Saturday, December 22, 2007

Part 16: How to find and contact a Dominant - waiting, rejection + success

"Now I’ll tell you what I tell everyone:
you can get what you want, if you try.
It’s going to take some time and effort,
but the right person for you is out there.
Don’t get discouraged, and try to enjoy the journey
as well as looking forward to the destination"
Mistress Matisse, 24 August 2007
From The Inbox series

Welcome to the final post in my BDSM For Beginners educational series on how to contact dominants. If you are new to this series, please read the Introduction first.

In part 1 we looked at ways to work out your own needs and desires, so you can begin to establish what you want in a dominant - knowing the right dominants to approach means your attempts at contacting them will be more successful. In part 2 we discussed how to find dominants and how to present yourself so that they notice you. In part 3 and 4 we looked at the issue of actually writing to a dominant. Perhaps you tried the exercise in writing a letter to Mistress Milliscent at the end of part 4. Congratulations. You are doing really well.

In this final post we are going to explore ways to cope with waiting to hear back from dominants, and with rejection. We will also talk about how to reply when a dominant contacts / responds to you.


Okay. So you sent the message off, and are watching your Inbox desperately. Stop it right now. Patience. Under no circumstances send more messages. Here's an example [of unsolicited mail] of how it looks from the dominant's end:
DATE: Aug 07 2007, 8:33 am
i would love to apply to be apart of your stable mistress i do have a webcam mistress

DATE: Aug 07 2007, 8:42 am
where do i apply mistress i am very intrested i have a webcam also

DATE: Aug 07 2007, 8:53 am
i am [several sentences about himself] i could webcam very intrested in being taken over by you mistress hope to hear soon from you

DATE: Aug 07 2007, 9:32 am
i am sitting here naked mistress about to drop some hot wax on my cock i really hope you take me on
And it got worse. When he received a rejection from my mail sub he changed his name and tried again. Then when he got no response, he created a new identity on the site and sent another message. He then posted on a public blog at MDS:
i am very new to the scene i have read some profiles on here
i am very intrested in mistress160 i hope to hear from mistress160 soon
Believe me, this doesn't work. It gets you reported to the site's administrator as a cyber stalker. And it gets your various names known to dominants as trouble. I was not surprised that this man was still posting months later about not having a Domme, although in his case the problem was compounded by the fact he never understood that the site where this occurred was not a dating site.

I know its hard to wait. But be patient. Just to show you subs are not the only one having a tough time, here's sweet_bit's advice to Doms on this same subject:
"if i don't respond to you right away, even though you may have spent hours on the perfect email, it is not a reflection on you. i have real life issues and responsibilities that have to come first... if you send me one that really touches or intrigues me, you will undermine it immediately if the next one i open starts whining that i didn't answer yet. and i have to tell you guys - nothing makes my skin crawl faster than a Dom that whines, you just handed me power that i have no desire for".
If you haven't heard after a week, then it's fine to send a brief courteous email double checking the dominant received your message or petition. It's much more polite to put it like that, rather than demand a decision.

If you receive a response back requested you resend your first email, then do so, and for God's sake don't take the dominant to task for losing the first copy. You don't have to deal with the enormous amount of mail that they do.

Waiting, after you've been
requested to send further info

There is a special hell I think for this kind of wait - the "wait" after the first wait, when you've had a response, and have forwarded the further info requested, or filled in the dominant's questionnaire.

My Fetlife friend cracked has kindly allowed me to xpost what he wrote during such a wait. It's a dreadful period ("tortuous") ... but equally the vision of potential futures, of possibilities, of "what might be" is endlessly sweet:

It's the 1st time I've seriously sought to contact a dominant woman. I was asked to send a letter and fulfil other tasks by doing so. The letter has been sent and now I must wait. And even though the wait has not been long, it's still tortuous.

Doubts plague my mind. Have I said the wrong thing? Have I said the right things? Will she be pleased by my efforts or dismissive of them? What will she think of me? It's only been a day, and the chances are I won't know until she responds, or doesn't (that would be worse).

But the much harder aspect is the fantasies that plague my mind since sending the letter. I often find myself distressed by my submissive nature. It's an itch I can't possibly reach myself to scratch. I haven't made any requests (no good slave should), and so thoughts of what might happen race through my head... I know how'll feel when I kneel before her wearing only the collar with her name on it: it's perhaps my only certainty right now. Will she smile as I suffer? will I ser her eyes light up as she decides precisely how? will she keep her face stern? will she rob me of the opportunity to see with a blindfold? Do I have any idea of what she'll put me through? I cannot possibly think of all the things she might do, and that powerlessness only feeds my yearning. Is this how every slave feels when they await their fate? To hunger for every cruelty and punishment, so that the hunger is a torment within itself. She's promised me that I will never escape her once the collar is on? I swooned when I read this.

