Book Reviews: Lucy Fairbourne's "Male Chastity: a guide for keyholders"

First published on Mistress160's Abode 22 October 2007

Male Chastity: a guide for keyholders
Lucy Fairbourne
Velluminous Press 2007

Male chastity ... orgasm denial ... *happy sigh* ... a lot of us are interested in this subject. Which makes it even more frustrating that so little published material exists, either from the kinky perspective or in terms of medical research studies. This is why I was really pleased to see Lucy Fairbourne's Male Chastity: a guide for keyholders appear earlier this year.

A bit strangely, the lack of information continued when I researched this review. I can't tell you a (personal) thing about this author. This appears to be her only publication, and it contains no author info.

I hadn't even heard of her publisher, although they at least have a website ("we are interested in the strong independent voices that are too often overlooked by a publishing industry obsessed with big names and guaranteed returns"). But weirdly, Lucy Fairbourne's book is not listed on it. Never mind, it's available through amazon.com if you decide you want a copy. But don't look for any info on the amazon.com page either. There is not a single review and only these words to promote the book:

"A non-threatening, female-friendly introduction to the topic of male chastity, ideal for nervous keyholders or as a love-offering from a would-be-chastened male"

That's actually a pretty good description, but you couldn't call it detailed, lol. Ah well, if you decide you want to buy the book, promise me you'll place a review on the amazon.com page. We need to encourage Lucy Fairbourne to write more!

***

Male Chastity: a guide for keyholders begins with a "Take Care, not Risks!" foreword, providing the usual kinky disclaimers ("This book is for consenting adults who recognize..." ... "Be sensible. Be safe"), followed by a page defining the terms male chastity:

"the practice of securing a consenting adult male by means of a lockable device such that the chastened male's sexual release can be achieved only with the keyholder's involvement and consent"

and keyholder ("the one who holds the above male's key").

The Contents page reveals the one hundred page book is set out in five parts, each part with a detailed list of sub headings. Part One ("Introduction and Orientation") is further divided into sub headings such as "What is Male Chastity?", "Why Male Chastity?", "What not Male Chastity?", "What's in it for You / Him" etc.

Part Two ("Practical Matters") examines choosing a device (including "What Type of Devices are Available?", "Making the Choice") and living with it ("Health, Hygiene and Safety", "Safe Duration of Chastity", etc). Part Three explores the erotic potential of chastity play ("Erotic play", "Fantasy and Reality"...). Part Four ("Going Forward or Going Back" documents and advises on possible problems. Part Five provides several appendices on online resources, further reading, etc.

I respect Lucy Fairbourne's writing skills because Part One - or specifically the Intro section of Part One - would have been really tricky to write. The author is trying hard to cover several viewpoints, as she explains:

"You might have picked this book up for any number of reasons:

• You might have been given it by your husband or boyfriend

• The cover, title or subject matter might have piqued your curiosity

• You might have come across the idea of male chastity elsewhere, and be curious to learn more about how to spice up your love life and help you get more from your relationship"

As Lucy Fairbourne is quick to acknowledge, the vast majority of her readers will relate to the first point above:

"why is there such a high probability that he gave you this book? Believe me, with the vast majority of straight couples who decide to experiment with male chastity, the idea didn't originate with the woman....

"What you may not realize is that a surprisingly large number of apparently traditional men are submissive at heart. In particular, they are sexually submissive. When it comes to dealing with his own submissiveness, a man has three options:

• He can go through life silent and shamed, keeping his submissive nature secret...

• He can ... seek relief through internet porn, online chatrooms etc

• He can come out to his wife or lover, trusting that she will appreciate his honesty, ...[and] accept him for who he is, perhaps even help him find what he needs

"If your man asked you to read this book, he has clearly chosen the third alternative. Good for him, and you! The nature of your relationship is such that your man is able to trust you, without feeling...

"The ball is now in your court. How will you respond?"

