How to Find and Contact a Dominant Series - Introduction

Sonnets - Unrealities XI
by ~elided on deviantART

"How does one find a Mistress?
Probably by looking..."
MissyRane CollarME

"you have to understand that this is going to be
a looooooong process. You’re trying to find someone
to fit a very narrow set of specifications,
and you can’t just order her up from Nordstrom"
Mistress Matisse, 24 August 2007
From The Inbox series

"from the sheer frustration of finding the
right submissive male that actually will let
me be Dominant in my own fashion and
not his script I would say that it’s
equally hard to find a real submissive male"
(Mz.Carmen)

"Oh my God!" maymay exclaimed a while back, in response to a post by Ms Reciprocity:

"ironically, the very reason you just described (about finding it difficult to meet submissive men ...) is the very same reason I would cite as finding it difficult to meet dominant women..."

Whether sub, switch or dominant, we all face problems in our search for a BDSM partner. I have single kinky friends searching for life partners, who are beyond frustration with searching. But on the other hand I have other friends who met partners online reasonably quickly (including a dominant friend who married her partner - they met on CollarMe - a few months back).

It's the ultimate irony that while male subs despair when told of male sub / female dominant rations of up to 20:1 - or worse - female subs often feel "incredible outnumbered": "when i put myself back on the market", observed sweet_bits on MyDungeonSpace, "the volume of HNG mail became over-whelming". Yet at the same time male subs are bemoaning their single fate in chat rooms, I am surrounded by female dominant friends who simply cannot find a good sub.

Something is obviously going very wrong, somewhere.

Ah, the joys of communicating ... or NOT communicating, lol. Which is what this series of posts is all about.

Sure, we've all had experiences with rude dominants and rude subs of all genders. But you know, although I hate to admit it, a lot of the problems we face in our search for a partner come back to the fact we appear to be really lousy at communicating with each other. "i am NOT desperate", an exasperated sweet_bits informed the male dominants who contact her at MyDungeonSpace:

" i am not going to fuck you or submit to you simply because you deigned to contact me .... there is more to my submission than sucking your cock and being your whipping post ... do not inundate me with 1-2 line emails ... read my profile. please. we take the time to write them for a reason"

Female dominants often explode with similar frustration - here's a small extract of recent post by Lady Jadis:

"Well ... you can tell which individuals have actually read My personal information, as it is posted - as compared to those moronic idiots who haven't. Then there are those who just adding Me to satisfy their own urges - under the pretense of some sort of self satisfaction … while having no concept of what BDSM truly is - or can - mean. They're just contacting me for their own personal gratification ... like some lost little cyber puppy looking for his bone...

"Here's a news flash boys: a submissive is a mentality, a personality - not a God given right to hound every Mistress that comes across the screen! ... I am -NOT- here to entertain you ... I will not: train you, scene with you, command you or - god forbid … get you off!"

While I've been writing this contacting dominants series, several Dommes I respect and admire - including Mistress Matisse, Mistress Milliscent, Lady Myles and Elizabeth - have been posting about related issues. Mistress Matisse began a wonderful series on her blog called "From The Inbox" which often makes me laugh out loud even as I groan in sympathy (having received countless similar unsolicited messages myself). Her first post in the series (in July 2007) begins:

"Hmmnn, I'm feeling vicious today. I want to be mean to someone. Right NOW. That's easy. Just open the inbox, and presto!...

"Why [the writer] sent [the appallingly written attached letter to] me, I have no idea. The very smallest amount of research would indicate that I'm going to fillet him here on the public blog, but perhaps he'll enjoy the attention"

"It always amazes me the sorts of things some men think are attractive to a dominant woman", notes Lady Myles, in a post responding to a message in her own inbox:

"There are submissive males that do really get it, that by courting a dominant much like they'd court a vanilla woman (albeit with the addition of kink) is an effective way to get some of their dreams and fantasies fulfilled.

"Then there are others, the ones that absolutely don't get the concept that a dominant is just a human that happens to enjoy activities that are outside the realm of "normal" interaction..."

And then there are the women ... "a lot is made out of how men don't read personal ads very closely, but my experience says that women are just as bad", my MyDungeonSpace friend MinofSin emails me. And of course then there are the over the top communications sent out by - usually inexperienced - female dominants, don't get me started, quoting examples of those, lol. Maymay even recently posted an example of a message he received from a gay Dom, which he found:

"interesting because it's an example of a gay man doing it. I don't think that's something a lot of people realize happens, or if they do realize it happens, don't realize just how similarly pathetic and stupid it is as all the straight women (and straight men!) who do similar things.