Will she be the one I love? the one that I fall for, such that my helplessness becomes palpable, something I can touch. Is she the one I devote myself to selflessly? the one who'll free me from the torment of freedom? Will she be the one who brings the best out of me? Ripping it out with gleeful satisfaction. I can cope with the sexual torment to some extent and relieve myself... the emotional desire is harder, and cannot be relieved without ceding completely.

It begs the question of whether such love would be purgatory: an unending test of ones resolve, bitter and sublimely sweet.

Coping with rejection
Part 1: no response at all

"Sometimes no response *is* a response. Mull that over
for a while and wonder why it is that people might not
feel the need or desire to reply to your email"
(Stef, CollarMe)

Sometimes your petition is unsuccessful. Either the dominant didn't answer at all (as many don't with unsolicited messages, of which they may receive hundreds) or they responded with a rejection.

Let's look at the not answering thing for a minute. Unless you have run into a very busy or discourteous male dominant, this is usually a very specific male sub / female dominant problem. And male subs (with respect) make a lot of noise about it. "Poor fellow, you've emailed countless Dommes and none of them write back", writes Richard Evans Lee,
"What is wrong with them? You've expressed your willingness to do "anything." What more could they ask? Really the question is what is wrong with your or at least your presentation of yourself".
Exactly. So have a think about:
  • Who you wrote to. Contacting Bitch Goddess type Dommes on major sites, for example, may suit the stereotypes in your fantasies, but (even if you are into financial domination) rarely produces a play / life partner.
  • How / what you wrote. If it was the kind of message you saw examples of in part 4, perhaps you can understand why they didn't reply. Also, did your criteria match with the dominant's? If not, well, really there was never much chance of a response. Did the dominant know you? If not, same problem.
  • Why you wrote. This last may sound strange, but let's listen to solipsist for a moment:
"one reason many Dommes don't reply (from observation of the boys who contact Mistress160 and tales I've heard from other Dommes) is that while Dominant Women get deluged with unsolicited approaches, 99+% of those who contact them aren't genuine.

"If a Domme replies to a boy who has contacted her, and at one time Mistress did reply to almost all her mail (or gets her mail sub to do it for her), 9 times out of 10 she doesn't hear back from them. Of those who do reply, if She does take an interest in what they have asked for, half of those remaining exchange an e-mail or two, and then disappear.

"One common complaint among Dommes is that they can't find good subs. Or subs at all. Given the apparent disparity in numbers between male submissives and female dominants online, this is surprising, but appears to be true. The obvious conclusion is that most of the 'male subs' online aren't really what they appear to be.

"So perhaps the first thing you need to do before contacting a Domme is to be sure that you want contact with that Domme".
Sol's absolutely right about all this. I can't stress this too strongly: don't ever contact a dominant unless you sincerely want (some sort of) relationship with them.

But what if you feel you did everything right? As roo roo points out, if a dominant has posted publicly that she's looking for a sub:
"then she should have the resources (time, energy, willingness, etc.) to sort through all the responses. Saying "no, thanks" is a common courtesy. Of course, that common courtesy doesn't apply to those who obviously don't possess it themselves. Ignoring someone who went through the appropriate channels and did everything right is rude".
Yes, it is rude. But this raises the question: why are you trying to contact someone you know is rude ... because surely the research you've undertaken on the dominant
(the tone of her profile text / the reputation she has amongst others on the sites where she is active, etc) prior to writing to her, revealed this. Perhaps she wasn't quite the right match....

What can you do about a no response?

Let's talk about a situation where you really feel you've found the dominant of your dreams, the closest match you've ever had to your interests, you've done all the right things but you are not getting a response - but you don't want to give up. What can you do to bring yourself to their attention?

What you've probably come up against is someone who's at the end of their tether with vast amounts of unsolicited mail. As quietlisten has observed:
"it only takes a small percentage of inconsiderate subs to make life difficult for a whole lot of dommes and, by extension, the rest of the subs".
I know we've discussed this before, but it's worth repeating here because some male subs have sincere trouble understanding this: sol is right that "that most of the 'male subs' online aren't really what they appear to be". About half the unsolicited mail we receive is not even from subs, is usually highly obscene ("CUNT CUNT CNT CUNT") or written as a "joke" ("show us yr tits cuty pie"). The rest appears to be from subs but are usually the kind of messages you've just seen in the "samples of what not to write". Many are vanillas looking for kinky sex.

