be up on the cross with my Master ... well I find that I "snap out" of that high quickly when the scene ends. I think because in the back of my mind I feel a responsibility for my slavehubby ... I quickly pop out of that drugged feeling in order to check on him and feel in control.

"This can lead later to a bigger "drop" for me when I finally get away from that situation - whether at home with my Master or in bed alone or whatever, I'm more liable to be twitchy or weepy or needy then"

Saffron's experience confirms a need for switches to be familiar with self aftercare techniques - something that might also be necessary when alone after online play.

What's important is the fact that actual transition (the switching from one role to another) becomes a part of the ongoing process of care - a good transition is as essential as good aftercare. Mistress Steel writes:

"Learning how to move easily and comfortably between both roles takes time, a sense of personal understanding, emotional security, and a lack of fear in how either side will be viewed and interacted with by those who are important in the individual's life".

Virtual Aftercare

Wolffie is 100% right to observe that people "can be physically exhausted from domming even from on line play". Online switch partners also face the same problem as other kinksters - that when a powerful scene finishes, they find themselves alone. Nikita writes:

"Online with Wolffie, I play both roles. When the scene is especially profound/intensive, we both want to curl up in each other's arms as doms/subs after scening with respect to our roles...

"The mind is a very powerful D/s playground. Just when one climbs up to the top and feels the accomplishment, euphoria, and kudos, the trip down is anti-climatic"

What to do? For a start you can read more about Virtual Aftercare in the first post in this series. Secondly, awareness of your own aftercare requirements is essential. Finally, it's important to know how to implement those aftercare requirements, so don't forget to read the next post in this series, which will provide emergency self aftercare instructions.

Now, let's look at some practicalities for newbie switches...

ADVICE ON 'DROP' / AFTERCARE
FOR NEWBIE SWITCHES

Okay, so you've decided you're a switch. Congratulations, you are going to have double the fun! And possibly double the trouble, lol...

Some good starting points to keep in mind re "drop" and aftercare:

• read some of the articles in the Reference list at the bottom of the post (especially Chris M and Midori) which include articles on subspace, subdrop, domdrop, switches, etc. You might also like to join in some of the current forum discussions on switches (links provided at the end of the Reference list)
  

• familiarize yourself with the other posts in this series on 'drop' and aftercare for submissives and dominants, as both are relevant to you
  

• familiarize yourself with the "Aftercare Practicalities" section in the first post (which covers working out your aftercare needs, ways to inform your play partner of them, and how to assemble an aftercare kit, etc)

• remember: you will not only need to keep two BDSM checklists (examples by Mistress Crystal here) but two aftercare requirement lists as well. For God's sake don't give play partners the wrong list during pre scene negotiations!

• when you are Domming another switch, remember to discuss their aftercare requirements especially carefully in your pre scene negotiations

• think about the reason you identify as a switch. Is it a case of internal wiring or more a desire to explore both dominance and submission? This may influence how you experience "drop" - if it's a case of internal wiring you need to be aware of keeping your dual BDSM natures balanced. Talk to other switches about this, listen to the lessons they've learned

• I'm just going to repeat that bit about balance because it's important: maintaining balance is vital to a switch's health
  

• during play: if you have already experienced either subdrop or domdrop, there is a good chance you will experience the other type. They may have very different symptoms. Make sure you write down how you feel after play, both sub and top. Check how your experiences differ and adapt your aftercare requirements accordingly
  

• keep in mind you may experience worse than usual drop if you "switch" in quick succession (ie, at a play party) so adapt your aftercare requirments accordingly
  

• don't forget aftercare may be required after online play (read up on Virtual Aftercare in the first post in this series)

• after play: short term: watch out for: 1) symptoms of subdrop; 2) domdrop + top guilt (see second post in this series); 3) getting typecast into only one role in public - don't forget BOTH your dominant and submissive sides need expression
  

• after play: long term: watch out for: 1) symptoms of Mistress / Dom fatigue (see second post in this series); 2) getting typecast into only one role in public