"It's at least illuminating to see the cold, hard copy-and-pasted evidence that this shit goes on regardless of sexual orientation"

So WHY do we get the contacting / communicating bit so wrong?

I've seen so many posts like the one below:

"Searching for that special Mistress has been long road. I have met a few I would love the chance to serve. I think they know who they are. Wish someone would take the time to give me a chance and get to know me as a person before just saying I dont think were right for each other. I know given the chance I can make a Mistress very happy"

I'm sure the sub who posted this on My Dungeon Space is a really nice guy. And his post is sincere. But on the other hand he has been a member of MDS for three months and has not filled in his profile or interacted on the site in any way: he has no friends, his guest book is empty, he has joined no groups and has not been active on either the forum or chat rooms. Worse, he appears unaware that MDS is not specifically a dating site.

And this is a common online example. We don't put the work in, we don't read or fill out profiles, or interact on sites, but when we spot someone we like we expect an instant fix. We want that dominant to take us on NOW, despite the fact they don't know us. And when they say no, we are confused and indignant. "Wish someone would take the time to give me a chance and get to know me as a person before just saying I don't think were right for each other", writes the sub above. But did he take the time to get to know the dominant he contacted, BEFORE he contacted HER?

Sometimes our responses to such rejections are extremely rude. Why?? "I think what we all tend to forget is that we are talking about relationships, real people, real feelings. real risks", writes sweet_bits. Absolutely. But I also agree with Carrie Ann that there is a lot of confusion not only about HOW to contact someone, but WHO should contact WHO:

"I think male submissives have it much harder than females. The whole process is different. Male Dominants usually pursue the female submissive. It seems to be the opposite in the Female Dominant/male submissive arena. I don't know if I think that's a good thing. In keeping with the power structure I think it works better when the Dominant is the pursuer. And yet, traditionally, men chase women. So I think it's confusing for male subs AND for a lot of Dommes"

So in this BDSM For Beginners series of posts we are going to demystify the problem of contacting dominants.

But I need to make one thing clear right now. I shouldn't even be writing about this topic, because it's solutions are so simple - what CaptainTripps (prefacing a comment on subs not reading dominants' profiles to a post by Richard Evans Lee) once called:

"very far in “no duh” territory ... SO obvious that it isn’t even worth saying. Hell, those guys probably aren’t even reading this site anyway".

I feel rather the same with this series. To be quite honest all the information you need is in this introduction. But I made a promise to several of you, and others have reminded me that my BDSM For Beginners series is just that: for beginners.

So I have gone right back to basics with this one. If you are a regular reader here, but not looking for a dominant partner - or feel confident in your current search for that partner - I suggest you skip these posts. Because they are purely instructive; worse: they require homework, lol.

You might find some of the tasks I'm going to set you tedious, you might find some sections a tad obscure, and you are going to be VERY bored of my constantly telling you to be patience. But. If you are new to BDSM, and facing this problem, then by the end of the series - if you do the homework and put in the effort - you will understand not only specifically what you want in a kinky relationship, but what you want in a dominant. Which means you will know the right dominants to approach, and how to approach them, and your attempts at contacting them will be more successful.

The thing to always keep in mind, on this journey we are about to undertake together - whatever your gender or kinky orientation - is that the journey itself is an important part of your personal growth. "Sometimes I feel like searching for the perfect sub can be a process of searching for yourself and learning and growing as a dominant", writes Psychosis, and MinofSin agrees:

"Seriously, I think when searching for someone, you are searching for that compliment to yourself. You are looking for someone who can add to what you already have or are. So yes, in a way, I can see it being a search for ones self.

"Every sub or slave I have had has taught me valuable lessons, both about myself, about the details of dominance and submission, and about the lifestyle in general. I think if we ever stop learning and growing, we do everyone, especially ourselves a disservice"

POSTSCRIPT INSERTED JANUARY 2008:

I'm adding a note in here, regarding how this series has been received. You can read a post featuring comments and reviews here. Just to summarize, responses - from both dominants and submissives - have been overwhelmingly positive ... so apologies to those of you who pressed to me to write this series; yes you were right, there WAS a need for it lol.

I won't repeat all the feedback you will find in the link above, but here are a couple to give you an idea, as I think its important for people searching for partners to read. From a dominant perspective, Mistress Evita writes:

"I want to direct your attention to this wonderful and informative post by Mistress160. Mistress160 is compiling a series called; How to contact a dominant, and I urge any of you who plan to, or are currently in a position of contacting a dominant, to read it. In fact, it is a very interesting read for anybody and it is relevant to anyone, not just males.