One gets the feeling that this is the main reason for the book's publication - to provide a resource for men to approach their vanilla partners. And there's nothing wrong with that approach, its absolutely to be commended. Still, the author is wise to quickly add:

"None of this is to discount the possibility that you are a dominant woman who has picked up the book with a view to introducing its ideas to your submissive male partner. If that's you, then you'll find plenty of guidance in the pages to come"

I also smiled at the author's comment to men reading the book:

"if you hope to pursuade your wife or girlfriend to take over your chastity - then ... hand over this book straight away ... the most you'll get from reading it is a hard-on. Do yourself a favor and wait until its the proper time to learn what your lover has in store for you"

This constant juggling of vanilla / kinky viewpoints is present throughout much of the book. Reassurance is constant:

"rather than depriving him of liberty and threating him crually, you are providing something that he wants and needs: the feeling of being controlled, teased, aroused and frustrated by the device, and by you"

Again this is a good thing, if you are a "nervous keyholder" in need of reassurance. If you are not, when you read the book, simply focus on the viewpoint that is most relevant to you personally and ignore the other threads.

The "Practical Matters" section of the book is well set out. Lucy Fairbourne is up front about the costs involved with chastity devices, and the problems a badly fitted device can cause. She's honest about suggesting "[you] do as much research as you can, before committing yourself and your cash", and is good at sharing other sources of information ("online chastity forums are also excellent sources of current reviews from users who have tried various alternatives"). Each style and type of device is carefully explained ("Belt Type Devices", "Tube Type Devices", "Measuring for the Ring", "Tube Attachment", "Piercing Variants", "Handcuff Based Variants"), etc. Its a pity there are no photos or illustrations. What I'd suggest with this section is that you go online at the same time you read it, so that you can look up each of the different device styles the author mentions.

The section on "Living with the Device" is a mixture of practicalities and psychological advice:

"The most significant change to the 'grown up' aspects of your relationship will probably be your man's renewed desire to please you and earn your approval. You will certainly find your relationship becomes more erotically charged..."

Health, hygiene and safety are discussed at length:

"It's essential your man be able to remove the device in an emergency ... you must provide an "emergency exit", a way for him to remove the device if he has to, without permitting him to do so anytime he likes..."

As is the safety of extended orgasm denial.

Part Four looks at various problems and how to solve them: what to do if he decides he no longer wishes to play with chastity, what to do if you decide you don't want to continue ("try [this] experiment to see if you can make things better..."). The reading list at the end includes a great section on books "concerned with educating the male" (such as Ian Kerner's She comes first: a thinking man's guide to pleasuring a woman). The online resources list includes links for manufacturers (divided by device style) and for forums / information portals.

Sol's and my one real criticism of the book is that it completely lacks examples of any real life experiences. I know from the feedback I receive about my own BDSM For Beginners series that it is the quotes I include, featuring the thoughts and experiences of others, that bring those posts most alive, and help readers understand their own kinks. In the case of this book, sol and I would both have appreciated hearing from those other voices - as well as from the author, who doesn't mention her own male chastity experiences either.

Should we buy it, Ms160?

If you are looking for an introductory guide to male chastity, then definitely.

There's very little published on this topic, and Lucy Fairbourne does a great job of introducing it. I think the book is especially worth getting if you want to introduce your partner to the subject.

I'd really recommend getting your partner to read the book, then go online with her - not only to check out the various sites the author suggests (to see what kind of device will best suit you) but also to interact in the forums and chat rooms with others who enjoy this particular kink. Lucy Fairbourne's book will provide the reassurance that will encourage your partner to join you in this adventure, but it is the other practitioners she will meet online, who will bring male chastity alive for her.

References and resources:

Velluminous Press (published this book, but no mention on website)

NOTE:

Since I published this a few people have contacted me requesting a male chastity / teasing + orgasm denial reference list, especially online groups. Let me direct you all to may may's site, he has a terrific, up to date list on his Kink on Tap 6: Sexual Teasing and Denial post. And while you are there, you might like to have a listen to that podcast. Oh and why not check out Kink on Tap 7 where Eileen and may may interview Tom Allen from the Edge of Vanilla about his chastity interests:

"Tom shares a lot about his own reasons for enjoying chastity, the way in which this kind of sexual power play developed in the relationship with his (very blessed) wife, and of course why this kink in particular is often thought of as being very “vanilla.” I couldn’t help but share some of my own opinions and experiences as well, and Eileen does the same"

(Photo: cover: amazon.com)

Book Reviews: Violet Blue's "The Adventurous Couple’s Guide to Strap-On Sex"

First posted on Mistress160's Abode 19 October 2007

"Don't miss [Mistress160's] incredible, in-depth review of my
book The Adventurous Couple's Guide to Strap-On Sex
(thanks for the link, Alison Tyler!).