An interesting research project...

I can't verify this research's data acquisition methods (and have had no response to my email at CollarMe to Lady Kay) but here's what Lady Kay discovered, when she ran a research project in 2005 on why dominant women often can't find a submissive:
"I ... came up with some very interesting results ... the research panel consisted of approximately 2800 women and approximately 8,000 males in addition to scientific research of which there is little...
  1. The average women is genetically dis positioned to be submissive - so FemDommes are rare in the bigger gene pool of life (only 1 out of 1000 on average). Most women can be domineering and bossy, but that is not the same thing as erotically Dominant
  2. The average heterosexual male fantasizes about being taken by a powerful dominant woman (98%).
  3. On average there are 100 male submissives to every 1 FemDomme.
  4. Out of that 100 male submissives - 87% of them are just looking for kinky sex with a dominant woman - in other words they are bottoms at best for they have no true desire to submit, only to be sexually used by a woman and if it doesn't include sex they are not interested. They are only submissive if they are horny - take away the arousal and they are no longer submissive. (I refer to these men as kinky, not submissive).
  5. Out of the 13 male submissives left 5 of them want to be feminized and are not interested in submitting without being dressed as a woman (so if a FemDomme is looking for a MALE who loves serving as a male - it only gets harder to find).
  6. Out of the 8 left 4 are looking to be rescued - they don't want to have to initiate anything and although they say they will serve - they don't actually want to do anything. They tend to complain alot and have a long list of sad stories about the woes of their life. They carry more baggage than FedEx and if you don't Domme them exactly the way they want they will blame you for abusing them as well.
  7. Out of the 4 left 3 just want to avoid responsibility- they are basically lazy and want a woman to make all the decisions. They tend to stay detached as they can't be bothered to actually "participate" either... they just tend to float through life.
  8. There is only 1 submissive who is emotionally balanced with a true desire to explore his submission (which isn't based on arousal alone).
"So odds are FemDommes will have to go through hundreds of submissives to find just a couple of potential matches. To the submissive out there looking - you are a needle in a haystack of horny men. Don't give up - we are looking for you!"
Dominants talk about responding:

Some Dommes do try and respond, as JustMiss explains, re her CollarMe account:
"If someone read through [my profile] and they didn't match and they were a one-liner, I didn't feel obligated to reply.

"If someone didn't match me but they wrote out a really nice letter to me, I always replied. I'd thank them for taking the time to write, for sharing themselves with me, but that I didn't think that we were compatible and wished them luck on their search. If they wrote back again to pursue me, I no longer felt obligated to respond.

"If someone wrote and it was well written I'd respond with a well written reply and make further inquiry. Sometimes it went somewhere, sometimes it didn't.

"I personally enjoyed the fact that someone would take the time to write me, as I certainly wasn't browsing profiles to find anyone. I was just going off of the feedback and the mail I was receiving. I didn't mind taking the time to respond to anyone that seemed to put any thought into any response, even if it was only a few lines long"
But responding can be very wearying for many dominants, both because of constantly dealing with obscenities, and because the majority of people writing only see us as fantasy constructs, there to provide further stimulation for themselves. "Being a polite person", writes Elizabeth,
"I sent off "not interested but good luck to you" responses and get back either whiny manipulative missives or "that's okay, just tell me what you do with your husband" ... That's likely. Me using my husband to provide whack material for you.

"it didn't take long for me to feel like, as a dominant woman, I was being seen as some cyber blow up doll by pretty much anybody who contacted me. Which is unappealing to most women, but an absolute no go for a dominant unless she's looking for your Mastercard.

"how a real guy gets through to a real woman through all that noise, I couldn't imagine"
Good point. I know male subs find this hard to believe, but messages from what I call true subs - intelligent, sane submissive men who are sincerely making a request to serve - are very rare and (as Domina writes) "treasured above rubies" by Dommes. But I'm sure you can see how easily they can be lost in all the "noise", which heartbreakingly also acts to drive away those sincere subs. "This is reality", writes may may,
"and it's a damn shame. Whether I was dom or sub, with my nature, I'd have exactly five minutes patience to operate in a meat market culture in a crowd of people who *seem* as it their primary goal is to play the numbers to find someone willing to cyber with them without a Mastercard ... the noise they create actively makes it harder for people like you and me ... it devalues both submission and dominance"
It certainly does. And that "noise" means sometimes it's impossible for the dominant of your dreams to hear you. Their policies of deleting all unsolicited mail, or using a mail sub to sort their mail, are the result of trying to find ways to cope with that "noise".