"Mistress160 has put in an astounding amount of effort into compiling all the information. She has liaised with many experienced Mistresses who have shared their thoughts and wisdom as they address all the classic mistakes (mostly) males make in their eagerness in contacting a Woman to serve, and the etiquette that should be observed"

From a submissive viewpoint, quietlisten provides the following thoughtful review:

"F$#%ing wow ... I'm floored by the effort that is so obvious throughout the series, from the overall structure (unusual in a blog) to the careful enumeration of options in various situations. It just exudes thought and care.

"One of the greatest strengths of the work is the way you've paired "here's what you should/shouldn't do" with "here are the consequences and what it looks like through the other person's eyes." That's far more persuasive than a rule book approach. There are people on the other end of communications and they respond best by being treated like (drum roll...) people!

"The quotes from Dommes and other subs made me feel like this is a dance we are all in together, not a competition. A few months looking can turn anyone into a jaded cynic, and it's great therapy to understand the viewpoint from the other side of the search. In fact, the "needle in a haystack" comment motivated me to not only want to be the needle, but to be the FOUND needle. The last part of the series has a satisfyingly positive ring to it.

"Speaking very personally, I've always felt that I was the odd man out in any BDSM situation or discussion because I didn't have any real interest in a sneering bitch who would whip me. This series is so well grounded in real people without the "here's how you're doing it wrong" flavor that those of us on the margins of the lifestyle could be convinced to look more carefully and with a broader mind.

"Again, speaking just for myself, I'm probably going to change my tactics in my search. I kind of stopped thinking of it as a search about a year ago, and I feel more satisfied now. Your series helped me understand why that might be. I'll let you know if and when I find the Domme of my dreams, and you can take full credit ... if she lets you!

"I can't thank you enough for this series. I know from the sub male's perspective how valuable this advice is. I appreciate all the work you put into it. If I'm ever in Oz, I promise a great big giant hug"

BACK TO ORIGINAL POST:

This series is written primarily with a male sub / female dominant slant, with the help of friends like MinofSin and many others to fill in other gaps. Like all posts in my BDSM For Beginners series, these posts will be constantly updated to include new information, so if you would like to share your own experiences and thoughts on this subject, please drop me a line.

(for those of you having a bit of a smirk that I'm taking five posts to cover "contacting dominants", you'll be interested to know a Chicago based group of Dommes recently held a series of seminars on "Find[ing] the Domme of your dreams" and broke up each week's seminar in a similar manner!)

Here are some of the issues we are going to look at:

In part 1 ("about you"):

• what you want (from BDSM)
  
• getting beyond dominant stereotypes and meaningless validation
• online safety
  
• what dominants want
• what you want (from a dominant)
  

In part 2 ("self presentation"):

• where to find dominants
  
• how to get them to notice you
• online names / avatars
• personal ads / online profiles
• the blogosphere
• adult social network sites
• virtual world social networking sites

In part 3 ("initiating contact"):

• who should contact who
• initiating real time contact with a dominant
• initiating online contact with a dominant
• the pros and cons of sending dominants photos
  
• writing submission requests to dominants - practicalities
  

In part 4 ("writing to dominants"):

• examples of what NOT to write - and why
  
• examples of what to write - and why it worked
• posts by dominants about the messages they receive
  
• an exercise for those wanting to try drafting a message

In part 5 ("waiting, rejection + success"):

• how to cope with the waiting (to hear back)
  
• reasons for rejection
• when to have a break from searching
  
• seeking a professional dominant
  
• how to reply when dominants write back
• how to respond when a dominant contacts YOU
• maintaining a D/s relationship
  
• online resources

Ready? Then let's start on this journey together...

References for Introduction:
(full online resource list published in part 5)

CarrieAnn - FemSubStartingPlace
Lady Jadis Word of Warning
Lady Myles It always amazes me...
may may - FetishLore and Stupid stupid gay tops are just as bad as other men and women
MinofSin - correspondence with Ms160
Mistress Matisse From the Inbox (letters)
sweet_bits Some simple recommendations on first contacts
tacit post on MDS' When Do you Give up?

