Part 12: How to find and contact a Dominant: about you

Sonnets - Unrealities XI
by ~elided on deviantART

"There are a lot of men who wish to be submissive and
relatively few women making it known that they’re
looking for such men. Whether there are just fewer
kinky women overall is a debatable point, but there are
definitely fewer personally advertising themselves as such.
Thus, it’s a buyer’s market for dominant straight women"
Mistress Matisse, 24 August 2007
From The Inbox series

How to meet someone (for the first time,
second time, third time, or Xth time)...

Be yourself Be patient Be honest Be patient
Be truthful Be patient Be patient Be open
Be patient and did i say Be patient?

This is the first post in my BDSM For Beginners educational series on how to contact dominants. If you are new to this series, please read the Introduction first.

In this post we are going to look at:

• what you want (from BDSM)
  
• getting beyond dominant stereotypes and meaningless validation
• online safety
  
• what dominants want
• what you want (from a dominant)

Don't tell me these points don't have anything to do with contacting dominants, they have EVERYTHING to do with contacting them, lol. Helping you see that link is what this series is all about. And the way we do that is to give you your first challenge: working out what YOU want.

What you want:

So you've worked out that you are a submissive. You've begun to feel comfortable amongst the kinky communities where you interact online. You played casually in the chat rooms, and are perhaps even thinking about attending some local BDSM events, or have done so. And one thought constantly runs through your mind: you want a partner who shares your kinky desires ... and of course being a submissive, you dream of offering yourself body and soul to a dominant, someone who knows your secret and true self ...

Now if you are a female sub, things aren't too bad. You know from your friends if you put an "I'm available" sign out, that you'll probably attract some Doms. As sweet_bits points out, it might take a while to sort the gold from the dross, but at least the initial contact is usually made by them. But what if you want to find your perfect partner yourself?

And what about if you are a male sub? You've heard the other boys talk in the chat rooms, some people say the male sub / female dominant ration is worse than 30: 1, you are sure you don't have a chance for a female dominant partner. As Zonk whimsically observes, such sightings are so rare that:

"in the case of the female dominant, you handle it much as you would handle happening upon a unicorn while hiking in the woods. You document where and when you saw this extremely rare specimen"

It's probably better not to approach them anyway, after all you're not exactly sure what a D/s relationship even means...

Well, BDSM and D/s relationships are like any others. They require trust, common interests, compatibility, respect, and more trust. "Whether vanilla or kink", writes Lady Kay, "we still need these same basic things:

1. Chemistry (this is the one thing we have NO control over, it's either there or it isn't)

2. Mutual interests (differences are good, but if you don't have enough mutual interests then you don't have a starting point)

3. Similar morals (if one has strong moral beliefs and the other doesn't in the end it wont work - honesty & integrity levels are directly connected to morals)

4. Compatible lifestyles (this is more important than one would think)

5. Compatible intelligence (do you really want someone you have constantly educate and they never get it or someone who talks down to you - this needs to be level)

6. Ease of communication (without communication there can be no relationship)

"The only difference we have as kinksters is that we want an added layer of intimacy that involves a specific list of activities. I don't need any one specific activity to be happy with my partner - but the option of exploring many diverse kinky things is what keeps our relationship fresh and exciting"

If one of those diverse kinky things is Femdom, Richard Evans Lee provides a great list in his 5 Essentials of Femdom Relationships: "honor, clarity , empathy , expressiveness and playfulness".

But as in any relationship, you need to figure out your own desires and needs, before you go searching for a kinky partner. Miria Hunter refers to this as Preparing the Gift for Giving:

"The wait for that special Dominant can be very frustrating, and at times, you may want to rush and grab the first one who seems interested in you, just so you have the security of that collar.

"Such a rushed decision is not fair to you or to the Dominant. You both deserve the very best. While searching and waiting for a [Dom/me] is the perfect time to prepare your gift and make it the best you truly have to offer"

Remember what I said in the introduction to this series? About your journey (towards finding a dominant) being as important as it's goal? So use this great opportunity to learn more about BDSM. It's Back to BDSM School time...