So: if you have put time and effort into finding a good prospective dominant, then its worth trying other ways to reach them, such as interacting with them on the sites and forums where they are active, so that when you try contacting them again you will be known to them. I'd suggest you head back to part 3 for some practical ideas.

And keep in mind quietlisten's excellent advice for patience:
"It would be nice if a well-composed, thoughtful, focused note could open up a dialog, but from what I've seen the fatigue factor for a domme can be overwhelming. ...of the roughly a dozen notes I've sent during the past year and a half or so, about the only other response I have received is "Send a pic," then nothing. (I'm pretty ugly, so that's not surprising!)

"I figure it's a game of patience. If I'm just my adorable acerbic self and don't get in a huge rush, things will work out the way they are supposed to...."
Coping with rejection
Part 2: being turned down by a dominant

This can happen for many reasons. In real life it can be because a dominant doesn't feel your interests match, or that they don't play with people they don't know, or that they have a partner and do not play out of that relationship, etc. Online, it might be because their stable is full (cyber subs take up a lot of time. A Dom/me really can't take on many). Or because your interests don't match. Or because they don't take on subs they don't know.

But don't give up when this happens. As Master Eso says in his article The Process of Selection:
"don't be afraid of rejection. It is not only a process of selection, but also a process of elimination. If a Master chooses not to accept you as his slave, it might indeed be a good thing. A Master too, does know what he needs and desires. And if it doesn't fit for the Master or the slave, there is little point of trying to force it"
What can you do about this? In most cases, not much more than accept it and move on. But do so with grace. Don't do the sending nasty emails bit. All that does is confirm to the dominant that their decision was the right one. If you've made a mistake about the dominant's preferences re BDSM and sex, and they've responded sharply (as can happen) do what Domina advises, just:
"accept it. Don’t write back with justification. Don’t call him/her names. Go on to the next. You are not going to change anyone’s mind, and you are just ruining your chances for any of his/her friends".

A word about mail subs:

"I have never had so many emails I have had
to have some bloke in a dress process them for me.
I really believe this is a stupid femdom myth"
Bitchy Jones

Mail subs are a FemDom reality, and they fulfill an important function: they take a great deal of stress off their dominant by handling unsolicited mail. Not every dominant needs one, obviously, but if you have written to a very popular dominant your reply/ rejection may come from their mail sub.

It never ceases to sadden me how rude subs applying to serve are to subs who hold this trusted position, even when the mail sub has gone to considerable effort to advise them in a respectful manner how to make their next application more successful. My own mail sub has never received a single thanks for the hundreds of personal responses he has sent in reply.

Being rude to a mail sub is the ultimate short sighted response. If your application had been successful, this mail sub would have become your colleague and friend. And apart from the fact that being discourteous to a mail sub is being discourteous to their Dom/me, mail subs are your direct access point to their owners. They may have strict instructions as to what messages to pass on, but a dominant will always listen to their mail sub's advice on an applicant.

Turn your brain on, lol: be nice to the mail sub!!!!

Sending a thank you letter:

Whether the rejection message came from a dominant or their mail sub, always send a thank you message, thanking the dominant for their time / consideration of your petition. If the mail sub has offered advice as to how to improve your application, thank them too. And take on board their advice - they, after all, are in the best position to know what works and what doesn't with the dominant you would love to serve.

Sometimes a dominant will provide reasons for the rejection, sometimes they won't. If they don't, and you are feeling brave, ask them politely in your thank you letter what those reasons were so that you can refine your application and avoid similar mistakes in future. Its worth doing this for exactly those reasons, but also because some rejection reasons might allow a second chance. For example:
  • Rejected because you didn't provide the information the dominant requested, or follow the instructions they specified regarding applications from subs? Send an apology and ask whether another application with accurate info will be accepted for consideration.
  • Rejected because your kinky interests didn't match? Three things here. Firstly, communication, communication, lol: make sure you read your next prospective dominant's profile and interests better. Secondly, go back to your lists from part 1. You obviously contacted someone who didn't match your criteria - so go back, and double check that criteria. Make sure you apply it next time. Thirdly, if you feel the dominant has made a mistake, perhaps in haste, and that you do match, you could either try to raise this (politely!) in your thank you letter, or back off for a while, and get your interests across another way (start a thread in a forum / post on your blog / upload some photos)
  • Rejected because the dominant has a full stable? Include in your thank you letter that you'd be grateful if your name / application could be added to their waiting list. As Ms Margo points out, "there are many submissives that I've had to say "no" to because the timing wasn't right, but some have stayed in occasional polite contact (polite is the key word here!), and if I ever wanted a new submissive those would be the people I would think of first. If you have the patience to wait until the timing is right, you will increase your chances of finding a Dom".
Back to the drawing board?