Thank You's for the
Contacting Dominants series:

While all BDSM For Beginners posts are collaborative efforts,
this series was especially so. Sincere thanks as always to everyone
who contacted me with experiences and ideas,
as well as:
Mistress Milliscent , Lady Myles
Mistress Matisse, Elizabeth, Eileen,
Richard Evans Lee Mrs Claudia
devastating, joreth
Mistress Tich
kim[MJ]
and friends at:
FetishLore
(Quesera, switch, Ms Reciprocity, Tom Allen,
JustMiss, may may, roo-roo and quietlisten),
FSSP (here's your "more fame, oh yay" credit, CarrieAnn!)
CollarMe (MistressKay, Stef, AAkasha)
CollarNCuffs (Miss Bonnie and Miss Bitch)
and MyDungeonSpace
(sweet_bits, billc393, lei_da tacit, myraanken, pickin_grinnin ,
Vic, skyey, LadyUrsa, underwhere, Flaming_Redhead
and last but never least, lol: MinofSin)

Photo:
Sonnets - Unrealities XI
by ~elided on deviantART)

Part 16: How to find and contact a Dominant - waiting, rejection + success

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Part 15: How to find and contact a Dominant - writing to dominants

ghost's typewriter
by ~cela-me-va-bien on deviantART

trust me - the written word and approach
are very revealing ... trust your instincts
sweet_bits

FROM SUB:
hello **** plz make me your slave.
whip me nd embarrass me nd ill b ur
bitch nd follow ur every command

COMMENT FROM DOMINANT:
I replied to him politely and told he might benefit from Ms160
latest article on how to contact a Domme and gave him the link
surprise he read it, he did his research but must of gotten
about half way through LOL he then sent the same message to me
on three other sites, at least he researched where I go
Just goes to show with a little help some subbies can ALMOST improve
Miss Bonnie

This is the fourth post in my BDSM For Beginners educational series on how to contact dominants. If you are new to this series, please read the Introduction first.

In part 1 we looked at ways to work out your own needs and desires, so you can begin to establish what you want in a dominant - knowing the right dominants to approach means your attempts at contacting them will be more successful. In part 2 we explored how to find dominants and how to present yourself so that they notice you. In part 3 we examined informal and formal ways of initiating contact, and practicalities of writing.

In this post we'll look at examples of real letters to dominants:

• examples of what NOT to write
• examples of good letters
• posts by dominants about the messages they receive
• an exercise for those wanting to try drafting a message

In the final post we'll discuss how to cope waiting to hear from dominants, how to deal with rejection - and how to reply when dominants respond, or contact you direct.

Examples of what NOT to write:

"Please - seriously - show the subs reading this
the kind of messages we constantly receive"

This post has been added at the request of dominants - including myself - who'd like you to experience a small section of their daily mail, so you can see why so much unsolicited correspondence frustrates them / gets deleted upon receipt / takes time to sort and respond.

Keep in mind when you read this section that the majority of mail we receive is from non kinky men simply writing to be rude ("u ned a hard fuck dommo bitch, my cock will fix u") or wanting kinky sex. I'm not bothering to include examples of these.

The following messages are from men and women who believe themselves to be submissive. How they write is typical of the kind of mail we regularly receive every day, en masse. These are recent examples (most unsolicited, a few in response to personal ads) received by myself and Dom/me friends, including Elizabeth's fake profile. Each message is followed by a "what's wrong" comment (with comments collated from several dominants) and in some cases a further section with comments by the dominant it was sent to.

Reading these carefully will mean you will avoid making similar errors when you write.

nyc slave 54 fit trained

WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Spelling / grammar errors. Doesn't address dominant's criteria (ie, the dominant's kinky interests, preferences or statements regarding how they'd like to be contacted / applications be sent, etc)

hi Ma'am , i really wanna be ur slave , to serve and obey u , be ur servant , even ur dog Ma'am . am 20 male Ma'am . am a begenner Ma'am , so i don't know my limits but i believe that i can push any for my mistress , MA'am

WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Spelling / grammar errors. Doesn't address dominant's criteria. Unrealistic offer / request ("can push any [limits]") made to complete stranger (result= reduces sub's credibility)

Hello, I'm an experienced, obedient sub/slave in central NJ. I'm 6'1", physically fit, D/D free, non smoker. I'd like to serve you any way that you'd like . Please write

WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Doesn't address dominant's criteria. Pressures for response. Unrealistic offer / request ("serve you any way that you'd like") made to complete stranger

hey Mitress id love to be yrs 24/7 no limits

WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Spelling / grammar errors. Doesn't address dominant's criteria. Unrealistic offer / request ("love to be yrs 24/7 no limits) made to complete stranger

Hello, i have not seen You here before on [...]. i am seriously looking to serve and please a dominant woman. serving and pleasing is my utmost desire. wWhile You have not written anything, i have responded as i am very attracted to tall slim women which You appear to be. i would love to hear from You.

WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Spelling / grammar errors. No useful info provided. Unrealistic offer / request

Are You looking for a sub?

WHAT'S WRONG: Obviously the dominant is looking for a sub. Obviously you know they are looking for a sub. Otherwise why are you writing to them? If you are interested in a dominant and don't know if they are looking, then find out before you write. If they are not looking for a sub, don't write. Go back to the other posts in this series and explore other ways to bring yourself to their attention.

Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Doesn't address dominant's criteria. No information about applicant.

u sound ok as a domme so send me your complet mesurements IMMEDIATELY so i can see if u are what i want. And DONT LIE. fat pig dommes that lie about their fat are just the lowest

WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Spelling / grammar errors. Insults Domme. Doesn't address dominant's criteria. Pressures for response.

Greetings Ma'am ,,may Wwe talk ?

WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Spelling errors. No info about applicant. Ignores dominant's criteria (which in this case stated the Domme doesn't IM or chat because of different time zones). Nothing wrong with asking a dominant if you can chat with them, just make sure they DO chat and that your message is courteous.

Sir i really LIK your profile hear please tell me how do yo will help me serve u i am hapy to be BBW sex slave than yr bitch wife. contact me

WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Spelling / grammar errors. Ignores dominant's criteria (offers as sex slave when in this case the Dom's profile was clear sex was not part of his BDSM practice; also ignores dominant's preferred form of address). Pressures for response. Insults Dom's wife.

hi mistress can i serve you some time?

WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. No grammar. Doesn't address dominant's criteria. No information about applicant. Unspecific offer, made to a complete stranger

title: im ur slave
message: please humilate me mistress my little cock and ass is urs

WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Spelling / grammar errors. Ignores dominant's criteria (information was available that she was not interested in Small Penis Humiliation. Also ignores that Domme's profile said she was not seeking subs)

Hello Mistress, I am a mature slave dog with no limits,have been in the lifestyle all my life,i am now uncollared and unbranded,i wish to serve a mistress 24/7 i am single and unattached ... would now like to relocate ...are you interested mistress i will serve and worship you

WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Doesn't address dominant's criteria (in this case ignored the fact the dominant's profile said she was already in a D/s marriage and not looking for a sub, as well as ignored specific directions re how to contact her). Unrealistic request ("no limits").

COMMENT FROM RECEIVING DOMME: "This message sent immediately warning bells. No sub with significant experience ("have been in the lifestyle all my life") will claim "no limits". Rather, they will provide a list of them, both soft and hard, along with their interests. Its also a form letter. I HATE form letters, lol".

Remember Mistress Matisse (from her From The Inbox series, July 2007) on form letters?:

"This email [quoted on blog] has the distinct whiff of a form letter. I suspect that the writer CC's it to ladies on the various BDSM personal ads sites. (Probably without regard to whether they identify as dominant or submissive - men on those sites often do that. Post a cute picture, and no matter what you say about yourself, some guy will write you and say, no, no, you just don't understand that it's your true nature to be a stern Mistress/helpless slave!

"Or they'll just ignore your text completely and address you as if you already are what they want you to be"

Morning.....I am a attractive,professional submissive male seeking to serve and understand the female supremacy. I am in [city] and wish to find a lady who demands her man is obedient and wishes to and train him as she ses fit. I appreciate your reponse and hope to talk. Thank you [name]

WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Spelling / grammar errors. Ignores dominant's criteria (the dominant had female supremacy listed in her profile as a hard limit, lol).

Am sorry ma'm. I was wandering if i could apply for being a personal slave of a [country name] mistress in any way. I saw you on [site name] and was immediatly aroused. I am [personal details]. You do with me what you will. Please Respond !!

WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Spelling / grammar errors. Doesn't address dominant's criteria (re sub application instructions, amongst other things). Pressures for response. No useful info about applicant. Unrealistic offers.

COMMENT FROM RECEIVING DOMINANT: "I'm sure he's a nice guy but writing this sort of letter, he can't expect to be taken seriously. To offer to move half away around the world for a woman he has never even spoken to, or seen - and who's profile says is not looking? Dominants just lose interest when they receive this sort of thing. A courteous and realistic introduction letter will get subs much further"

“Hey Mistress, I am very new this. I think you’re gorgeous, can we chat?”

WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Form letter. Doesn't address dominant's criteria.

COMMENT FROM RECEIVING DOMINANT: "I wouldn’t call them letters, more, ‘form text messages’ ... at the moment I just delete them and don’t bother to reply"

Mistress

First i am a new sub guy, looking to learn all about BDSM. i havent had much experinace, but jkeen to learn, sounds if you might know abit about this, so be good to read what you say etc, and some day put into practise. can you point me inthe direction , so i can read an learn more, would muchly appriciate it, i would really like to talk to you and learn from you , hope to hear from you soon,

WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. Spelling / grammar errors. Pressures for response.

COMMENT FROM RECEIVING DOMINANT: "I'm always happy to hear from subs interested in education, but in this case the info he wanted (links to my site) were provided on my profile, so he hadn't read it. He received a response from my mail sub giving the info again, we never heard back. If he had truly wanted a dialogue with me, all it would have taken was a thank you message to my mail sub".

Hi Mistress,

i was wondering if you enjoy teasing and denial? My record is 30 days of denial. If you think that controlling my cock and orgasms would be fun, then please write me back.

Thank you

WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. The message is too familiar.

COMMENT FROM RECEIVING DOMINANT: "This is a polite message, decent grammar and spelling and all, although as a form letter it's obviously gone out to every Mistress on the website. It's the subject. I mean, if he met me on the street for the first time would his first words be "hi, want to control my cock and orgasms?". Just because I'm dominant he thinks he can speak to me like this? He should treat a Mistress like a real person not an online fantasy!"

Hello there,
How are you today? I am a submissive male, age [..], from [...]. I know it is about what you desire and how I can please you. I know you may not like a "laundry list" from me but its more for you to see if we have some common interests and if we should chat or act further with them. By no means am I telling you what I want or what has to be done that is for you to decide. However, some of the things I have done/tried and want to experience are [...] I would love to be used and humiliated for your pleasure, discliplined anyway you desire. I have also recently had some interest in [...]. I am open to much, Do you have any [...]

Hope to hear from you soon!

P.S. IM address
email address
AIM address

WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Opening sentences too familiar. Not signed. Spelling errors. Form letter. Therefore, doesn't address the dominant's criteria

COMMENT FROM RECEIVING DOMINANT: "This message provides a classic example of why subs should avoid form letters. The sub obviously went to some effort to write this, but it's just not what a dominant wants to hear. The line about "I know you may not like a "laundry list" from me but its more for you to see if we have some common interests and if we should chat or act further with them" really irritated me: this man is contacting ME. Why am I having to check whether his interests match mine?

"He should have checked our interests matched before writing. But of course this is a form letter. If he'd written to me personally (addressed me by name) and expressed an interest in me personally (rather than as one of many dominants he's sent the letter to) he would have had my attention. As it is, his obsequious tone just irritates me".

Hello my Lady

I am currently looking to serve at my Lady's whim and I am available to immediately meet you ... I can spend numerous hours serving you as your sex slave, personal and house slave as well as your partner in many things. I can cook, clean, massage you, bathe you, give you pedicures, foot and body massages, financial advise...

I have been somewhat in the lifestyle but I am yerning to truly belong to someone ... Please consider me at least for an interview and I do promise you will be happy that you did. I am eagerly awaiting your responce on ****... you may call me now if you wish.

Thank you, I remain your humble servant. [name]

WHAT'S WRONG: Interestingly several of the subs I showed this to thought the letter a good one. If you did as well, then make sure you take on board the following points that irritated dominants.

This is a classic example of what Mistress Matisse terms:

"the Panty-Washer type of guy – someone who at first tries to convince you that his fetish is all about your pleasure. But upon closer examination, it’s all about his fetish. That doesn’t surprise me. I know when I hear someone say “I want to do whatever pleases you, Mistress”, I always mentally add, “…as long as it’s something I find erotic.” ... don’t play manipulative games and pretend that you're just doing something for her."

Doesn't address the dominant by name. Spelling / grammar errors. Smarmy, ungenuine tone. The sentence "I have been somewhat in the lifestyle" sends up alerts to a dominant that actual experience levels are being dodged. Pressures for response.