For a start, have a look at the first post in this BDSM For Beginners series and check out some of the books suggested there. Then read some of the invaluable articles in the online resources list at the bottom of this post.

When you head over to Amazon.com, check out Karen Martin's recently published "How to capture a Mistress", which has received good reviews - this book will be especially useful if you are interested in exploring polyamorous D/s relationships, as Martin addresses this in some detail.

Karen Martin also gives workshops on this topic. Depending on your location, think about attending one, or workshops like EduKink's Kinky Dating Class in San Francisco (part of their Newcomers Series) or Galleria Domain Two's "Find the Domme of your dreams" workshop in Chicago. Even less specific BDSM workshops are good to attend. Learning more about BDSM and D/s means you can identify both what you want for yourself, and what you can offer your dominant.

"One of the fastest ways to fail in this lifestyle is to try to be someone or something you are not. So please, in preparing your gift, do so with honesty and respect to yourself", writes Miria Hunter, and CarrieAnn echoes this:

"get to know yourself and what you're looking for before you go putting yourself out there as available ... be sure of what you ARE before you put that label on. If you say you're a slave or a submissive, BE ONE - don't be a bottom out there looking for kinky sex. You're never going to meet the right match by mislabeling yourself and misleading potential partners "

Marquise agrees:

"there is nothing more soul destroying for a Dom/me than to get involved with [someone] who ultimately ends the relationship because they can't reconcile those conflicts. More commonly, men who define themselves as submissives (or slaves) are actually bottoms. They want kinky sex, but do not want the power exchange element of the lifestyle relationship"

NEVER overstate your experience. Don't forget Ms Margo's story:

"I saw a submissive at a play party tell a serious Dominant that he liked heavy pain and she took him at his word. They agreed to play and he called safeword after the second stroke. She immediately asked what was wrong and he said, "That hurt!" She reminded him that he had said that he liked pain and his reply was that he didn't realize it would hurt so much in real life! As funny as the story is, no one would play with him again".

If you don't have much experience (and by the way, this is not a negative - in fact, some dominants prefer it in their subs) write down on your list examples of your fantasies, or scenes you have liked in films or porn. You can even write a scene you think you would like to try. These will give your potential dominant further insight into what pushes your buttons.

Master Eso provides a few steps in his article The Process of Selection that might help you get organized:

1. Be aware of your own desires, needs and dreams and write them down
2. Make a list of characteristics, values, principles and conditions that you consider most important in a [Dom/me]
3. Make a list of characteristics and conditions that you consider undesirable in a [Dom/me]
4. Write down possible scenarios of a [Dom/me] slave or sub commitment, that would be acceptable or desirable to you
5. Be aware and write down what you have or can offer a [Dom/me]
6. Take the most important points from the previous lists, and write them together as a summary

"The summary should now honestly reflect exactly who you are, what your desires, needs and dreams are, and what kind of commitment and [Dom/me] you are looking for"

This is useful when discussing partner matching issues and possibilities. Are you both looking for an exclusive relationship, or an open one? One partner or many? A casual play partner, or committed? Online or real time? Do you both want sex to be a part of your kinky relationship, and if so do you share sexual preferences? What sort of kinky activities push your buttons? These things will become vital when its' time to see if your own interests complement those of the dominant you are interested in.

What if your D/s and SM interest levels don't match? Tamar Kay developed her Need and Desire Scale to help people rate those interest levels:

• Category 0: No interest or enjoyment of D/s or SM. Also described as "vanilla"

• Category 1: Enjoys D/s and/or SM activities as an addition to other sexual activities, as part of a repertoire. Could make do without such activities without feeling loss

• Category 2: Enjoys D/s and/or SM activities as a major component of sex and would be unhappy to be without these activities

• Category 3: Requires D/s and/or SM activities in order to be sexually fulfilled, such activities and/or perspectives being defining factors in their lives. These are often (but not always) those who will say they are at the "lifestyle" end of the spectrum

"You might ask yourself which category you best fit into. If you meet someone you're interested in, you may also want to ask them. Mismatched interest levels can lead to problems. For example, a category three is unlikely to feel fulfilled in a monogamous relationship with a category one"

All these ideas are helpful, but keep in mind CarrieAnn's advice:

"Realize you need to be flexible.