Okay. It happens. Sometimes communication just doesn't happen. Or you can't find a dominant partner you feel is right for you, to contact.

Perhaps, as Ambrosio has observed:
"you have been trying to hard, [you have] too much focused on your own [f]antasy, you may be looking in the wrong places or it is a combination of all three of these factors ... I personally have always found my S&M-partners, including my girlfriend, outside S&M circles. ... Be like an antenna, sending out signals that other people will understand. The main signal is not "I am into S&M", the main signal is "Don't be afraid to ask. Talk to me"
Don't let frustration drive you nuts. Keep your energy focused on something constructive, preferably building on your experience levels / reputation in your local real time kinky community. "While you are being patient waiting for the right Dominant to come along, learn about the scene and socialize in it if possible" advises Ms Margo:
"Read the newsgroups and FAQ's for information. If you have questions, post them. If nothing else, it will get you mail. Read scene related books and magazines, not just to look at the pictures. Go to [local kinky] events, where you have the opportunity to meet more people in the scene".
Keep an eye out too for paths you may not have followed in your original attempt to find a dominant. Join different sites. When you hear of dominants trying to help, support their attempts. To provide one example, Mistress Milliscent made a wonderful offer on her blog earlier this year:
"I know how difficult it can be to find a bdsm partner, both for those seeking long term relationships and those just seeking occasional bdsm play with someone they enjoy.

"Large internet dating sites offer good chances, as do the myriad of SM events and groups around the Puget Sound. Both of these are not without their drawbacks though, so I've decided to offer my readers the following service.

"If you are searching for someone, as another way of getting your message out there, I will at my discretion, consider posting advertisements here on the blog on your behalf ... Be creative, make your ad interest me ... I assure you that if your ad sounds interesting to me, it will be interesting to a potential partner"
Have a guess how many responses Mistress Milliscent received? If you are still searching for a Domme, why not take her up on her offer. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Finally, read these two posts by Axe of Unspeakable Axe :
And you'll feel better immediately, I promise.

Casual play ... and the importance of friends:

You will find someone eventually", advises oscagne:
"just don't expect it to be instantaneous - you will have to give a lot, and be extremely patient - but trust me, there is someone there for you. And even in the meantime if you don't find the relationship you are looking for, maybe you'll find some very good friends in the process - [and] get some "casual" play along the way".
I am sure you have, or will have, both of these things, because by now you will have local contacts with your kinky community and will be attending local events and play parties. You may also be playing online. Sometimes its best just to put your search aside for a while, and enjoy your friends and any casual play that comes your way.

(I know sometimes this can be especially difficult for switches, who often feel forced at parties to "switch" to the role
(usually to act as a top) most desired by others . This can lead to nasty cases of drop, so make sure you obtain proper aftercare. You might like to read the BDSM For Beginners post on aftercare for switches, as well as my Emergency Self Aftercare Instructions)

Sometimes stopping your search and focusing on friends is the best thing you can do.
As Miss Bonnie has wisely observed: "I think when you stop looking you have more chance of finding others". typesgirl on CollarMe agrees: "i found my Master before i knew i was a sub and when i wasn't even looking. i think "true love", or whatever version of that you believe in, happens when you least expect it", while 1wildwolf:
"finally found my Domme when i got so frustrated at being online and got my ass out into a local munch ... that said, it took over 2 years of trying to get the confidence....and a lot of walks up and down the street before i walked into the bar, lol..."
Meanwhile, as switch discovered:
"People with interests other than "looking" are more attractive than people who are frantically looking. Self sufficiency is sexy. It's hard to look sexy in this particular way on a dating site.

"Also sizing up everyone you meet as a potential lover tends to cause you to dismiss good matches for superficial reasons. Most happily coupled people I know (myself included) are not with the person they would have or did describe in a personal profile"
Desperate Measure No 1: when you really need a rant....

When you need to have a rant about the whole experience (we are all entitled to the odd bout of self pity) remember to do so in a secure environment, such as a private group or chat room, surrounded by friends. In the dominant hunting game it's important to conceal too much negativity - you don't want to drive away the one you seek, who could be checking you out right now.