Ignores dominant's criteria (offers himself as a "sex slave, personal and house slave as well as your partner in many things" and lists in detail many intimate services, when the dominant is not seeking a sexual or life partner, or a "financial adviser". This is presumptuous). As Mistress Matisse points out, in response to receiving something similar in her mailbox:

"see, this is why many women would say no to allowing a strange man even limited erotic access to their bodies – give them a foot, they’ll take a pussy"!

i am sitting here naked mistress about to drop some hot wax on my cock i really hope you take me on

WHAT'S WRONG: Doesn't address the dominant by name. Not signed. No grammar. Doesn't address dominant's criteria. The message is too familiar.

COMMENT BY RECEIVING DOMME: "From a complete stranger, this message had waaaay too much information, lol. He sent six messages in one day, then changed identity twice and tried repeatedly to contact me over the next month, after receiving rejection from my mail sub. He also posted a blog on MDS that was worded to make other members think I'd taken him on. I can't think of a faster way to turn a Dominant's attention off".

Goodevening Mistress, I am ** years of age and a student here at ***. I have no experience of BDSM, but am a willing an devoted learner, ready to be nurtured into the exact slave you want.
Thank you for your time, Yours Obediantly

WHAT'S WRONG: This one is interesting. He makes a lot of mistakes (doesn't address the dominant by name. Spelling errors. etc). He also included a photo, which can go either way, in terms of interesting a dominant. In this case the photo (he was young and cute!) and his being clear about his inexperience attracted the Domme's interest. So it just goes to show, if you put the effort into contacting the right Domme, even with mistakes you can have success.

COMMENT BY RECEIVING DOMME: this was one of Elizabeth's fake profile responses. She writes: "I had to slap myself and remember I'm not looking!".

Examples of what TO write:

I'm sure you've had enough of the letters above, but it was well worth your time to read them as you can now avoid similar errors. Time for something positive. Let's look at some real letters that dominants liked, and that may have resulted in a sub being taken on. Read these equally carefully.

The first is by a male sub friend contacting Dommes via CollarMe. He focused on contacting women who's:

"profiles screamed "competent, compassionate, and dominant." They are geographically dispersed and/or are in a relationship, but each has turned out to be wonderful to know on line".

Dear [name],

While I don't reach out to a lot of women on this site, your profile really caught my attention because your Likes list shows you are both a thinker and doer. You also understand a submissive male's need to please.

I am searching for a woman I can serve in ways that bring us both great happiness. I see such a relationship as having all the closeness of a traditional relationship but with an added level of D/s commitment. I often imagine an ideal future in which we journey together, our power exchange concealed from those who see us, yet neither of us able to forget it.

I can't tell a lot from your profile, but if you decide to look at mine and want to chat more, please let me know what additional information I can provide. Either way, have a wonderful day.

Best Wishes,

WHATS RIGHT: Addressed the Domme by name. Signed with author's name. Spelling and grammar good. Pleasant, polite tone. Has very little info on dominant's profile but tries hard with what he has, and also provides info on what submission means to him personally. This reassures the dominant that he is a genuine sub, and thoughtful about his own nature, and what type of relationship he is looking for.

WHAT'S WRONG: Nothing really wrong in this case, but keep in mind if you are contacting a dominant outside the US that some American colloquialisms may appear too familiar. I'd replace the "if you decide to look at [my profile] and want to chat more", with "if my profile is of interest, please let me know what additional info", etc - this removes pressure to respond.

The next letter is from a female sub to a Dom she found intriguing on MyDungeonSpace.

Dear Master [name],

I hope you don't mind my writing to you. I'm new to BDSM. I saw your [site name] profile and there was something about your photo, you seemed both kind and stern. And then I met your sub c** in the chat room. It was so interesting to hear how your interests are similar to mine, although of course my (submissive) journey has only just begun.

I have been hoping to find someone who I could contact now and then about BDSM issues that confuse or trouble me, and I wondered if I might write to you, or whether you could advise me who to contact?

Please give my best regards to c**.

Yours sincerely,
[name]

WHATS RIGHT:Addressed Dom by name. Signed with author's name. Spelling and grammar good. Courteous tone. Compliments Dom. Mentions similar interests and a connection with Dom (via sub, who she purposely sought out in the chat room and made friends with).

COMMENT FROM RECEIVING DOM: "I liked her courteous tone, and that fact she'd gone to the trouble to speak to my subs - it showed forward planning and the ability to take a risk. I also liked that she didn't push to be taken on as a sub, but suggested I act as an adviser / mentor. Obviously she hoped this would lead to other things - which it did"

The next letter is also by a female sub, writing to a female dominant:

Dear M ***,

My name is [real name]. We met last year at [site name], and once in the [site name] chatroom as [name]. That was such a great scene, your sub [name] was so funny. After you left, when we were the only girls there, I swear she controlled all the boys in the room!