"Much of the time, in order to have your specific needs/kinks/fetishes/desires met you need to compromise and be willing to meet the needs of your partner/potential partner too. It's not a "to do" list that someone has to follow and if you expect a perfect match or every desire met it's going to take a LONG time to meet someone"

One other thing you might like to keep in mind if you are currently searching for a life partner as well as a D/s partner:

"once you are involved in an online relationship you will almost certainly focus on that rather than on finding a real life partner. ... people all too often fall into the trap of thinking that they can convert their online relationship into real life without considering the practicalities of

• a) moving hundreds of miles away from friends and family to be with a partner they hardly know and
  
• b) making the relationship work once they get there. I know some people do manage it, but the fact is chat room relationships rarely turn into successful real life ones.

"If you're serious about finding a real life partner concentrate on that rather than on cyber sex ... A better way to find that perfect Dom or sub, is to hook into the local 'scene' (there's bound to be one) ... "

Miss Bonnie reconfirms this:

"if you find you are constantly finding Miss Right 3000 miles away, you are probably subconsciously preventing yourself from committing fully with a relationship that is realistically viable"

Homework time:

Time to stop, get coffee and a pen and paper, go back and reread above and put those lists together.

You really need to put some time / effort into this. It provides the groundwork for the rest of these posts. If you don't do these exercises, you'll probably not get the result you want out of this BDSM For Beginners series.

Ready to move on? Let's explore

What you are looking for in a dominant:

"there are more things to being a
Master/Mistress than being a dominant"
Jade

"I am -NOT- here to entertain you"
Lady Jadis

So you have your lists and your summary. Well done. I really mean that.

You feel you know yourself a little better, that you understand more what submission means. Now it's time to look at things from the other view point. To ask yourself what a potential partner might be most concerned with. The more you understand a potential partner's wants and needs, the better you'll be able to negotiate about and meet those needs. Because no dominant, "no matter how experienced or God-like can initially make the needed judgments better then the [submissive themselves]", says Master Eso:

"Once a [Dom/me] has been located who's service requirements match the desires and capabilities of the aspiring [submissive], they must now start the most important task, to examine the potential [Dom/me] values, principles, standards, morals, ethics and beliefs and contemplate in all seriousness if they truly can serve the [Dom/me], absolutely and unconditional.

"The importance of the examination of character and values of a potential Master cannot be overstated, as a slaves live, health and wellbeing, might very well depend upon it. A [Dom/me] values, character, principles, perceptions, etc. are therefore a must important consideration, as they do not change as easily as service requirements or kink"

.Asking what you should look for in a dominant is similar to asking what you should look for in any relationship. As Master Joe's sub kim points out in her article on what makes a good dominant:

"In reality the qualities are really attributed to the PERSON – by that i mean that a particular man (or woman) is a good Dominant because He or She possesses qualities that are the essence of a good person. A good person has qualities such as kindness and consideration, empathy and sympathy, politeness and respect of others, honesty and ethics, and probably many more that could be added to this list.

"It is those qualities which give a person the character, personality and skills to be good at anything he or she does, whether it be a career, family, or dominance – or submission for that matter"

In conclusion, writes kim:

"I can say that in my opinion, a good Dominant is the one who is looked up to by his peers and sought out by Dominants and submissives alike, for friendship, and advice. He is well respected and well liked due to his nature and personality, and gives much of himself to others. And he doesn’t have to blow his own trumpet!"