I read a thread on CollarMe recently where a bitter, disappointed male sub made his feelings against "
the nacissistic bigots I meant dommes in this site" known:
"A male is seen as a pathetic whiner for complaining about getting no attention while its acceptable for a woman to complain about getting too much attention. What should be classed as the most pathetic?"
To which one dominant, LaMistressa responded:
"even if [this sub] had a picture like Brad Pitt, his poisoned attitude would get delete/block from me. That negativity permeates everything in his profile, not to mention his posts".
So have your rant privately, amongst friends - or if you really must do it somewhere in public, make it amusing. What's the first thing a dominant will do after they burst out laughing at some witty remark you've made? They'll go check out your profile.

and one more thing: I have fantastic dominant friends, both online and real time, looking for subs even as I write. We have long conversations about how good subs are impossible to find. We sometimes settle for second best because the best remains elusive in the constant "noise" around us. So KEEP TRYING.

Desperate Measure No 2: "building your own dominant":

Ms Margo suggests that if you are having trouble finding a BDSM partner, don't forget you may be able to work on the vanilla relationship you have at home - you can read more on Ms Margo's "build your own dominant" ideas here.

It's a terrific line, and I appreciate Ms Margo's aim with this, but I think the whole subject of involving vanilla partners is a separate series on BDSM For Beginners' posts.

The one thing I want to stress here now, is that you really need to examine your motivation for "building" your own dominant. If you have always desperately wanted the love of your life to dominant you, that's worth doing some reading about (a couple of places to start: the books on this subject suggested in my BDSM For Beginner's post on published resources, and
Mistress Rika's brilliant article "The Vanilla Domme: tips for enjoying D/s when you're not a dominatrix").

However, I don't support people who only want to change their current vanilla partner to "fill in", so to speak, while they seek the perfect (replacement) partner online.

Desperate Measure No 3:
ing a professional Domme:

"It's not working, Ms160, I can't find anyone,
I'm so lonely and I feel like BDSM is an itch I can't
scratch. What about seeing a professional?"

Why not, indeed. This really isn't a "desperate measure", it's just some people view it that way, but there is nothing wrong with seeking a professional dominant, either real time or online. You may have real life circumstances that preclude your finding a BDSM partner. Or not want to place your high profile job at risk by getting involved with your local kinky scene. Or like the sub who wrote to me above, you might be feeling too frustrated to keep looking for a partner. The loneliness may become too much.

In these cases, if your submissive itch is simply getting out of control, there is always the alternative of meeting with a professional, either in real time or online. This won't be cheap. But you control the situation (by which I mean they will provide you with exactly the scenario that will scratch your particular itch), and if you choose the right dominant you'll have a lot of fun. In fact, I think everyone should visit a professional dungeon during their kinky lives. It's a great experience.

How to choose who to visit? Well, you've already done all the work. You know exactly what you are looking for in a play partner. You know exactly what scratches those itches of yours, lol. So get online, find where the local BDSM dungeons / professionals are, and start the procedure (which will be outlined on their website) that will lead to your appointment with a Mistress or Dom that suits you.

Some advice from Ms Margo:
"Keep in mind that a professional Dominant is not a prostitute. Do not expect her to have sex with you, or even allow you "manual release", just because you are paying her. You are paying for her time and her skills, just like you would pay your doctor or your dentist

"She is also not your girlfriend. If you come to see her often you may develop a friendly relationship with her, or you may not. She likely has lots of other clients and you are just one of them. Remember that no matter how pleasurable it is, it is still a business transaction"
So if sex is what you want, make sure you check the Domme provides it. As Mistress Alyssa once responded in a forum thread called "Why are Mistresses so anti-sex?":
"Some dommes won't escort. Some escorts won't domme. Some strippers will escort but won't domme. Some dommes will strip and escort at work but not at the other work. Some strippers domme onstage but not in private. Some strippers will domme with an escort but only every other Thursday. You need to find the right equation. Keep looking and you will"
Want to seek a proDomme online?

Again, fine. You have all the info you need to select someone who suits you. There's a lot of gossip in the chat rooms about the pros and cons of online proDommes, and I don't deny there are some seriously unpleasant (often non kinky) women acting as proDommes online. But there are also some really great women, some of whom I'm honored to call my friends (such as the beautiful and fiendish Mistress Tich) who are proud of the professional service they offer.

So ask around. And unless you have a very specific financial domination kink, simply avoid the financial dom princesses with their little girl avatars and flashing tribute signs.

