Feedback on BDSM For Beginners "contacting dominants" posts

xposted from Ms160's Abode 14 Jan 08:

"it's a wonderful series ...
it's causing me to ONCE AGAIN re-evaluate
who I am, what I want, and how I present myself.
The process is wonderfully important and
Mistress 160's series cannot be recommended
highly enough ... If you're a submissive who is
looking for a dominant (especially if you are
somewhat new to the process) go and read this. Now."
quietlisten

Thank you to everyone who's dropped me a line about the BDSM For Beginners "contacting dominants" posts.

As you know I was a bit twitchy about writing the series, for the reasons stated in the Intro. But it seems that it has filled a need. I've greatly appreciated all the feedback and have edited the posts to include your suggestions and additional experiences.

To any subs thinking of reading the series and undertaking the homework, the feedback I've received from other subs indicates both the series and the homework are proving useful, especially for newbies and for others feeling burned out in their search for a partner.

"i know You joked about the length of the posts Ms160 but the detail You went into means You addressed so many areas i really needed to know about"
(Sam)

"Thank you for your comments on my day's assignment. I was a bit freaked at handing it in. But you made me feel I did great and I have posted my assignment profile on alt now!"
(randy)

"thank u thank u thank u ... all the examples of real letters were really helpful ... i feel positive about my future"
(AJ)

"[I] really, really liked what you have written. It's a significant and very well-thought-out piece of work and you should be very proud of it ... Thanks for all you do for the promotion of what I think of as "good kink," and your love of us subbies. It means more than you know"
(quietlisten)

Because I value quietlisten's opinions I requested a longer review of the series from him. As I believe his review will be of interests to others - both subs and dominants - seeking a partner, here it is in full:

"F$#%ing wow.

"Okay, now that I've cursed in your general direction, I'd like to point out that it was intended as a compliment. I'm floored by the effort that is so obvious throughout the series, from the overall structure (unusual in a blog) to the careful enumeration of options in various situations. It just exudes thought and care.

"One of the greatest strengths of the work is the way you've paired "here's what you should/shouldn't do" with "here are the consequences and what it looks like through the other person's eyes." That's far more persuasive than a rule book approach. There are people on the other end of communications and they respond best by being treated like (drum roll...) people!

"As I pointed out [to you previously], the quotes from Dommes and other subs made me feel like this is a dance we are all in together, not a competition. A few months looking can turn anyone into a jaded cynic, and it's great therapy to understand the viewpoint from the other side of the search. In fact, the "needle in a haystack" comment motivated me to not only want to be the needle, but to be the FOUND needle. The last part of the series has a satisfyingly positive ring to it.

"Speaking very personally, I've always felt that I was the odd man out in any BDSM situation or discussion because I didn't have any real interest in a sneering bitch who would whip me. This series is so well grounded in real people without the "here's how you're doing it wrong" flavor that those of us on the margins of the lifestyle could be convinced to look more carefully and with a broader mind.

"Again, speaking just for myself, I'm probably going to change my tactics in my search. I kind of stopped thinking of it as a search about a year ago, and I feel more satisfied now. Your series helped me understand why that might be. I'll let you know if and when I find the Domme of my dreams, and you can take full credit ... if she lets you!

"I can't thank you enough for this series. I know from the sub male's perspective how valuable this advice is. I appreciate all the work you put into it. If I'm ever in Oz, I promise a great big giant hug"

I also appreciate all the comments, posts and emails I've received from dominants.

"I want to direct your attention to this wonderful and informative post by Mistress160. Mistress160 is compiling a series called; How to contact a dominant, and I urge any of you who plan to, or are currently in a position of contacting a dominant, to read it. In fact, it is a very interesting read for anybody and it is relevant to anyone, not just males.

"Mistress160 has put in an astounding amount of effort into compiling all the information. She has liaised with many experienced Mistresses who have shared their thoughts and wisdom as they address all the classic mistakes (mostly) males make in their eagerness in contacting a Woman to serve, and the etiquette that should be observed"
(Mistress Evita)

"Fantastic series Ms160, well written and researched. This article is SO needed in this lifestyle. I will be leaving this link every where. fingers crossed, my in box benefits from all your hard work and dedication"
(MissBonnie)

Please keep your feedback coming: as always its YOUR experiences and thoughts and questions and stories that make these BDSM For Beginners posts helpful to other kinksters. I'm just providing a vehicle for your voices!

BDSM For Beginners: How to Contact a Dominant: Introduction
(please read this Intro first!!)