Jade's essay on looking for a dominant elaborates on kim's points, listing the following attributes of a "good dominant" (these are short extracts, it's definitely worth reading the whole article):

• Trustworthiness:
  

  "Number ONE on the list! A dominant who is not trustworthy is worthless as a master. How can you totally surrender to someone who does not give you a reason to trust them? A real measure of a dominant's trustworthiness is the way they deal with other people. ... Do they betray confidences that were given to them? ... He just might end up telling your deepest secrets to the next person who comes along"

• Confidence:
  

  "This quality is near the top of the list. Without confidence a dominant will never have the courage to take control of himself, let alone another human being. ... Confidence isn't measured by a swaggering gait, the snap of a crop or the biggest bag of toys in the local group. Boasting about his conquests and talents isn't much of an indication of confidence either, in fact this often shows a lack of it. A true measure will be seen in the way the lead their lives and conduct themselves in daily events"

• Self control:

  "A dominant must have mastery over himself or he will never be master of another. .... If you can't control YOU, then don't bother trying to control ME. Watch this one carefully subbies"

• Wisdom:

  "Another at the top of my list. Being smart is not the same as being wise ... A good dominant is a problem solver. He must solve the problems in the relationship, in his own associations and help you with yours.

• Honesty:

  "If there isn't honesty, there can't be trust. Without trust there is no D/s relationship..."

• Communication skills:
  

  "A great dominant must be a skillful communicator. Don't confuse communication with talking. A dominant that talks all the time, just to hear his own words is not communicating. He has to LISTEN to what's being said and to sort out the real meaning behind the words of his submissive. He also has to be able to express his wants and needs to his submissive in a way that she fully understands, not only the deed, but his motivation behind it..."

• Capacity to love:
  

  "Without a loving heart, a dominant is nothing more than a set of rules and a taskmaster..."

• Desire to teach:

  "A great master is a great teacher. That's part of the job, subbies. He's going to be teaching you for the duration of your relationship with him. Watch how he teaches. Does he have patience? Does he reward when a lesson is learned? Does he desire you to become all you can be? Is he willing to share his knowledge with you? One of the primary goals a dominant should have is creating an environment where his submissive can grow and develop emotionally and intellectually. He will be responsible for your welfare and should be nurturing that eager mind of yours as well as broadening your sexual repertoire"

• Compassion:
  

  "Without compassion a dominant is not a master, he is a bully. He must have the ability to feel and care for others, who may be weaker or less knowledgeable then he is. He will not chastise you for a failure. He will help you to overcome the obstacle. He will want the best for you and all others he comes in contact with. If he has no spirit of forgiveness or sympathy, you will always fear making a mistake. That fear will cause more mistakes than it prevents..."
  

• Sense of humor:

  "Being able to laugh is one of the things I see as one of the most important in a dominant and a relationship. A dominant that can't laugh at himself is too insecure..."

Sex and your dominant:

When you find a dominant who matches your interests - and catches your interest - don't forget to establish what their views on BDSM and sex are. As Domina points out in regard to female domination in particular:

"Female domination is often very different from the Variations Magazine stories. Many female dominants are into service and don’t have sex with submissives. Many will only have sex with submissives in an ongoing relationship after a long, trial period. Many female dominants are not into service, but are into SM only. Many are into service, and not into SM.

"You cannot treat these ladies as being interchangeable. Be very careful to read their ads. Be sure that what they are looking for is the same as what you are looking for"

We'll talk about where you find dominants - and how you can access information about them to establish things like character and values - in my next post. For now, keep in mind the issues Franklin Veaux raises for when you find a dominant that interests you:

"Don't go pledging your submission to someone until after you've determined that he or she is interested in you, and for God's sake, don't go pledging your submission to someone you don't even know, or to everyone you meet who seems the least bit interested in you. Dominants are people, not fantasy fulfillment objects...and every now and then, a person who calls himself a dominant isn't actually a dominant at all, but a predator who sees you as the prey, you know? Getting to know someone before you submit to him or her is a very good strategy to avoid becoming a statistic"

Speaking of online safety:

On the subject of online safety, if you are looking for more than a casual play partner you might like to check out Jade's article "D/s cyber relationships of the wrong kind":

"I'm in love with a wonderful Dom/me I met online but......" "I've met the sub of my dreams on IRC but...." Now there's a couple we hear pretty often. In this day of electronic communication we see a lot of online "dating and mating" going on. For some, it's the beginning of a real relationship that leads to real-life happiness. For others, it's the beginning of a real heartbreak..."

