Sunday, January 25, 2009

Making Female Led Relationships work 24/7

I'd like to introduce regular readers on my BDSM for Beginners blog to my friends Mistress Amor and poppet. Their names will be a bit familiar, probably because Mistress Amor kindly acted as a judge on my latest cross dressing contest The Ultimate Kinky Showgirl Contest - and poppet won it - there he is above, looking fabulous in the winning photo!

So why this introduction right now?

Mistress Amor and poppet provide a great example of a couple who desired a Female Led relationship and made it happen. Now if you are new to all things kinky and fascinated by topics like Femdom and Female Led Relationships, it can sometimes be difficult to locate examples of couples living the type of lifestyle you fantasize about. And it's important to search for those couples, because you need to discover whether your fantasies can be translated into reality.

Can you actually make a Female Led Relationship work 24/7? Yes. You can.

But to do so you and your partner will need to put a lot of work into establishing and discussing your individual needs, and how these can be met - and meshed - into a working FLR. This is what you will discover when you read other blogs by couples who practice their unique form of FLR. This is what my friends Mistress Amor and poppet have achieved: a relationship that works. You can read more about that relationship on poppet's blog. But for now, they have kindly allowed me to xpost "A Day in the Life", in which poppet shares with you the priceless gift of hard earned self knowledge:
"When Owner first moved in with me, almost two years ago now, we quickly both realised that neither of us wanted a 'normal' relationship with a little BDSM thrown-in. Rather, what we wanted to strive towards was a Female-led relationship. Around that time i spent a fair amount of time researching blogs, websites and books on the subject to try and establish some sense of how such a Female-led relationship might practicably work.

"Of course, i was, as i now realise, going about this entirely the wrong way! The essence of the relationship that would work for us would be decided and developed by Owner What i should have been doing was to really think through the things that Owner did as part of Her own routine and activities and try to see how i could take on some of these duties and activities for Her, to give Her more time to relax. In short, i'd overlooked the essential element of any Female-led relationship - namely it's not what others do or the fantasies i, as a submissive, may have, but is about what my Owner would like and how i might make Her life more comfortable. Owner does indulge me by playing with and torturing me, but this is when She wants to.

"Anyway, i digress. As i was saying i realised that i had gone about things the wrong way. However, reading about how other such couples in Female-led relationships structured their lives and the routines they had developed was still extremely helpful. It gave me some ideas of things that might please Owner if i incorporated them into my daily schedule as well as a sense of what to strive towards. The following, therefore, is really written with the thought of me as i was two years ago in mind. It is my daily routine and i write it in the hope that it may be of some use/interest to another newby sub just starting their own Female-led relationship in sparking some ideas or thoughts about ways they too could serve their own Dominant Female.

"However, before i go on to outline my routine i should say from the outset that this is merely what works for us, others will and should develop their own routines that best suit their own relationships. i should also say that i am conscious that i still have an awful lot of training and development ahead of me (a lifetimes worth) if i am ever to hope to begin to serve my Owner in the manner in which She truly deserves. But this is where i am now in my development. Hopefully in my next 6 monthly appraisal and contract review (due imminently) Owner will grant me some additional duties and activities to further develop my training.

"The following is my daily (weekday) routine, which as i said earlier, i hope might be of some use/interest to other males or their Female Dommes just starting out to develop their own Female-led relationship:
  • 06.00: Wake up - put on collar and cuffs and skimpy dressing-gown
  • 06.05-06.30: Prepare Owners breakfast and my own. All my own meals are eaten from a dog bowl - though normally i am allowed to eat at the table. Wash-up dishes and put away.
  • 06.30-06.35: Put out food on bird table (my neighbours must certainly chuckle if they see me - shackled and dressed in a skimpy dressing gown and heels wandering around the garden at this time of day!) + feed goldfish in aquariums
  • 06.35-07.15: Put Owners mobile onto charge. Prepare Owners packed lunch for work then my own. Make bed and clean toilet and bathroom sink when Owner has finished in bathroom. Ensure Owner has a book to read for Her journey to work.
  • 07.15: Kiss Owner goodbye.
  • 07.15-08.30: Text owner to advise what knickers i will be wearing that day under my work clothes and receive any instructions i may have from Her. Think about what to make for dinner in evening and ensure we have the ingredients. Log onto internet and check emails etc. Have shower, shave and get dressed. Do some hoovering or other light cleaning. Check flat looks relatively tidy and things are put away. Update submission diary and journal.
  • 08.30ish: Remove collar and cuffs and depart for work
  • Lunchtime: Get any shopping we may need
  • 18.30ish: Return from work. Greet Owner by kneeling before Her and kissing her feet. Make Owner a cup of tea.
  • 18.45ish: Put on make-up and feminine clothes to look pretty for Owner. Put collar and cuffs back on.
  • 19.00 - 19.45: Start preparing dinner, my own served as usual in a dog bowl. Chat to Owner then wash-up and put dishes away.
  • 19.45-21.30: Do some cleaning in the flat, prepare any stocks etc that we may need for forthcoming meals, do some clothes washing if needed. Be at Owners disposal if required. Supervised removal of chastity device for cleaning if needed etc.
  • 21.30-22.00: Lick/suck Owners feet clean and give Owner a foot massage.
  • 22.00: Snuggle up together in bed.
"Weekends are similar except that neither of us need to work, i get to dress en femme all day (at home and outside) and wear nail polish and we have time to do the things we both enjoy. Others little things that i try to ensure i now always do/offer are to get fresh flowers for the flat on a weekly basis and give Owner a weekly pedicure.