"I feel like the reviewer really took her time to understand
the topic and the potential readership -- and she took
quite a bit of time to learn about me as well. So amazing!"
Violet Blue

I first mentioned this book in my BDSM For Beginners Guide to Strap On Sex, and would really have appreciated having a copy prior to reviewing Sax Leather's "Delux Strap On + Vac-u-Lok". Now - finally - we received a copy of our own!

Strangely, so far, there seem to have been very few reviews. I thought it time to redress that - apart from anything else, after writing my own BDSM For Beginners post I'm aware how little material is available on this subject. So: here it is: everything you wanted to know about Violet Blue's book on everything you wanted to know about strap-on sex....

****

The Adventurous Couple’s Guide to Strap-On Sex
Violet Blue
Cleis Press 2007

Violet Blue is the sex columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle, and the author of over a dozen books on sex and sexuality, including The Smart Girl’s Guide to Porn and The Adventurous Couple’s Guide to Sex Toys.

She has an excellent reputation as a sex educator, treating her subject in open and innovative ways. As she explains in an interview with Cleis Press:

"I want to make a lasting contribution to the way we all talk about sex, and hopefully my books—the presentation of the information and the unflinching approach to the content—have added a bit of spark to our collective conversations about sex"

I've always admired her all-orientations approach to sex education:

"I've chosen to write about sex information in a way that is open to whomever chooses to use it. As a girl with a constantly evolving sexuality, I know that a straight woman reading a book now, might pick up the book next year with bisexual curiosities. I want my books to stand the test of time in people’s lives"

Violet Blue is also unusual in that she takes the subject of cyber sex seriously:

"I feel that the Web has changed the way we have sex more than anything yet, possibly more than religion. And it's really only just begun"

She has been quick to appreciate the possibilities of the internet as an educational resource, being one of the first people to enter the erotic podcasting world (Open Source Sex) as well as (to quote her own description) being a "pro blogger, podcaster, vlogger and femmebot at Metblogs SF, Geek Entertainment TV, and Gawker Media's Fleshbot". Her website has the wonderful title Tiny Nibbles.

Another focus of her educational writing is couples. As she explained in a 2006 Eros Zine interview with Thomas Roche:

"I still think that couples are much more sexually sophisticated than media and pop culture think ...

"Most sex advice books, programs, erotica collections and videos for couples treat couples like they automatically have a problem for wanting to experiment and have fun with sex; they often impart a moral as punishment for doing things such as trying a threesome. If there's any "moral" to the stories I find for couples, it's that sexual experimentation is healthy and brings you closer together, even if it turns out silly, strange - or mind-blowingly hot, as is often the case"

Her website features a great page with info for couples, including lots of great "how to" sex articles. Here's a few topics: Introducing New Sexual Fantasies to a Lover, The Art of Dirty Talk, Fuck Me With the Handcuffs On, Please. Several of her most popular books (such as Sweet Life: Erotic Fantasies for Couples and Fetish Sex: An Erotic Guide for Couples) are written from a couple's perspective. So too is the newly published book I'm reviewing today, The Adventurous Couple’s Guide to Strap-On Sex.

The online publicity blurb for the book often looks like this:

"Feeling adventurous? Sex educator and best-selling writer Violet Blue guides readers through the pleasure playground of strap-on sex for heterosexual couples. The wild success of The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women and The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men makes it clear that anal sex is hitting the mainstream. Lots of hot women want to strap it on, and their male partners are often happy to oblige.

"With style and wit, Violet Blue explains pleasure anatomy in men, with ample attention to the prostate gland -- the epicenter to male orgasm that's been called "the male G-spot." Full of crafty ideas on positions, toys, harnesses, role-play scenarios, and reading your partner like a dirty book, The Adventurous Couple's Guide to Strap-On Sex offers a step-by-step guide to making sparks fly. And look, ma! No hands"

The author herself says of the subject:

"Everything I've come across so far seems to be playing into the stereotypes that plague male- on-female anal sex. ("You're going to take my cock up that little ass," etc.) I don't peg my man to work out my aggression, I peg him because the prostate is a wondrous thing...