As well as providing examples of classic types to avoid online - "The Married But Not Happy Dom/sub", "The I Wanna Be Someone Else Dom/sub", "The Horny Net Geek Dom/sub" ("this loser is here for only one reason: fantasy sex") - Jade also provides useful examples of situations to avoid, including "Support Your Local Domme" and "Caught By the Hard Drive" (ie, when your play partner's spouse finds evidence in the computer of your relationship):

"you can avoid all these heartaches and agonies simply by thinking before you dive into the pool. See if there's really water in it and check for sharks"

Another good article on this is The Acid Test, which provides even more details categories, and sets out a series of "tests" to help identify fake dom/mes:

"Some of [tests] can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after 'easy sex' and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Dommes out there"

Some of these are a very good idea so I'm listing a few:

"Test #1: Don't waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he's not going to be fun to play with.

"Test #2: "You'd better call me Sir!" is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Doms don't have to ask for titles, we EARN them. Most real Doms will say things like "please, call me Mike" ...

"Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like "On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]" This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that's not even polite? There's a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn't online!

While I might disagree with the author on a few points (such a no real dominants appearing online, and that cyber collars are useless) I still recommend the article for it's other " tests".

Getting beyond stereotypes
(or "I'm looking for that Dominatrix I saw in Variations when I was 16")

"you have to understand that this is going to be
a looooooong process. You’re trying to find someone
to fit a very narrow set of specifications,
and you can’t just order her up from Nordstrom"
Mistress Matisse, 24 August 2007
The Inbox series

Those are wise words from Mistress Matisse.

I want to discuss two final things with you today, relating to the important need to remain grounded in reality during your search for a dominant. They may seem trivial to you but both will greatly impact on how you choose a dominant to contact, and how you contact them.

First: your search will be considerably longer if you have unrealistically high expectations. Male subs, especially, need to put aside BDSM dominatrix stereotypical imagery and a desire for beauty, and focus on personality and skills, as pickin_grinnin points out:

"You may have to examine your "must haves," too, and whittle them down to the truly important ones. The chances of finding a slim, highly attractive person who matches up to all of your kinks and falls within a restrictive age range are low. Expand the age range, and you have more options. Expand the acceptable body shapes, and you get more"

Ms Margo also makes an important point when she writes:

"Real dominant women will not be like the women you see in the magazines. We are not just dying for a chance to Dom you or anyone else. We do not want you to drop to your knees and worship us NOW! (for $3.65 a minute). Actually, we usually couldn't care less about what you demand that we do. If you approach a Dominant woman with a "What can you do for me?" attitude, you're going to be laughed at"

Yes, and you are going to have your further attempts at communication ignored. But sadly, most people who write to dominants have this "what can you do for me" attitude in mind. It doesn't work. Here's Akasha's thoughts on why many femdoms have trouble finding a sub:

1. [Submissives] don't care much about the entire woman or compatibility. Too much focus on kink only.
2. They seem to just be looking for someone to satisfy their kinky dreams, sometimes at the exclusion of what the femdom's own interests are.

"Ironic a little, because I think those subs that look for KINK first, woman second, are the ones griping about money dommes. Of course, the only femdom that is going to put a man's kinky desires at the top of the list and do the pleasing is one that does it for cash.

"It seems that subs who really want a femdom relationship have to first accept that it isn't going to happen quickly; don't expect to meet, play, have your mind blown. Instead, expect to talk, date, court, develop a connection and then explore mutual ideas"

Avoiding Domme fantasy worship / abuse:

An interesting thing results when you mix years worth of male fantasies with cyber space. We dominant women seem to disappear as individuals.