"OMG, the dominant I contacted actually
answered positively ... what do i do now??"

LOL. Seriously, that's great. Let's look carefully at what they've written, so we can put some thought into getting the response right:

  • Have they responded with a single line? "Tell me more" or "send a photo" are quite common responses on dating sites. Not exactly helpful, but not negative either. Okay: tell them more. But don't go overboard. Keep your response to a couple of paragraphs, and make sure you mention interests you have in common. Re the "send a photo" response, I'd actually risk a further message to clarify what type of pix to send. Because sending the wrong image is going to put an end to the communication.
  • Think about: why have they responded? Do they mention what about you intrigues them? Do they ask any specific questions? If so, answer them, keeping your response short.
  • Is their manner formal or informal? Make sure you respond with a similar tone. Don't get too informal! Double check how they sign their name.
For each message you receive in future, keep these points in mind.

If all goes well, other forms of contact will be suggested. IMing is good. The chat room is good. Always keep being courteous a priority. Oh, and if you meet in the chat room, refrain from boasting that you are meeting a dominant shortly. If you really can't refrain, lol, be VERY careful what you say - all chat rooms have transcripts as well as regular gossips. A dominant doesn't need to be in the room to know what been said. I've seen several tentative new friendships go right down the plughole because a sub forgot this.

Once a dominant gives you a private IM address, don't misuse it. Don't contact them at all hours. Don't give it to another sub. Oh, and keep time differences in mind. As I wrote once in desperation in a comment on Richard Evans Lee's How To Woo A Domme Online post:
"contacting Mistresses with requests for attention at their crack of dawn (or earlier) is a tad unwise. You are unlikely to receive the kind of response you want when Mistress has been woken at 4am (as has happened to me these last two days). Believe me at 4am Mistress does NOT want to want to consider your submission, does NOT want to play, does NOT want to see your (I am sure very nice) dick photos and does NOT want to watch you wank…"
LOL. What about voice chat? Richard makes some wise points on FemdomDating:
"nowadays Yahoo Messenger Google Talk, not to mention VOIP services like Skype enable you to chat over the web without losing the safety of anonymity.

"going to spoken chat is probably best reserved until you feel really sure about the other person. The very beginning may be a bit stiff, you’ll each be nervous. While there may be some stuttering and stumbling hopefully each person can take that into account and allow time for comfort and confidence to develop"

How do I respond when a dominant contacts me, out of the blue?

How wonderful. What do they say? That they know you from, that you have mutual friends. Oh and they like your sense of humor in your posts? That's great.

You do realize, this is all your hard work paying off? You are part of so many great kinky communities, you have good friends, such great networking, now. Have you checked their profile? And you like it? What else do they say? That they'd like to know more about you. So. What to write back???

My dear friend, after reading your way through the five long posts in this series ... after completing each assignment ... I think you know how to respond ...

Go on ... and good luck!

"okay, so now I have a dominant, and its great, but..."
(maintaining a D/s relationship)

Sometimes we spend so long on the journey that we forget that the D/s relationship we finally achieve - like any new relationship - will need work, too. As Mrs Claudia observes:
"When a Dominant accepts the service and submission from her husband... or boyfriend, it is very significant. The Dominant needs to realize that she is responsible for the safety and well being of her slave and he is trusting her to not do many things. The submissive is trusting her to not:
  1. Take advantage of him.
  2. Injure or hurt him (in a bad way)
  3. Abandon him, ridicule him.
  4. Emotionally, psychologically or physically abuse him or
  5. Humiliate him (again in a bad way).
"It takes great amounts of trust and respect for a submissive to allow the Dominant to take control of his life"
As Mrs Claudia notes, such relationships "never happen instantaneously, nor smoothly". While I will definitely write a BDSM For Beginners post on maintaining D's relationships, for now if you are experiencing teething problems I suggest you read Mrs Claudia's terrific post. But be warned, she uses that dreaded word: COMMUNICATE!! And here's a final one from me: patience! And I mean it. Because you finally have the relationship of your dreams in your grasp, so treat it with respect and care.

And congratulations, by the way, from myself and everyone in the acknowledgment list below, on finally finding your dominant....