I know you are not taking subs on at the moment, but the boys in the chat room always claimed you had a waiting list. I wondered how I might get my name on that? I've not filled out a formal request to serve (as per your blog's instructions for subs), I thought I'd wait to hear whether it was required for waiting list members. Hope that was the right thing to do.

Best regards
[first name]

WHAT'S RIGHT: Addressed Domme by name. Signed with author's name. Spelling and grammar good. Courteous tone. Compliments the Domme and her sub.

COMMENT FROM RECEIVING DOMME: "She used my name which almost never happens! Her tone was courteous, she'd obviously spell checked (also rare). I appreciated her reminding me when we met (extra points for remembering to provide her name from that site). She showed awareness of my sub contact instructions and gives a reason why she has not followed them. I responded that she was welcome to reply, and ended up taking her on early in 2007 when I had a vacancy in my sub stable".

Posts by dominants (and subs!) about messages:

• For an example of a message - in response to a profile - the dominant in question (devastating) thought "a pretty high quality response, and I definitely wrote back ... things haven’t proceeded very far with this guy, but we might still meet, I think", as well as examples of mail devastating didn't respond to, see her blog post here.

• To read Mistress Matisse's From The Inbox series (which includes her views on some seriously BAD examples of letters, lol) click here.

• To read Lady Myles' response to a "fairly articulate, which leads me to believe that reformation is possible" message, click here.

• Maymay's post about a gay dom message he received is here.

• Elizabeth's CollarMe "experiment" here.

• Lady Jadis' Word of Warning.

• An ongoing Fetish Lore thread with some of Ms160's favorite messages, and comments: How NOT to contact a new Mistress

Today's homework: want to try writing a letter to a dominant?

If you are serious about giving this a go, and want help with creating a letter, here's a golden opportunity. I'll help anyone who wants to try.

Rather than apply to me - as that gets too confusing - lets use as a test base the post Mistress Milliscent published last July:

"I am currently seeking a housebitch to serve and pamper me. A person capable of finding joy and fulfillment in sublimating his or her own wants, needs, and desires in favor of mine. A person capable of thriving in a strictly controlled and disciplined environment.

"The successful applicant would find me to be sadistic, cruel, selfish, and controlling in my use of him or her. The successful applicant would also however find me to be fun, caring, and loving. It would be twisted indeed"

So: what you send me, Ms160, will be an letter addressed to Mistress Milliscent. It's okay, Mistress Milliscent does not expect your letters to be passed on to her (unless you'd like to really apply, in which case send your letter to her direct). This is a test ONLY.

However, that still means that you need to do your homework about Mistress Milliscent, so that you have enough info to make your test letter credible. You'll need to visit her site, her blog etc. Obviously most of you will not be close enough geographically to apply for a real time position, so pretend you are about to move to Seattle.... remember you need to be convincing re how much you want this position.

Either include your letter in a comment at the end of this post or via a private message at FetishLore or MyDungeonSpace, or leave a comment with an email address where I can reach you, if you'd prefer your letter to be looked at privately.

Good luck!

See you in part 5, when we'll look at:

• how to cope with the waiting (to hear back from dominants)
  
• reasons for rejection
• when to have a break from searching
  
• seeking a professional dominant
  
• how to reply when dominants write back
  
• how to respond when a dominant initiates contact with you
  
• online resources

Thank You's for the
Contacting Dominants series:

While all BDSM For Beginners posts are collaborative efforts,
this series was especially so. Sincere thanks as always to everyone
who contacted me with experiences and ideas,
as well as:
Mistress Milliscent , Lady Myles
Mistress Matisse, Elizabeth Eileen,
Richard Evans Lee Mrs Claudia
devastating, joreth
Mistress Tich
Master Joe's kim
and friends at:
FetishLore
(Quesera, switch, Ms Reciprocity, Tom Allen,
JustMiss, may may, roo-roo and quietlisten),
FSSP (here's your "more fame, oh yay" credit, CarrieAnn!)
CollarMe (MistressKay, Stef, AAkasha)
CollarNCuffs (Miss Bonnie and Miss Bitch)
and MyDungeonSpace
(sweet_bits, billc393, lei_da tacit, myraanken, pickin_grinnin ,
Vic, skyey, LadyUrsa, underwhere, Flaming_Redhead
and last but never least, lol: MinofSin)

Photo:
ghost's typewriter
by ~cela-me-va-bien on deviantART

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