We become the object of mass male fantasy projection, subjected daily to cyber mail boxes full to the brim with a mixture of unqualified validation ( "please ma'am, please, i will do anything for you' ), demands ("I want ... ", "I want..." "answer immediately" ) and abuse ("whor bitch suck my cock bitch" ... "fuck u their r plenty moor like u out their cunt" ). This type of stereotyping is reinforced by what I term (with acknowledgment to Eileen of A Place to Draw Blood Laughing) Meaningless Validation / Abuse:

Que?? Let me digress a little. Because this is actually very important.

My friend Elizabeth recently performed an anthropological experiment:

"in an attempt to find intelligent life in the online BDSM community I had a profile on a Well Known Website ... my experiment ... was to throw up a bare bones female dominant profile ... name, height, a few random interests (none of them sexual) checked off, age, state, nothing else. No picture, no profile, no invitations or enticement to contact me, nothing ... the messages started pouring in"

Elizabeth has very kindly shared quite a few of those messages with you, as examples of what not to write to dominants, something we'll be covering in a later post. Of her experiment, she concluded:

"Here's my theory: I am so amazing, so amazingly sexy and superiorly dominant, that I don't even have to write a thing, my amazingness transfers through the tubes of the internet. And all men (small m) will bow before Me (capital M) because I am so special...".

She is special, indeed, lol. Eileen (who conducted a similar social experiment - "I once posted an ad on Craigslist giving my age, sex and orientation, and asking people to write poems for me. I got over 30 poems") drew the following conclusion:

"At any point, at any time, any woman who wants to can sign onto a chatroom or a message board that fosters female supremacy and be complimented, engaged, or even worshiped.

"These are examples of meaningless validation. This is exactly what I'm railing against when I say that you should respect, love, and know your partner. Validation given without respect grounded in reality is meaningless..."

Elizabeth reconfirms that "in the context of D/s, (and the greater world, you see this in male/female dynamics all the time), ungrounded adoration leaves all of the power in the hands of the one doing the adoring". Exactly. And when that adoration is withdrawn, meaningless validation often becomes meaningless abuse.

I believe both are intrinsically linked to the central belief of these adorers that dominant women in cyber space are no more than fantasy constructs. This role is constantly reinforced by the contents of the messages we receive from these men - the validation occurs in the act of contacting a dominant woman, but the woman is then depersonalized by the writer's refusal to address her by name, and by their focusing on their fantasies and desires, rather than suggesting shared interests. The abuse occurs when the dominant woman lets the adorer down, usually when she refuses to take him on as a sub. In other cases, the abuse is present from the first contact.

Okay, so thanks for the lesson in sociology 101, Ms160, what's your point? LOL. My point is that because these things are so common, if you avoid both meaningless validation and meaningless abuse, you will make an immediate impact when contacting your potential dominant.

Ms Eisanna Eiger was right to point out:

"you know boys, there is something between blind brown nosing here and misinformed insulting. Want to have quality conversations with good folks? Let's see if more of you can find that middle ground...."

Locating yourself on that "middle ground" instantly differentiates you from the masses. Then it's simply a case of reinforcing your position, which you can do by showing the dominant in question that you are aware of *her* as an individual. Akasha agrees:

"subs should focus more on talking about and learning more about things OTHER than kink ... The percentage of males subs that have asked me questions and been sincerely interested in me as a human being -- not as a domina -- is SO tiny. The ones that have, over time, have really become friends. Some became play partners.

"These are things submissives can EASILY change in their approach to single femdoms. I can't tell you how much a sub would stand out if he approached a femdom as a woman first and foremost. Subs should consider courting a woman just as he would a vanilla date -- just as he would try to woo a beautiful woman he met at a party or through friends. Not as a kinky goddess who will --- (the sooner the better) -- make all those fantasies come true"

Mistress Matisse wisely noted in her "From the Inbox" series:

"Men are notorious for not reading women’s ads before responding. It’s a huge turnoff when you get responses from someone who obviously has not comprehended one single thing you’ve said about what you’re seeking.

"If you wish to distinguish yourself, read carefully, and reply to what the ad actually says, not just what you want it to say"

So: what have you learned from all this?