(smaller lists relating to topic can be found on each post)

Online Resources on finding a dominant - general:

Ambrosio Meeting Someone Else into BDSM
Anon Finding Your Dominant
Anon The Acid Test (checks for weeding out fake online Dom/mes)
CarrieAnn - FemSubStartingPlace
Domina BDSM, Dominants, Switches and Submissives
Eileen Until they become conscious they will never rebel
Eileen, quoted by Richard Evans Lee Who Should Say Hello First?
Elizabeth Bow before my Splendiforesness
Elizabeth No Strings Attached
IrishWinks What I Learned about Personal Ads
Richard Evans Lee Femdom Dating
Richard Evans Lee Femdom Weblogs & Forums
Richard - How to Woo a Domme Online
FAD How to Meet Dominant Women ... from a Sub's Point of View
Bob Harris To Catch A Dom
Miria Hunter Preparing the Gift for Giving
Jade D/s cyber relationships of the wrong kind
Jade Dominants ... what am I looking for?
Tamar Kay Finding A Kinky Partner, part 1, part 2, part 3
kim "What makes a good dominant" (2007 unpublished)
Lady Myles - Ms160's private Mistress Forum
Marquise Meeting a Dominant Woman
Master Eso The Process of Selection
MinofSin - correspondence with Ms160
Miss Bonnie Finding Miss Right
Mistress Michelle Choosing a Mistress
Ms Margo On Patience: Or, How do I get a Dom, Anyway?
Ms Margo How do I find a Dom / Dominant/ Dominatrix/ domme/ Goddess/ Mistress/ dominant Lady/ dominate woman?
Mistress Steel Finding your Dominant
Mrs Claudia What exactly is the role of a Dominant?
oscagne Looking - advice
Jack Rinella Seeking Partners
Raven Shadowborne Finding a partner in BDSM
sweet_bits Some simple recommendations on first contacts
Trixie "Advice on applications to a Mistress" (you will need to sign up as a member to access this:

Virtual world social networking sites:
James Harkin "Get a (second) life" (Financial Times 17 Nov 2006)
Roz Kaveney "Second Lives and Online Utopias" (TLS 16 May 2007)
Victoria Paine "Kinky Demographics of SL BDSM Community" (Second Life Herald 11 Sept 2007)
Irene Sege "Leading a double life" (Boston Globe 25 Oct 2006)
Wikipedia "Red Light Center" (October 2007)
Wikipedia "Second Life" (October 2007)

Published resources:
Esther Gwinnell Online Seductions: Falling in Love with Strangers on the Internet
Karen Martin How to capture a Mistress

Aldra Robinson Kinky Love: BDSM Dating Sites

Real life interactions:
BDSM local scene list
FAD General Etiquette, Dress and Protocol
Horseman Play Party Etiquette
Miscellaneous Tips for Newbies
Miss Bonnie Warning Signs
Mistress Matisse Text of a not-uncommon type of email for me
Roo Roo Beginning Real Time
XMentor Munch Etiquette and Dungeon Party (Scene) Etiquette
Franklin Veaux Folks I can do without

Dominants and subs on contacting dominants:
Eileen Until they become conscious they will never rebel
Elizabeth Bow before my Splendiforesness
Lady Jadis Word of Warning
Lady Myles It always amazes me...
may may - FetishLore and Stupid stupid gay tops are just as bad as other men and women
MinofSin - correspondence with Ms160
Mistress Matisse From the Inbox (letters)
Mistress Milliscent Personal Ads
Mistress160 How NOT to contact a new Mistress
sweet_bits Some simple recommendations on first contacts

Forum discussions:
Want to join in discussions with Ms160 and others quoted in this series?
Come and visit Fetish lore's Finding Others forum, including:

On CollarMe:
On MyDungeonSpace:
You'll also find lots of people to discuss this topic on, which started after I posted this series.

Emergency Need Hope! posts:

Axe of Unspeakable Axe :

Thank You's for the
Contacting Dominants series:

While all BDSM For Beginners posts are collaborative efforts,
this series was especially so. Sincere thanks as always to everyone
who contacted me with experiences and ideas,
as well as:

Mistress Milliscent , Lady Myles
Mistress Matisse, Elizabeth Eileen,
Richard Evans Lee Mrs Claudia
Mistress Tich

Master Joe's kim
and friends at:

(Quesera, switch, Ms Reciprocity, Tom Allen,
JustMiss, may may, roo-roo and quietlisten),

FSSP (here's your "more fame, oh yay" credit, CarrieAnn!)
CollarMe (MistressKay, Stef,
(Miss Bonnie and Miss Bitch)
and MyDungeonSpace
(sweet_bits, billc393, lei_da
tacit, myraanken, pickin_grinnin ,
Vic, skyey, LadyUrsa, underwhere, Flaming_Redhead
and last but never least, lol: MinofSin)

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