"Pegging in most porn is festooned with stereotypes of shame and pain, like most sex in mainstream porn. And, unfortunately, these stereotypes have seeped into online sex culture. But you don't have to be Mistress Asscrusher, and he doesn't have to answer to Worthless Buttslut, in order to enjoy strap-on sex. Like I explain in my book, most couples who peg do it because it's fun, intimate, new, exciting, and quite loving."

So, let's look at The Adventurous Couple's Guide to Strap-On Sex. The book is set out in twelve chapters, which cover every aspect of introductory strap on sex that you can think of, and quite a few you probably haven't thought of, lol.

The contents page not only provides chapter titles but sub headings, which means its easy to track down a specific topic. Chapter 1 ("The Forbidden Zone"), for example, provides background, talks about the "Bend over Boyfriend" phenomena and gives the recent history of the term "pegging", now used to describe male penetrative sex for straight couples. Chapter 2 ("What It Isn't") discusses myths about pegging. Chapter 3 and 4 explore male anatomy. Chapter 5 ("How pegging Works (Oh So Well)") looks at the mechanics of male orgasm and fantasies and realities of pegging.

We then move on to several chapters covering communication ("How to Ask for It" ... ) before moving on to the practicalities of anal foreplay and penetration ("Anal Penetration Rules! I Mean, Rules") with both viewpoints being covered ("His Concerns: Staying Hard and Keeping Clean"). Chapter 10 explores harnesses and dildos. Chapter 11 ("The Art of Pegging") provides a terrific list of "how to" options ("How to come in a Harness" ... "Fun Things to do When You're Fucking him"). The final chapter provides resources for further reading, shopping links and safe sex info. Several chapters conclude with erotic pegging stories by Alison Tyler.

Violet Blue writes in an informal style that instantly engages the reader ("give a man the anal attention he craves, and you might as well have tossed a pat of butter into a hot pan"). Or both readers, actually - as the author constantly seeks to engage and reassure both parties:

"To me, the discovery that a male lover enjoys receiving anal penetration opens up a whole new world of sexual adventure between the two of us. It means he wants to share something really intimate - and something he finds powerfully pleasurable - with me.

"I know that he probably hasn't been able to play like this with most of his other lovers ... but he feels confident that we can do it... when a man tells me he wants me to strap it on and give it to him - I know I've found a lover who is playful, trusting, interested in having excellent sexual communication and who thinks I'm the hottest girl for the job"

The text is full of useful practicalities. A few examples ... such as "How To Find the Prostate with Your Eyes Closed":

"beneath your fingers you'll find the gland is rounded, shaped like a walnut, but slightly cleaved down the centre so it has a furrowed seam and two subtle halves that can be felt with the pad of your finger (when touched from inside the anus)"

From "Strap on Sex and Erections":

"when you are pegging him and he gets close to orgasm you'll observe a number of physical signs, though they may not be the ones you're used to seeing during your typical lovemaking rituals.."

In another, about the practicalities of rimming, the author's sense of humor shows:

"The easiest position for rimming is doggy style ... if he has a lot of hair down there, this position is optimal for parting the furry seas - and if this notion makes you uncomfortable, let it be known that everyone has hair down there. If you do not naturally have hair around your anus you are either a) too young to be reading this b) shaving or waxing it or c) a genetic anomaly"

The chapters on communication are especially helpful in terms of practical advice, with sub headings such as "You want to, But He's Worried: Talking points". The chapter on harnesses and dildos is excellent, however it was when reading this chapter that I discovered my one real criticism of the book, which has to do with it's lack of illustrations.

Violet Blue has produced several other books with Cleis Press in a similar format. These have all proved popular. I'm sure the lack of illustrations keeps the price down significantly. However, despite Violet Blue's excellent descriptive skills, you really feel the need for images and/or diagrams (perhaps some simple line drawings???) when struggling to understand the construction of various harnesses, and how dildos attach - as well as, of course, trying to select what sort of harness to purchase.

The final chapter lists online shopping resources - always a risk in a hard copy publication because these lists and links date so quickly. In this case Violet Blue has provided a terrific range of outlets, and (unusual for an American publication, thank you thank you!) has also provided worldwide shopping links.

Her recommended reading list is good, and includes a section on strap-on porn. The book concludes with a much needed (and excellent) safe sex section.