BDSM For Beginners: How to Contact a Dominant: part 1 ("about you")
BDSM For Beginners: How to Contact a Dominant: part 2 ("self presentation")
BDSM For Beginners: How to Contact a Dominant: part 3 ("initiating contact")
BDSM For Beginners: How to Contact a Dominant: part 4 ("writing to a Dominant")
BDSM For Beginners: How to Contact a Dominant: part 5 ("waiting, rejection + success")

Many thanks:
Mistress Evita, Miss Bonnie
quietlisten, Sam, randy and AJ

"National Fetish Day - Perverts Wear Purple"

Monday 21st January 2008

Kinksters in the UK (who are dealing with an increasingly moralistic government - see footnote 3 below) have decided to hold a new event this year: "National Fetish Day - Perverts Wear Purple" on Monday 21 January 2008.

Some people like this sort of event. Others loathe it. But you know, for many of you living secret lives out there, the idea of wearing something purple on Monday, in solidarity with other "perverts" worldwide, sounds like a good idea to me. Time to dig through your wardrobe for something purple, and join me on Monday in support of us all being weird and wonderful! As organizers point out:

"Enjoy and be proud, it's ok to be you!"

Absolutely. Here's what it's all about:

"Back in October 2007, a discussion was started on an Informed Consent website forum board as to whether `fetish' should be allowed to have a National Day, considering that so many other causes and/or beliefs were celebrated with their own National Day. The discussion developed and the people contributing to th thread slowly started to furnish the idea. No committees or focus groups were formed. No meetings were held. No positions of responsibility were allocated. Instead, like-minded individuals from all walks of life, from all over the country contributed their feelings towards the idea of unity. Slowly the concept became more and more realistic.

"People decided that the vision of a National Fetish Day was something that could really happen. A date was chosen that gave enough time to spread the word of what the day stood for. The next big problem was as to how people with a fetish could celebrate their ideas and life choices; a slogan was born, "Perverts Wear Purple". Why purple? Purple is a colour that is heavily represented in BDSM/fet art, style and clothing. Purple is a colour that is still unusual enough to be different yet common enough to be deniable... so no-one wearing purple needs to be scared they are automatically outing themselves. Finally, it sounds good in a catchy slogan!

"So what exactly are we celebrating? Let's have a look at what a fetish is according to the Cambridge Dictionary:

"noun: a sexual interest in an object or a part of the body other than the sexual organs."(1)

"Should this then mean that National Fetish Day is for those people who have strict fetishes for feet/rubber/leather/shoes/etc? No, not at all. The beautiful thing about alternative lifestyle decisions is that it is made up of a community of online and offline people who see themselves as belonging to different types of sub-culture. As the Informed Consent dictionary puts it:

"Many people in the community enjoy the thrill of wearing rubber without having a strictly fetishistic attraction to it. Particularly people who are into BDSM use fetish imagery to enhance their deeper sexual need for dominance and submission."(2)

"If this is the case then ALL of our varied and diverse sub-cultures, interests and lifestyle choices have parts of them that overlap into others. The community is a living, thriving and most importantly, organic humanistic meeting of beliefs and ideas. If this is the case, then we can all stand together on this day and be proud of the safe and sane choices that we make as consenting adults.

"Why should we do anything in particular on this day? We often hear the word `community' used when speaking of BDSM and fetish. An open-minded and understanding community that is inclusive to all. `We' may claim to be inclusive to all but do others understand what we do and enjoy? Many, yes. Some, no. The British government is currently legislating to criminalise the possession of images - even if the pictures are of consenting fun and no-one was harmed(3). Media coverage and word of mouth has led to misunderstanding in some areas of the lifestyle choices that we make. We feel proud as a community that we are safe, sane and consenting adults who enjoy our activities in private, in professionally run National events or even just having a nice chat during informal social gatherings. By joining this fun `National Fetish Day – Perverts Wear Purple' event, you as an individual will be joined by fellow community people all over the country in saying `It's ok to enjoy what I enjoy' without damaging your `vanilla' identity or integrity.

"So imagine it. You're harming no-one by wearing an item of purple clothing on this day and you smile to yourself whenever you think *why* you're wearing it...BUT ... what will run through your mind when you see someone else wearing a purple item of clothing? Imagine this happening across the country at the same time on the same day. Everyone who contributed to the threads, everyone who secretly read
it on websites, everyone who heard about the idea and thought it would be a bit of fun. All these perverts, all over, all doing the same thing at the same time for the same reason.

"No, this simple act *isn't* going to change the world or laws or social way of thinking. However, I genuinely believe that it might make participants (or even those that have heard but don't join in) think about this sub-culture, what it is, what it means to us and feel a slight bit of unity.

"Enjoy and be proud, it's ok to be you!"

(1) Cambridge Dictionaries Online: http://dictionary.cambridge.org/
(2) Informed Consent BDSM Dictionary:
www..rmedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Fetish/
(3) backlash: http://www.backlash-uk.org.uk/

Even if you are unable to join in, why not visit the event organizers' website and leave a message of support in their Guestbook.

Latest Kink-E Magazine: review of articles on kinky mental health

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.