"Whether or not any of the above is of interest/use to anyone else i don't know. i just know that it was just this sort of information/ideas i was searching for two years ago when we first started out on our Female-led relationship and so hope it may be of some interest to someone".
It certainly will be. To many people. Thank you :).

poppet is right in saying that the routine above is "what works for us ... others will and should develop their own routines that best suit their own relationships". This is so true and so important. I envy poppet and Mistress Amor their daily routines. I'd love to have sol do some of these things, but I've learned from many years of living with the man that he does not function in any capacity unless he has very strong coffee poured into him in bed in the morning.

I've had other dominants say to me "you get your sub COFFEE in the morning??? Are you mad???". Nope. Just practical. Sol's and my relationship works BECAUSE I make him coffee every morning, and because I get him up and out the door and on the way to work while his mind is still half awake. We have other rituals, and after reading poppet's list I've thought up a few more *grin*. But never forget poppet's words of wisdom: you must create something unique to YOU.

Go on. Hop to it!


(Ms160 holds different opinions on femdom and FLR
to some of the sites below, several of which are commercial)

there are many very interesting blogs about FLRs. I've only mentioned a couple here - find links to the others on their home pages :)

poppetsubslut (poppet's blog)
She's in charge at all times
Hers Forever
Her househusband's Life
subservire - Diary of a Female Led Husband
Female Led Relationships
Femdom 101 ( good to read if your wife is vanilla)
Submissive Male
Our Journey into D/s
Loving Female Authority
Uniquely Rita
(her domain name appears to have been usurped - the link above is via
( and also check out Tom's interview with her)
Around Her Finger
(updates page where Emily and Ken Addison post letters received related to their FLR book - see in BOOKS section - good to check out re other real relationships)
She Makes The Rules
(requires a monthly subscription but good articles, a page on getting started, and a forum - owners blog here:
Loving Female Authority)
Ms Christine
Elise Sutton
Mistress Morgana
Paige Harrison
Venus On Top
(article page here)
How to Introduce your wife to FLR
(promo for Let Her Take Control)


Female Led Relationship Group
on MyDungeonSpace
(moderated by poppet :)

Female Led Relationship Group
on Fetlife

(moderated by subservire)

Fetish Lore
(we've talked about these issues)

(Miss Bonnie's great site has an active forum where all sorts of Femdom issues are discussed)

Uniquely Rika: An open forum for Female Dominants and their submissive men.
(you can't post until she gets her site back but you can read old posts here)

She Makes The Rules
(forum link here if already a member)


Ms Rika - Uniquely Rika
Buy it!!! In this book Ms Rika talks a great deal of sense about "24×7x365 D/s relationships"
in terms everyone can understand. Written from the ‘female-led’ and "service-oriented" perspective, her book is essential reading for kinksters living with vanilla partners to whom she offers hope, without resorting to the stealth submission approach.

Lady Green - The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners
An reviewer writes of Lady Green's The Sexually Dominant Woman: a workbook for nervous beginners "as a book for beginners it is wonderful! I recommend it to anyone who is trying to interest their wife to BDSM. Very non-threatening explanations of BDSM. Lets her know you [are] not a perverted child molester just because you might like a spanking. It explains why you might like this, and gives her several reasons why she would like this as well .... this one is less a how-to book, and more a why-do explanation".

Lorelie - The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance
The Mistress Manual lists all the things a potential Mistress might need. Its first section ("Becoming a Mistress") includes chapters on "Why become a Mistress?" and "The reluctant Mistress: learning to love command", while the second ("The Mistress in action") explores "Establishing your authority: ways to make him obey", "The Art of Discipline: advice, techniques and Implements" and "The Skills of a Mistress: bondage, humiliation and other forms of control". The third section discusses archetypal fantasies while the appendices include a glossary and "10 Rules for A Successful Mistress" (of which the first is "Control the orgasm and you control the male". Mistress Lorelei's writing style is precise and clear.

Regena Thomashauer - Mama Gena's Owner's and Operator's Guide to Men

Emily and Ken Addison - The New Bride's Guide to Training Her Husband

Elise Sutton - Female Domination

Christina Abernathy - Miss Abernathy's Concise Slave Training Manual

Thank you:
Mistress Amor :) and poppet

courtesy: Mistress Amor and poppet

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