Should we buy it, Ms160?

If strap-on sex is of interest to you, then absolutely!

Violet Blue has produced a well researched publication - written in her usual thoughtful and amusing style - that answers all the questions you'll have about starting strap-on play. Her practical approach means your first attempts will be stress free and very enjoyable, on both sides of the dildo, lol. The chapter structure and sub headings make locating specific info easy (if you have particular issues you want to check out), and the author's further reading list shows you where to go for more detailed info.

While Alison Tyler's imaginative erotic stories function perfectly to bring the topic alive (and subtly suggest further possibilities in terms of things to try) my only criticism is that illustrations would have been helpful, especially in the chapter on harnesses and dildos. I'd suggest that when it actually comes to your wanting to understand the various styles of harness construction that you supplement Violet Blue's excellent advice by checking out the images of product design on this blog's BDSM For Beginner's Guide to Strap On Sex.

Cleis Press have created a user friendly publication: the book is small in size, only 125 pages, in an easy to read font, at a great price. It's definitely worth adding to your sex / kinky library.

NEXT REVIEW:

Male Chastity: a guide for keyholders
Lucy Fairbourne
Velluminous Press 2007

REFERENCES AND RESOURCES:
Cleis Press Spotlight on Violet Blue (interview)
Eros Zine: Thomas Roche interview with Violet Blue
Rachel Kramer Bussel "Adult Podcasts: the XXX Wave of the Future" (Penthouse Forum) (no link)
Newsweek "Podcasting: Talking Dirty on Your iPod"
Savage Love 8 August 2007
SF Gate Violet Blue - Archive

For a complete list of Violet Blue's publications and articles , please see her website's publicity and press page.

For more of Alison Tyler's great erotica, check out her publications and stories via her website Trollop with a Laptop.

Mistress 160's posts on Strap On Sex:

• BDSM For Beginners Guide to Strap On Sex
• Sax Leather's "Delux Strap On + Vac-u-Lok" (with great pix of sol getting pegged).
  

(another reference list on strap on sex at the end of BDSM For Beginners Guide to Strap On Sex )

Want to join discussions about strap-on sex with Ms160? Join us at Fetish Lore's Forum on Strap-Ons, incl:

• The Endless Search for the Perfect Strap On
  
• The Other Strap On Perspective
  

Below, some of Violet Blue's other publications you might like to check out:

(Photos:
book covers courtesy:
Cleis Press website and Tiny Nibbles
photo of Violet Blue: cover page of Tiny Nibbles)

BDSM for beginners (part 3: putting together your kinky toy box)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

BBDSM for Beginners (part 1: published resources)

First published on Mistress160's Abode: 17 January 2007

Am I submissive / dominant / a switch / a fetishist?

Why do I feel these desires? Was I abused as a child?
How can I act on them safely?
How do I move from fantasy to online?
Where can I meet like minded people online and in real time?
How can I tell my non D/s partner that I'm kinky?
Will they still respect / love me?
How can I get my partner to Dom/me me?
How can I tell them what I need?
How exactly do I want them involved?
What are the best books for a new kinky couple to read?
Whats a good place for new kinksters to buy toys online? What toys?
Where can I meet other female subs
(many BDSM sites don't seem to want me)?
What's the difference between a slave and a sub?
How do I meet the Dom/me of my dreams? And contact them?

These are questions that many of us have faced, and that I encounter regularly during my work with newcomers to the kinky community - or with subs with vanilla partners, many of whom are trying hard to come to terms with their lover's needs. Many of my own subs have been drawn to me because of my interest and encouragement of these areas, and I also often respond to online requests for help. Every individual's - every couple's - journey into BDSM is unique and challenging, my role sometimes becoming more confidante than Mistress - and it's an honor to help in any way I can.

While usually providing individualized resource lists for each person / couple I often receive requests for quick fixes - "can you recommend just one book that we should buy?" or "could you recommend just a couple of sites for female subs?" - so after several requests that I include some on my blog, here are a few of those "emergency fixes".

I must stress though: never take any single site or persons advice as a complete and final source of information. Everyone has different perspectives and experiences and what I have provided here is highly eclectic.

This BDSM For Beginner's post will focus on published resources. Part 2 will explore online resources. Questions are in no particular order - a later post will address questions above which have not been addressed in these two entries. If anyone would like a particular question answered please drop me a line.