• you never know when self aftercare may be required so read up on this and keep a link to the next part of this series (emergency instructions for self aftercare) handy
  

A(NOTHER) FINAL WORD:

"Thank you Mistress160, for an excellent article on switches and their aftercare. There is not enough relevant, not to mention, practical information out on the net on this topic. Your writing style and the overall format of your blog invites the reader to explore more and more"

(Nikita)

"Thank you for these wonderful articles, I've learnt so much from these ... your article on switchdrop opened my eyes to a lot about how and why I react different ways on different sides"

(snarkly)

I'm so glad that these articles have been helpful to people. More than I can say. Nikita is right when she points out how little information on switches is available. Let's hope someone soon will seriously research issues such as switch health and switch "drop". Until then, I'd love to hear from anyone who would like their experiences included in this post.

As to aftercare: as I wrote in the other posts in this aftercare series, while the warnings in these posts may sound a bit dire - they describe situations you may never have to face - it's important to know what to do if/when BDSM problems occur. Which is what this BDSM for Beginners series is all about.

My last few lines here are to remind you that aftercare is usually a wonderful experience. A time to draw close to the person who has given you such intense pleasure, to affirm together the extraordinary experience you just created together - a time (as parttimeswitch describes) of "hazy sweetness while all my nerve endings are still singing".

To quote Chris M, "I wish for you to explore it and revel in its languid joys..."

OTHER POSTS IN THIS SERIES:
BDSM for Beginners (part 7: aftercare for submissives)
BDSM for Beginners (part 8: aftercare for dominants)
BDSM for Beginners (part 10: emergency self aftercare - instructions)
BDSM for Beginners (part 13: switching)

REFERENCES:
cc Before, During and After care
Chris M Aftercare
Female Artists of Domination The Endorphin Levels in BDSM: a short primer on sending a subbie into hyperspace
Fetish Diva Midori Aftercare - Healing Better to Play Harder
Franklin Veaux What's with switching, anyway?
Icky "Flipping the Switch: Exploring the Middle Ground in BDSM Play" (republished on this MDS thread)
Jersey Girl Aftercare
Lord Saber Switches and BDSM
Maitre Pierre D/s lifestyle - switching
MasterMono Subspace and Subspace Drop
Miss Bonnie - Aftercare
Mistress Steel Aftercare , Dominant Drop Sub Rebound and The Switch
Mrs Claudia Domme Guilt: when something goes wrong (post: 5 June 2007)
Ooooohhhhyesss Sub physiology: aftercare and sub drop
RavenMuse Reclaiming our morality (on domdrop and top guilt)
Richard Evans Lee Aftercare 31 jan 06
Sensual Sadist Aftercare for the dominant
Wikipedia - May 2007 entries on subdrop, aftercare switch

You can join ongoing switch discussions with Mistress160, Nikita and others quoted here, on:

• aftercare for switches: on FetishLore (here) and MyDungeonSpace (here) forums
• what makes a switch a switch: on MDS here
  
• prejudice in the BDSM community against switches: on MDS here
• switch transition process: on MDS here
• coming out as a switch: on tribe here
  

(not a member of MDS? Join here)

For the BDSM for Beginners: Aftercare series

Many thanks to:
Nikita, elise, WickedAngel, Carrie Ann, cyndi, aria and
other members of FemSubStartingPlace,
Wolffie, Siannyn, Torvea, TWs_MsSquirt, Satyrblade, Icky,
mont2002, Jadetiger, Pet + Saffron (all from MyDungeonSpace)
Lavender Scorpion, Miss Bonnie + parttimeswitch (FetishLore)
Richard (DownOnMyKnees) + Alexandra (Sensual Sadist)
Mrs Claudia (Starting a Femdom Marriage)
who all kindly contributed their thoughts and advice to this series,
and to the many other kinksters who wrote of their
experiences on the internet

Photos:
Top: danielhinds on deviantART
Others: provenances unknown
checking deviantART
(details of titles / photographers
would be sincerely appreciated)