That once you find a dominant you believe is right for you, you need to put serious effort into assuring her that your interest is in *her*. That you sincerely believe your interests match - and explain why. Then prove your sincerity by revealing a knowledge of her blog / profile / recent posts ' real time skills at bondage, or whatever. You need to compliment her and I don't mean telling her that she makes you hot. If the fine art of complimenting is a skill you've not learned then check out joreth's "How To Get A Girl To Talk To You". You've heard the term "courting" used here and I agree. Lady Myles suggests subs:

"be respectful; realize that she's a person, not an object or a fantasy; don't lead with expectations ... woo her much as you would if you were interested in dating a vanilla woman; and accept her response at face value".

All these things will equally bring your own personality into focus for her. Which is important, because (from Ms Reciprocity's observations) some subs feel dominants want a "blank canvas, a mindless sub robot". I can assure you that for experienced dominants this is absolutely not true.

Conclusion:

Enough for today; if you are sincerely trying to find a dominant, this post will have provided quite enough homework. Do go back and work some more on your lists, while you hold this post in your mind.

The next post in this series (part 2) will look at where you find dominants, and how to present yourself so that they notice you. Below is a partial online resources list that relates to what we've discussed today. Remember, the more you read, the better prepared you will be.

REFERENCES + ONLINE RESOURCES:

Ambrosio Meeting Someone Else into BDSM
Anon Finding Your Dominant
Anon The Acid Test
CarrieAnn - FemSubStartingPlace
Domina BDSM, Dominants, Switches and Submissives
Eileen Until they become conscious they will never rebel
Elizabeth Bow before my Splendiforesness
Elizabeth No Strings Attached
Richard Evans Lee Femdom Dating
Richard Evans Lee Femdom Weblogs & Forums
FAD How to Meet Dominant Women ... from a Sub's Point of View
Bob Harris To Catch A Dom
Miria Hunter Preparing the Gift for Giving
Jade Looking for a dominant
joreth "How To Get A Girl To Talk To You"
kim "What makes a good dominant" (2007 unpublished)
Lady Myles - Ms160's private Mistress Forum
Lady Kay (MistressKay) - various responses in CollarMe's "Femdoms can't find a decent male partner" thread
Tamar Kay Finding A Kinky Partner, part 1, part 2, part 3
Master Eso The Process of Selection
MinofSin - correspondence with Ms160
Miss Bonnie Finding Miss Right
Mistress Michelle Choosing a Mistress
Ms Margo On Patience: Or, How do I get a Dom, Anyway?
Ms Margo How do I find a Dom / Dominant/ Dominatrix/ domme/ Goddess/ Mistress/ dominant Lady/ dominate woman?
Marquise Meeting a Dominant Woman
oscagne Looking - advice
Jack Rinella Seeking Partners
Raven Shadowborne Finding a partner in BDSM
Mistress Steel Finding your Dominant
sweet_bits Some simple recommendations on first contacts
Franklin Veaux Folks I can do without

Want to join in discussions with Ms160 and others quoted in this series?
Come and visit Fetish lore's Finding Others forum.

Thank You's for the
Contacting Dominants series:

While all BDSM For Beginners posts are collaborative efforts,
this series was especially so. Sincere thanks as always to everyone
who contacted me with experiences and ideas,
as well as:
Mistress Milliscent , Lady Myles
Mistress Matisse, Elizabeth Eileen,
Richard Evans Lee Mrs Claudia
devastating, joreth
Mistress Tich
Master Joe's kim
and friends at:
FetishLore
(Quesera, switch, Ms Reciprocity, Tom Allen,
JustMiss, may may, roo-roo and quietlisten),
FSSP (here's your "more fame, oh yay" credit, CarrieAnn!)
CollarMe (MistressKay, Stef, AAkasha)
CollarNCuffs (Miss Bonnie and Miss Bitch)
and MyDungeonSpace
(sweet_bits, billc393, lei_da tacit, myraanken, pickin_grinnin ,
Vic, skyey, LadyUrsa, underwhere, Flaming_Redhead
and last but never least, lol: MinofSin)

Photo:
Sonnets - Unrealities XI
by ~elided on deviantART