HOW CAN I TELL MY VANILLA PARTNER THAT I'M KINKY?

Okay, you have finally plucked up your courage and sat down on the couch with the love of your life to explain all those weird chastity devices and your longtime foot fetish , and your mouth goes dry ... panic: what to do????

Get someone else to do it for you, of course - and When Someone You Love Is Kinky is written with your situation in mind!

With its careful title, subtle front cover imagery and calm and understandable writing style (which includes chapters dealing with how a non kinky person might be feeling after finding those chastity devices) this book is designed so that you can literally just hand it to your partner or relative:

"I read Ms160's beginners post and gave a copy of the book to my partner. She found it non threatening, and read it over the next week. I was on tenterhooks but Ms160 had advised me to be patient. She also said that if my wife seemed approachable afterwards, to not overload her with every kinky desire I'd ever had, and this proved great advice, as otherwise I would have frightened my partner off.

"I'd really recommend the book. It made a real difference for me"

When someone you love... covers the basics and stresses consensuality but by its very nature i'ts purpose is to be general not definitive. So whilst it's a perfect book to share with your lover or close friend, it's not the best example for a newbie kinky couple who are looking for practical information and preferably lots of it.

WHAT'S "ONE GOOD BOOK" THAT I CAN READ, AS A NEW KINKSTER?

I HATE answering this, lol, but if I must....

I cannot recommend Midori's Wild Side Sex: the Book of Kink highly enough. As Richard Evans Lee notes in his 2006 Amazon.com review, it covers:

"the psychology, aesthetics and philosophy of erotic power exchange, D/s and SM. Written with wit, imagination and intelligence. For someone new to BDSM it may help with self-acceptance and confidence. For all levels it may enhance your own understanding of what it is that we do"

Alexia O'Neil writes in Eros (p90):

"The first lines in her book Wild Side Sex give you a fairly good idea of the topics she'll cover: "I love sex. I Love to do it. I love to talk about it. I love to think about it and I love to write about it." This could not be a clearer statement of Midori's acceptance of herself, her fetishes, her sexuality, and where her talents lie. The book is touted as Educational, Sensual and Entertaining Essays ... "

"Midori has broken the book into several different focus points for both the seasoned sexual adventurer and the novice ... Part 1: Fundamentals of Kink and Part 2: Fundamentals of Kink II deal with "the psychological foundations of consensual erotic sadomasochism, dominance, and submission." Part 3: Fetish Eroticism is "dedicated to fetishism and the mind of the fetishist."

"Part 4: Tips & Trips for Adventurous Sex is "a collection of short little how-to's on specific fun kinky sex techniques." I believe some sections, such as Midori's essay "Aftercare: healing better to play harder", should be compulsory reading for all. As Midori points out, the subject may not be as sexy as double handed flogging - "we treat it like we do flossing our teeth" - however, "the reality is that the presence or absence of aftercare, and its timing, quality and sincerity ... can make the difference between a fantastic scene and a miserable experience".

Buy it! As Vashti concludes in his 2006 Amazon.com review: "It feeds your mind, your imagination, your soul, and is also educational. Midori is a treasure".

WHAT ARE "THE BEST BOOKS" FOR A NEWLY PRACTICING D/s COUPLE?

Recommending only one is not possible here - you need a mix of practical advice and psychology. Midori's Wild Side Sex is a good start. As is Philip Miller and Molly Devon's Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, an excellent resource thats an enormous lot of fun.

The insightful authors of Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns have a great sense of humour but as one Amazon.com reviewer points out "what makes [the book] truly special, however, is the sheer weight of loving details. There's clear explanations and detailed tutorials for beginners, as general as "safe, sane, and consensual" and as specific as "you will be swinging the whip with your arm pivoting at the shoulder." There's also solid advice, safety measures, steamy suggestions, plenty of black-and-white photographs, useful and humorous drawings, an extensive glossary". It's written primarily from the point of view of male dominant/female submissive interactions, but it's easy to translate into valuable advice for any relationship configuration.

Those in the know describe Jay Wiseman's SM101 as the ultimate technical manual, a "non-titillating , realistic guide to SM play". Wiseman is an experienced SM player and BDSM educator whose wealth of experience has produced a book popular with both newbies and longer players. A`technical manual' is not a bad description, with its chapters explaining SM terminology, the mechanics of `erotic pain', bondage, flagellation, erotic torture and humiliation, as well as chapters on SM organizations, SM relationships and how to construct specialized types of scenes. As several reviewers have noted the book is essential for anyone wanting to make the move to BDSM playing real time, with detailed iinformation on the public BDSM scene, terminology and basic safety rules. I love the quirky quotes on each page ("a pervert is someone kinkier than you are" .... "begging is not a safe word") which add a sense of realism.

One of my favourite books and excellent for newbies is Pat Califa's Sensuous Magic, first published in 1993. It could certainly be described as a basic introduction to BDSM play, but its not a hands on "how to" guide. Rather it examines the psychology and spirituality of BDSM play. Califia's erotic short story collections send me literally weak as the knees - you can glimpse that talent in the short stories that the author utilizes to begin the book and whet the imagination.

Califia then sets out to illustrate important elements of BDSM play - communication and negotiation; the techniques and psychology of bondage; sensation and experimentation; corporal punishment; and the use of vanilla sex in a SM context. Finally the book contains a reading list and resource list (updated in the most recent edition) as well as a glossary and section on contracts. Its all very important stuff and the fact that so much is covered by such s small book simply highlights the author's expertise.

Many BDSM books suggest newbies fill out a checklist that helps identify their BDSM interests. Originally designed for submissives checklist should really be done by all -its especially important for couples planning to play together. The link I've provided is to the original list on BDSM Education.

WHAT "ONE BOOK" CAN I GIVE MY WIFE TO ENCOURAGE HER TO DOMINATE ME?

Again, whether a book is going to work in arousing D/s interest depends entirely on the individuals and personalities involved. That said, there have been several quite good books published, of which I mostly recommend Mistress Lorelei's The Mistress Manual: the good girl's guide to female domination and Lady Green's The Sexually Dominant Woman: a workbook for nervous beginners. One of these would be perfect for your wife.

The Mistress Manual is just that: a slim volume that lists all the things a potential Mistress might need. Its first section ("Becoming a Mistress") includes chapters on "Why become a Mistress?" and "The reluctant Mistress: learning to love command", while the second ("The Mistress in action") explores "Establishing your authority: ways to make him obey", "The Art of Discipline: advice, techniques and Implements" and "The Skills of a Mistress: bondage, humiliation and other forms of control". The third section discusses archetypal fantasies while the appendices include a glossary and "10 Rules for A Successful Mistress" (of which the first is "Control the orgasm and you control the male".

Mistress Lorelei's writing style is precise and clear, and my husband solipsist and I recommend this more than any other book for women looking for "just one" book that might unlock the key to either their own desires or those of their partner. If you really can only buy one but THIS one ... but if you can afford two:

An Amazon.com reviewer wrote of Lady Green's The Sexually Dominant Woman: a workbook for nervous beginners "as a book for beginners it is wonderful! I recommend it to anyone who is trying to interest their wife to BDSM. Very non-threatening explanations of BDSM. Lets her know you [are] not a perverted child molester just because you might like a spanking.

It explains why you might like this, and gives her several reasons why she would like this as well .... this one is less a how-to book, and more a why-do explanation". Which makes it a friendly and non-threatening starting point for the woman who fantasizes about BDSM, or is interested in exploring her husband's submissive desires...

AMAZON.COM LISTS:

For further publications relating to the questions addressed above, check out the following Amazon.com lists - they will greatly add to your understanding and enjoyment of BDSM:

• BDSM Resources (Pandora, Ms World Leather 2004)
• Healthy BDSM Reading List (Goddess Domina DeManda)
• BDSM Library - the basic primers (lisammymarie)
• Best S/M fiction (Cheryl Trooskin)
• Recommendations for the perverted intellect (Princess Dominique)
• Performance art / body art (Robert Summers)
• My favourite Little Dome How to Manuals (Mistress Rowena)

Many thanks to:
the various reviewers whose writings
I have snaffled from Amazon.com, and to Eros

Top photo:
provenance unknown - any details greatly appreciated

Photograph:
of Midori by Steve Diet Goedde
taken from Wide Side Sex review by Alexia O'Neil 30 August 2005
Steve Diet Goedde's DVD is available from his website.